I freaked out majorly: warning 1st world problem

I haven’t written in a bit but I have a good reason. I was in food shock. It started a few weeks ago. We decided- I should say I decided to replace our cracked kitchen tile and countertops. My husband gave me the “is this really necessary?” line.  The truth is that his kitchen experience amounts to occasional coffee making, gluten free beer opening and table clearing when he’s in a helpful mood. I could’ve wasted my time pointing out that the kitchen to me was the equivalent of the golf course for him but I had a more productive idea. I selected the countertop material  (Caesar stone) and flooring (light wood planks). I presented my husband with two samples of each that were basically the same so he could “choose” and put him in touch with the kitchen guy. Our division of labor for any renovation is design- me and construction- him. This proved to be a mistake.

Two weeks ago today, the boys had started spring break and I was enjoying not having to be out of the house at 7:30AM. The doorbell rang and I answered it in my pajamas. There were five men with tools standing outside with the head honcho kitchen guy. I had been told the kitchen work would be done while we were away. As I stood in the doorway, Marc emerged freshly showered and smiled at the guys “that’s great that you’re getting an early start.” And the unraveling began. I guarantee these nice men will tell the story of the crazy upper west side lady for years to come.

“You told me this was happening when we were away”

  He said

“I thought it was a good idea for them to start before we left in case there were questions.”

While that’s totally logical in retrospect I said

“It’s a good idea for you but what about me, I am supposed to eat days of take-out food right before a vacation?”

And he said

“I think having a new kitchen is worth a few days of non-organic food.”

It went downhill from there and I decided to go get dressed and calm down.

When I came downstairs, four men were carrying my fridge into the dining room.

The fridge was unplugged. The fridge with a freezer full of grass fed meat and wild salmon, the fridge with my kombuchas and organic berries.

And while I now know I must’ve sounded like a spoiled baby, I freaked.  Mid fit the kitchen guy plugged the fridge into a dining room outlet. The light went back on and I started to breathe.

I will never admit this to my husband but I kind of liked running out to Juice Generation to get smoothies breakfast for all of us and a few newspapers. Having no kitchen meant no pillaging for dark chocolate. And we plugged the coffee maker in the home office and it was fine.

This past Friday, the men were putting the kitchen sink in and the kitchen guy said “was it worth it?” and, with my tail between my legs, I apologized knowing that nothing I cold say would erase my crazy. It was totally worth it.  The problem is that now I don’t want to cook and mess any of the newness up.

This is Why You're Not Losing Weight

I totally missed Tracy Mcmillan’s article “This is WhyYou’re Not Married” perhaps because I am married (Tracy can we have an article on that) but from what I gather it caused quite a stir. It’s touchy for someone to point out why you’re “not” something you want to be. If relationships are difficult to discuss, I spend my days focused an equally touchy subject and that of course is weight. From day to day, I see many roadblocks that exist between men and women and their goals. I don’t have all the answers but I do have experience. See if you spot yourself in any of these.

You think the answer to the weight question lies in what you’re eating- we have a checklist on new client questionnaires. Checklists are a little sneaky in that questions listed don’t’ feel so “big”. New clients rate on a scale of 1, 2 or 3 what they’d like to cover in their sessions. One item on the list is “assistance with emotional eating”. Nobody gives that item a 1 (indicating it’s unimportant). And yet, when we sit down to meet, about half of new clients will say “well I don’t binge or anything like that.” OK that’s helpful but if you feel yourself headed for the cabinets after getting off a stressful phone call. Or, if you’ve ever uttered, “I’ll do that once I lose some weight” you’re weight is about more that “just liking food” or an extra glass of wine.

Your workouts get more attention than your diet- I love the fact that fitness has taken off. I don’t know if it’s the branding from studios such as soul cycle and flywheel or that there are so many interesting options (step aerobics was not for everyone) but fewer and fewer clients come in for their first session not working out. On the contrary, many exercise multiple days a week and there they are sitting in my client chair. So here’s the deal, you can’t exercise away a poor diet (I may have mangled a phrase Carolyn uses all the time). And if you’re saying, “my diet isn’t poor” well how about the fact that diet determines about 75% of the weight picture? You absolutely need exercise for your health but if you’re looking to reduce be sure your shopping list gets more attention than that workout schedule.

You’re focused on what you’re doing right- perhaps you exercise (you now know my thoughts on that subject), eat salad and hydrate, that’s all good. However, we don’t get to pick and choose what holds us pack. As I discussed a plan of attack with a client last week she looked at me and said “but I already do so much that’s good”.  I sometimes call this the spoiled brat syndrome (don’t worry I told her so). This client wanted to lose weight but was only doing the parts of her Foodtraining that came easily to her while eating too many carbs and treats. I presented a challenge. I asked her to follow the plan I had outlined for a week. We know what happened, right? At the next visit this client, though initially stubborn, saw that a couple of areas were holding her back.

You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (the “heavy” shoe)-I have another client I’ve only been seeing for a couple of months. She came in with a lot of longstanding, destructive habits and we’ve been steadily chipping away at them.

A couple of months into our work, she went on a vacation and was disappointed with her eating and said, “I just don’t see this happening it’s so easy to go back to how I used to eat.” That comment was a bigger red flag than any of the food consumed on the trip. I didn’t express my concern but helped her regroup. I knew mentally she was teetering. It took about a month but I waited for the right time and asked, “so do you see yourself sticking with this? Can you envision yourself at the weight you want to be?” She could and whatever you’re trying to do, if you want to do it (for good) you have to be able to picture it. I don’t care if it sounds corny you have to believe it to do it.

You lost weight and now want to discuss maintenance- Oh maintenance. As I say in LBT there is no finish line when it comes to weight loss. Did weight watchers start this? The idea of a “goal weight”? I wholeheartedly believe in goals but why in the world would we make progress in a certain area (therapy, fitness, work) and then jump ship? As much as the word “lifestyle” bugs me, whether it’s Foodtraining, gluten free, paleo or vegan if you find a regime that makes you feel energized and lean please stick to it. Sure, we have weeks where our eating is looser and others where it’s better, that’s OK. If you are waiting and expecting the rules to change once you make some progress or reach your “goal” you may have set the wrong goal.

Whatever it is, whether you have those same 5 pounds or 50 pounds to lose. If you’re just tired of not feeling your best and that’s taking up way too much mind time…chances are there’s something mentally or physically that needs adjusting. You know what they say; if we keep doing things the same way we get the same result. So pick the scenario or tip you relate to most. Admit “I do that”. And then you can make real progress.

Which of these tips is the most relatable for you? Why do you think so many people focus on exercise more than eating? Did you read the Tracy McMillan piece?

It Isn't Easy Being My Valentine

Whenever a crime is committed focus quickly shifts to the perpetrator’s family members. Did they see signs? Notice something off?  Oftentimes it seems the spouses or parents were blind to criminals’ traits or perhaps used to them.  I really think that for my husband, Marc, life with me is the nutritional equivalent of being married to a murderer.  Most normal people do not bring snacks wherever they go and cook compulsively. After all these years, Marc is probably used to this.

I’m not sappy person but  thought, in honor of Valentine's Day, I’d share my definitions of love:

Love is “you cooked, I’ll clean up.” I always feel the cleaner gets the short end of the stick in this scenario.

Love is understanding that organic-ness is next to godliness.

Love is running through a bunch of rough Chicago neighborhoods in order to support your wife during the marathon. Love is jumping in to run when I didn’t think I could continue.

Love being a guinea pig for far too many healthy recipes and snacks (but drawing the line at green drinks and "too healthy" items.) 

Love is taking your boys to hockey at 5am.

Love is charging the iPod after you use it.

Love is giving up soda and sweeteners.

Love is letting your wife blog about you and tweet about you even though you think its silly (or worse than silly). 

Love it shopping for presents at Lululemon and Sur La Table; nothing’s more romantic than running clothes or ramekins.

Love is watching me freak out on our first vacation together (in 1994!) because the hotel didn't have a gym and marrying me a few years later despite my nuttiness (if that’s what this is called).

We all have our quirks. I have many. It really seems that what’s most romantic is being able to embrace or at least laugh at your partners habits…as long as they don’t involve breaking the law.

What are your examples you’d add to the list? What is love to you? And would you rather cook or clean up?

In Fatness and In Health

My husband and I once had what seemed like a light-hearted conversation. I was getting dressed to go out and asked that totally loaded question “does this look good?” To which my husband intelligently answered “honey, everything looks good, I love it.” And out of my mouth came “so what if I gained 100 pounds would you still think I looked good?” Without pause my husband said “no.” I was shocked at his honesty but dug deeper and asked “so if I gained 100 pounds you wouldn’t be attracted to me?” My husband, not the least bit ashamed of his stance, said “being fit is part of who you are, it’s what I signed up for.” We talked a little further, he ended up acknowledging that if a medical condition led to weight gain it would be a little different but still.

I was reminded of this conversation this past Sunday. I was scanning the Weddings/Celebrations in the NYT. There was a time when it was fun to pick out the couples we knew or read about weddings of our colleagues or clients. Lately it seems as though most of the brides are a good 10 years younger than I am which is a little depressing but makes sense since, as of Sunday, I have been married 12 years. As I glanced at the child brides I saw an article entitled “For Better, for Worse, for B.M. I.”

The article focuses on the trend to gain weight after getting married. I started reading “call them happy pounds, love chub or the marriage 15. No matter what gaining weight during marriage is about as common as holding your breath under water.” With my research-minded head firmly on my shoulders, my first question was, says who? No sooner did I ask than a research study was quoted. My next assumption was that this must be some miniscule study done on 5 people. Maybe it’s just age that puts weight on us not necessarily our marital status. Turns out the study included 12,000 people (not so small). What’s more, the weight gain accounted for age. B.M.I (body mass index)  for married couples increased above and beyond what it would normally as couples aged.

It’s not just cohabitating that leads to weight gain. Cohabitating without marrying resulted in some weight gain but not as much as after saying “I do.” “If you’re married, the thinking goes, you’re somewhat settled. You don’t have to prove yourself; your spouse will ostensibly love you, muffin top not-withstanding.” I get the settled/not proving yourself part. My lingerie collection may as well have stayed on our honeymoon. As for my husband, he played tennis last night and crawled in bed when he got home. “Did you shower” I asked him. “No, I probably should, I guess.” As I mentioned above though, my husband admitted he’s not a "for muffin top, for cellulite” kind of groom. I now had 2 questions. First, what does it say about husband and I that we don’t have “happy pounds”? And second, is it superficial that, unlike Mr. Deans in the article, my husband may not love me “no matter what?”

As these questions sprinted around my brain, I kept reading, in search of some answers. I got an answer, from a professor (no PhD mentioned!) at UNC. With regard to the Slaytons status quo weight, “the less stable the relationship the less likely you’ll gain weight because the chance that you’ll be out there, back on the market is greater and thus, the need to be attractive once again is heightened.” Whoa now Penny Gordon-Larsen. Why does the need to be attractive not apply to your spouse or yourself? And what does the weight gain do to feelings of self esteem? Is weight gain really being used as an indicator of relationship stability?

More questions. I cannot argue with the results of the study. I will share them as a cautionary tale for my Bridal Foodtraining clients. All married people can become complacent and that’s never a good thing no matter how it manifests itself. As for me and my husband, “in fatness and in health” doesn’t work. Though it stung a little when he first said it, I wouldn’t be as attracted to him if he gained a huge amount of weight. We see eye to eye on this which is really what’s important for any couple.
Are you married? What has happened to your weight or your spouses’ weight? Would you have avoided marriage if it meant adding 15 pounds to your frame (remember cohabitating may only mean 5 pounds)? Do you think it’s superficial to be anti-muffin top when it comes to a mate?