One Year

Jennifer Lee Photography

If you knew that you would die today

If you saw the face of God and Love

Would you change?

Would you change?

Tracy Chapman

A year ago I was at work seeing clients, doing all that mundane/ just another day stuff when an email took my breath away. Jen had passed. Despite knowing she was so ill for so long, I was speechless. I sat staring at a photo of her on my screen and studied her smile but couldn’t smile. Two days later, I kneeled next to a friend and stared at another screen broadcasting Jen's memorial. You see there wasn’t room left in the main area of the funeral chapel. I wrote a post trying to make some sense of things, vowing to carry on more Jen-like.

Am I fearless?

Jen's platform was fearlessness and she embodied it. In May, I was running in a race. Iit didn’t go well and knew I could do better. After discussing how things went with a running coach I work with,  it seemed that as fatigue set in, I grew concerned. As my body started to ache, I pulled back. He corrected me and said that part of racing was noting the pain and pushing through it. For him, he assumed that the last half of any race wouldn’t be fun. I have a Scott Jurek shirt that says, “pain only hurts” it reminds me of this. This isn’t about masochism but noting the challenge and persisting anyway. Work in progress.

Am I enjoying the silliness?

Jen was the first person to spot my name in In Style, Life and Style or any other magazine. We joked she was my PR person. Jen was silly; if you didn’t know her you can see it in her videos. On Wednesday, her best friend organized a movie night. A bunch of us went to see Magic Mike. The movie was terrible, except for some eye candy, but after some crazy rain and hail, it seemed to honor Jen. I can be serious at times. I am a natural over thinker, silly is important. Silly is a pain reliever.

Am I supporting Cycle?

Cycle for Survival was Jen’s baby. It was just so fitting that Jen’s journey wasn’t just about Jen. It seems every week we hear of someone we know being diagnosed with some sort of cancer or having some sort of surgery or treatment. Monday, on my way to work, with Jen’s “anniversary” looming I received another email; the dates for Cycle 2013 were announced. Many members of our Foodtrainers team emailed immediately “I’m in”. Last year, we did a dance video for every thousand dollars we raised, what will we do this year?

I don’t know if it’s possible to live each day as if it was your last. I know I need reminders. I need reminders to see beyond myself and my stressors, I need reminders to be fearless (or less fearful) and I need reminders to be silly. It would be so much easier if my teacher was still here. 

Do you? Where do you find yourself fearful? Are you more inclined naturally to be silly or serious? If you knew that you would die today, would you change?

Fear and Weight

This past Saturday I took part in Cycle for Survival. Cycle for Survival is an indoor spinning event that raises money for rare cancers; it was founded by my friend Jen Goodman Linn and her husband Dave. Jen passed away in July and since then I've found myself channeling grief into carrying on her legacy. I am not alone. This year, cycle raised close to 8 million dollars for cancer research.  For our part, we put together a team of 15 people. Many of these team members said “yes” within a few minutes of my initial recruiting email.

That's Ethan Zohn a new type of "survivor" 

Team Foodtrainers

Jen’s mantra and website was YouFearless. In March Jen turned 40 and, though sick, filmed her fabulous “Happy to be 40” dance video. Please stop reading and watch it if you haven’t, you’ll really get a sense of Jen. As a testament to Jen we agreed to post a dance video for each thousand we raised. Dancing is scary but we danced and it was kind of fun.

Gorgeous Jen

I think of Jen all the time but this weekend it was as though she was there. I sensed Jen daring us all to pedal faster, to do better, to make a difference. I also thought about fear. Those of us who aren’t fighting for our lives can have a hard time accessing our fear. I’ve been asking myself if my fears are legit if they aren’t major.  I mean how does a fear of getting my work done or being late stack up to a fear of not being here at all? It really doesn’t.

OPI Limited Edition You Fearless

Then I thought back to my sessions and conversations with Jen. Though Jen was a dreamer and an achiever she loved the fun stuff, the petty stuff.  Jen wanted to know about anti cancer foods and weight loss foods too. One of the last emails I received from Jen was telling me she saw me quoted in In Style and her best friend created You Fearless nail polish with OPI for Cycle. Jen was equal parts silly and serious. Fearlessness can absolutely be applied to "lesser" fears and it can apply to food. 

Some of us have a fear of failure, what happens if it doesn’t work? This can stifle us. Fear of failure for many translates into a fear of starting. It distracts us from the work to be done. Jen never knew if a treatment would be successful, she just focused on taking the necessary steps.

Fear of change- what will it be like if you lose weight? If you don’t eat your favorite treats? Will it be ok? I would ask yourself, is staying the same is ok? Is that acceptable? If not, let’s see how it goes. The treats aren’t going anywhere.

Fear of being noticed- with weight loss comes attention, some people dislike this.  Rather than cloaking ourselves in weight or food maybe we need to figure out why we’re hiding.

Fear of spending money and time- how can we not take care of ourselves? Jen knew how to take care of herself. I remember Jen requesting someone for reflexology while she received a blood transfusion. Jen knew the power of a pedicure and the wonder of a workout. 

Fear can trap you and stop you from living your life. We have to stop the excuses, stop postponing. When we shed the fear, we can shed the weight.

As Jen said, “without fear anything is possible.”

Jen told me this before the Chicago Marathon, can't say it better "because we can".

Thank you to those who contributed money. Now I’m asking you to contribute to fearlessness. 
What are your fears? Have you noticed any of them affecting your weight or wellness? How do you plan to face your fears? Some event photos below.

Marc and I, no pressure just the front row

Karen and Shari, I mean My Judy the Foodie

Love a team member with a Jack Daniels bandanna, work hard play hard.

You just got here, we're not leaving, it's a charity event!

Kaylee and my Foodtrainer-in-crime Carolyn finish off our shifts

The future fearless, Cycle for Survival 2022?

Becoming An Optimist

I’ve been thinking a lot about Jen lately.  She and her husband Dave started Cycle for Survival and we have a mega-team, in the early stages, ready to ride in February. And last week, Jen’s parents posted on her You Fearless website and talked about Jen being driven and determined from the get go. In the time I knew Jen and ever since, when I am faced when a challenge I try to strap on my Jen mask of fearlessness and optimism. The problem is, I often feel like an imposter where underneath is the real Lauren. Not all of us can see the bright side as easily.  I came across a book called Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and purchased it on audiobook. During my runs and a recent family car trip (Marc officially thinks I have lost it) I’ve been listening to passages from this book. To my relief, optimism and pessimism aren’t camps you’re permanently assigned to. There are tools to make you more optimistic.

I heard a lot of Jen while listening to this book. Optimists see bad things as temporary whereas pessimists fear it will last a long time. Optimists are able to put troubles in a box while pessimists give universal explanations. As a result of these patterns of thinking, pessimists are more likely to become depressed, they do worse in school, sports and most jobs than their talents would suggest. They also have rockier relationships. Optimists are said to live longer and though Jen’s passing comes to mind I tend to think she survived sarcoma for 7 years in part because of her optimism.

Midway through Learned Optimism, a hokey “diet” scenario is presented as a teaching tool. We're told of Katie who was two weeks into a diet and succumbed to chicken wings and nachos when out with friends. Katie does a number on her self feeling weak, gluttonous and defeated. A technique called disputation is suggested. Pessimistic thoughts can be disputed as you would likely dispute them if someone else said them. Katie could say, “I’m not a glutton and one slip doesn’t mean my diet is blown. Sure, nachos and wings aren’t healthy foods but one misstep in two weeks isn’t the end of the world.” By disputing the bad thoughts you can change your reactions.

Disputation is one technique another is distraction. It is very easy for negative thoughts to play on repeat in your mind. If you tell yourself not to think about something chances are that will not do much good. If you divert your attention to something else, even as simple as a pencil or other object and study it, your can redirect your attention. You can also plan a time to think about something, for example at 7pm I will give this more thought. Other suggestions were a rubber band around your wrist and to snap it when the destructive thought arises or keeping a card in your wallet with a certain phrase such as “enough” or “stop it.” In order to stop ruminating another suggestion is to write down negative thoughts. These techniques "ventilate" negativity.

There’s also an exercise called externalization of thoughts.  With someone you trust you role play the negative thought. I could say to you "it's all your fault you aren't doing well at work" and you would dispute my accusations. In certain ways- Jen did this with those on "team Jen".  It wasn’t that she was without doubt or the facts but that she was able to turn it around and wasn't shy about seeking out help. Whether it’s work, weight or health related your beliefs are not necessarily gospel and we have the choice to be dejected and depressed or energized and action-oriented. Speaking of actions, we’re just starting to fundraise for Cycle 2012. I am optimistic we’ll surpass our team goal of $10,000. I am fearlessly asking you to click over and help us stomp on cancer.

Do you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist? Does it give you hope that your beliefs and self-beliefs are subject to change? Have you ever listened to an audiobook? Are you going to donate to Cycle?

Jen Goodman Linn: You Were Fearless

From YouFearless.com Jen's Blog

Two years ago, a client was referred to me. When I received her information forms, my heart sunk. The paperwork described a woman, in her thirties, who had been diagnosed with Sarcoma, a rare cancer, in 2003. She had already endured 26 months of chemo and 4 abdominal surgeries. The next day, in my waiting room, was this adorable, bubbly girl with a wide smile and beautiful white teeth. When we started to talk, she was very pragmatic. She was cancer free but wanted to put herself in the best place nutritionally in the event that the cancer came back (and she said it just like that). We devised a plan and, not one to waste precious time, she immediately implemented everything we outlined. This client's name is Jen but I no longer think of her as my client. I think of her as my friend, my teacher and my hero who I will miss so very much. Jen passed away on Wednesday and her funeral is today. 

‎"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count, it is the life in your years."-Abe Lincoln

The quote above appeared on Jen’s Facebook page where people have been sending their wishes and sharing their sadness. Jen wasn't one to stay sad though; she knew how to live. She and her husband Dave started Cycle for Survival and it’s the most successful patient initiated charity Memorial Sloan Kettering has ever had raising over nine million dollars to for rare cancers. I remember sitting with Jen, in November, she was at Sloan getting a blood transfusion and fairly weak. Never one to let an opportunity slip away Jen was signing nurses up for Cycle. Marc and I were honored to experience  Cycle this spring on Team Fearless, Jen’s team. And in all the times I have seen Jen since that first office visit, that smile never faded.

I don’t have wit in me right now but tried to capture some Jen lessons:

Rejoice in what your body can do. 

The second Jen was cleared by doctors she was at the gym trying to regain her strength. Oh and did I mention she asked for a stationary bike in her hospital room? She started Cycle, in part, because spinning was what kept her sane though her treatments and illness. I wrote about Jen before I ran Chicago this year. I was anxious about the race (the weather was much like today) and received this email from Jen:

I am so excited for your marathon next week. If you get tired running just think of the fact that many of us take for granted what a privilege it is to be able to run. With my stomach cramps and tumors, I haven't been able to truly run in years. I miss it so, so much. So enjoy all 26.2 miles because you can! I will be cheering for you from afar.

I will run this morning before the funeral Jen, because I can, and I'll think of you; I’ll play Chumbawamba too.

Know when to see the trees instead of the forest.

Jen endured a roller coaster life of progress and setbacks. When she received news that wasn’t good, she wanted a plan. When the plan for the new treatment was in place, Jen would focus on the steps involved or the treatments. She was like a quarterback who could hone in on the play without getting distracted by all that was happening around them. I think this helped her live fearlessly.  So when you are daunted, sit back and make a game plan. Anytime you feel shaky just refer to the plan. There is something very Zen about this.

Vanity is Good

Jen often joked, “I can be bald or fat but not both” and wrote a great WebMD piece about this. I had found it hard to figure out how clients battling things way more important than weight cared about their weight. Jen’s doctor explained it “being vain is a GREAT thing. It shows that you have a true desire and willingness to live." There is something about our hair and our weight that is integral to who we are. It isn’t shallow to cling to these things when tested. It shows you are hanging on.

Tell People What You Need (or Don’t Need)

Jen was her own advocate. I heard from Jen regularly and at one point didn’t get a reply. I panicked. I  sent Jen an email “everything OK?” I made a mistake and said “I’m worried.”  Jen emailed back all right. She said, “please don’t say you’re worried. It makes me anxious.” While I was daunted at first, I learned a lot about communicating with people when they are ill from Jen.  I made another mistake on July 11^th.  Jen’s doctors had some concerns about her blood work and we were emailing about what she should eat. I offered to drop off some things after work. Only, it got late and I didn’t think I should bother her. Jen sent an email I got in the morning “I didn’t know if you were coming, no package was left.” She called me on it and that was my last email from her. I'm sorry Jen, what I would do now for one more conversation, to see that smile one last time.

 Jen turned 40 this past March. She was the happiest person in the worth to turn 40. It was a gift and she did a “dance” video in her own honor. This makes me smile; please watch it to see Jen in action.

In Jen’s words:

“We all have a choice in how we want to live our lives … I have chosen to be Me Fearless. I have applied this approach to every aspect of my life and, in the process, I’ve discovered that amazing things present themselves. My mission now is to encourage those around me to apply that philosophy to their lives and relish in the results. You can become You Fearless.”

Let’s all try, in Jen's honor. 
Jen chronicled her journey on her site youfearless.com.