Is food an issue in your relationship?

Sure you want to eat that?

What are you uncomfortable discussing? Sex? Money matters? I would normally add politics to this list but most of us have extinguished that fear this election season. Today I’m shooting a news segment on couples and food. The producer joked to me “it’s easier to get heroin users to talk to us.” I sent a few emails to clients and friends. We have two women and one man on board to open up about food differences in their relationships. However, the majority of the responses I received went something like “this is a huge issue for us but I’m not sure we want to air our dirty laundry.” Really? We weren’t asking people to strip naked. Rather “he’s a health nut and I’m not” that sort of thing.

When a client enters into a new relationship I always ask, “what kind of an eater are they?” While this may seem unimportant initially, while everyone is on good behavior, you eat three times a day, it will matter. If you love to stay home and cook and he wants to go out every night OR he is gluten free and you are “gluten full” you need a game plan.

No need to completely convert

“We need to work on his eating” a client told me last week referring to her boyfriend.

“No we don’t” I said. Let’s work on your eating. As long as your partner isn’t AGAINST your eating regime, you’re ok. We don’t expect our significant other so think the same way we do and so they don’t need to eat the same exact way either.

My husband loves golf, I promise you he spends more hours golfing than eating. I tried it and I don’t love golf (understatement alert). He doesn’t expect me to golf, we’re good.

Metabolism Matters

When it comes to eating, metabolism, gender and age affect how much you should or can eat.

A tiny woman shouldn’t match a big guy or you’ll have relationship weight gain.

Homemade Helps

Cooking at home allows you to share the experience of meal prep and menu selection. If one person likes fries or steak, you can make baked fries or sweet potato fries and grass-fed steak. Or, you can add a veg for the healthier eater. There’s usually that Venn diagram overlap or some common ground.

No Food Advice While Eating

This is the same advice I give to parents of teens.

“Are you sure you want to eat that?” is never going to be met with “oh you’re right, I don’t’ want to eat that.” If you’re going to say you’re worried about their health, I am sure but don’t worry about it at the table. There is nothing sexy about policing your mate.

Finally, as I said in my blog last week, let’s not be so shy about this. Whether you’re in a new relationship or a longstanding one you can discuss food and eating. Just don’t contact Foodtrainers for “couples Foodtraining” we don’t offer that service for a reason.

We're not on camera, tell me about your relationship food issues. Do you and your partner eat similarly? Was that always the case? If you do not, what do you do to compromise?
And finally, happy halloween...if you missed it here is a link to our "healthy sweets you can eat newsletter".

The whole "dad bod" thing

Have you heard the term dad bod? I had heard rumblings but I looked into it further when Kaitlyn Bristowe (the latest Bachelorette) remarked to my beloved People magazine that she didn’t want a mate with the “dad bod”. Even as someone who feel looks matter and fitness definitely matters my “uh oh antennae” activated.

OK so first this “dad bod” term. Dad bod is said to be coined by college student Mackenzie Pearson. At least she’s credited with it but she also says her friends had been using the descriptor so I can’t be sure. Who really cares? What’s interesting is that “dad bod” refers to a man “with a nice balance of a beer gut and working out.” Basically, a guy with a normal body. I cannot even for a minute imagine if “mom bod” was used. I think of mom jeans and a total backlash “this has nothing to do with having kids” etc.

As usual, I digress. The truth is I think dad bod has been widely accepted for a long time. Washboard abs are not on many women’s list of requirements especially if you are in a relationship with a “dad” and I mean married or just in a long-term relationship (not with your dad, someone else’s dad etc.).  If I’m speaking personally (and my husband has never been overweight, very active etc.) a) that “I spend my life lifting weights” look isn’t my thing and b) would any woman seriously want all that goes along with a guy who is more neurotic than you are? No thanks, I've got that covered.

So the dad bod concept isn’t new. The dad bod is actually a step up from what many men (over 25) look like.  If I’m dreaming I wish men would come out and say “we don’t like a woman with a super flat stomach, perfection is not what we’re after”…but that would require I go back to sleep and dreamland.

What do you think of dad bod? Ladies, single and otherwise, do you want washboard or dad bod? Do you think says something that Kaitlyn doesn’t want a guy with a dad bod? Please tell me you knew who Kaitlyn was. And guys do you like women saying that chiseled isn’t crucial or do you even care?

This is Why You're Not Losing Weight

I totally missed Tracy Mcmillan’s article “This is WhyYou’re Not Married” perhaps because I am married (Tracy can we have an article on that) but from what I gather it caused quite a stir. It’s touchy for someone to point out why you’re “not” something you want to be. If relationships are difficult to discuss, I spend my days focused an equally touchy subject and that of course is weight. From day to day, I see many roadblocks that exist between men and women and their goals. I don’t have all the answers but I do have experience. See if you spot yourself in any of these.

You think the answer to the weight question lies in what you’re eating- we have a checklist on new client questionnaires. Checklists are a little sneaky in that questions listed don’t’ feel so “big”. New clients rate on a scale of 1, 2 or 3 what they’d like to cover in their sessions. One item on the list is “assistance with emotional eating”. Nobody gives that item a 1 (indicating it’s unimportant). And yet, when we sit down to meet, about half of new clients will say “well I don’t binge or anything like that.” OK that’s helpful but if you feel yourself headed for the cabinets after getting off a stressful phone call. Or, if you’ve ever uttered, “I’ll do that once I lose some weight” you’re weight is about more that “just liking food” or an extra glass of wine.

Your workouts get more attention than your diet- I love the fact that fitness has taken off. I don’t know if it’s the branding from studios such as soul cycle and flywheel or that there are so many interesting options (step aerobics was not for everyone) but fewer and fewer clients come in for their first session not working out. On the contrary, many exercise multiple days a week and there they are sitting in my client chair. So here’s the deal, you can’t exercise away a poor diet (I may have mangled a phrase Carolyn uses all the time). And if you’re saying, “my diet isn’t poor” well how about the fact that diet determines about 75% of the weight picture? You absolutely need exercise for your health but if you’re looking to reduce be sure your shopping list gets more attention than that workout schedule.

You’re focused on what you’re doing right- perhaps you exercise (you now know my thoughts on that subject), eat salad and hydrate, that’s all good. However, we don’t get to pick and choose what holds us pack. As I discussed a plan of attack with a client last week she looked at me and said “but I already do so much that’s good”.  I sometimes call this the spoiled brat syndrome (don’t worry I told her so). This client wanted to lose weight but was only doing the parts of her Foodtraining that came easily to her while eating too many carbs and treats. I presented a challenge. I asked her to follow the plan I had outlined for a week. We know what happened, right? At the next visit this client, though initially stubborn, saw that a couple of areas were holding her back.

You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (the “heavy” shoe)-I have another client I’ve only been seeing for a couple of months. She came in with a lot of longstanding, destructive habits and we’ve been steadily chipping away at them.

A couple of months into our work, she went on a vacation and was disappointed with her eating and said, “I just don’t see this happening it’s so easy to go back to how I used to eat.” That comment was a bigger red flag than any of the food consumed on the trip. I didn’t express my concern but helped her regroup. I knew mentally she was teetering. It took about a month but I waited for the right time and asked, “so do you see yourself sticking with this? Can you envision yourself at the weight you want to be?” She could and whatever you’re trying to do, if you want to do it (for good) you have to be able to picture it. I don’t care if it sounds corny you have to believe it to do it.

You lost weight and now want to discuss maintenance- Oh maintenance. As I say in LBT there is no finish line when it comes to weight loss. Did weight watchers start this? The idea of a “goal weight”? I wholeheartedly believe in goals but why in the world would we make progress in a certain area (therapy, fitness, work) and then jump ship? As much as the word “lifestyle” bugs me, whether it’s Foodtraining, gluten free, paleo or vegan if you find a regime that makes you feel energized and lean please stick to it. Sure, we have weeks where our eating is looser and others where it’s better, that’s OK. If you are waiting and expecting the rules to change once you make some progress or reach your “goal” you may have set the wrong goal.

Whatever it is, whether you have those same 5 pounds or 50 pounds to lose. If you’re just tired of not feeling your best and that’s taking up way too much mind time…chances are there’s something mentally or physically that needs adjusting. You know what they say; if we keep doing things the same way we get the same result. So pick the scenario or tip you relate to most. Admit “I do that”. And then you can make real progress.

Which of these tips is the most relatable for you? Why do you think so many people focus on exercise more than eating? Did you read the Tracy McMillan piece?

Your partner is putting on weight, should you go there?

Flipping through Fitness magazine an article entitled “Don’t Go There” drew me in.  In the piece, the author recounts seeing a nutritionist who made some rather rigid suggestions. The women shares the nutritionist’s recommendations and her concern over sticking to the plan with her husband. He roots her on, encourages her to give it a try and she flips out. Subtext to her was maybe you should try a little harder to lose weight. After the scuffle that ensues the husband declares weight an off limits topic in their relationship. He concludes that whatever he said was taken the wrong way. For them this was the right decision. She went on to build a healthy routine and lose some of wedding weight.

This got me thinking. I do not think there’s any place for harsh or critical weight commentary in a relationship but the notion of an off limits topic doesn’t sit well with me. I may fall too far in the “better to say it” camp but I think with weight it in can be just as damaging to say nothing. So how do you say something without wreaking havoc?

• First, don’t have this conversation when someone is getting dressed, about to leave the house etc. While there may be no perfect time, right before you leave for a night out or work isn’t best. It's also not best right before or right after sex unless of course you never want to have sex again (with that person).

• Second and I’ve said this before “how do I look?” isn’t really a question. “How do I look” is praise seeking. When faced with this request, whatever it is find something to compliment the other person on and move on.

• It’s crucial to make sure your wellness or weight commentary is about the other person even if it in turn affects you. Have you noticed your partner is more self-conscious? Dressing differently? Super stressed? So busy that workouts are marginalized? If so, these are great points of entry. You don’t have to say much, sometimes a question is enough to plant a seed or get a conversation started in a gentle manner.

Weight gain doesn’t exist in a vacuum and support, genuine concern and help when needed can make a big difference and I think a much better way to go than doing or saying nothing.

If faced with this situation, would you “go there” or steer clear? Do you think weight can be discussed in a nonthreatening manner? Has anyone/ a partner ever discussed your weight in a hurtful manner? Have you heard phrase mixed-weight relationship? I just did for first time.

I work hard to stay sexy, shouldn't he (or she)?

photo from a site Belly Billboard, post called "extreme couch potatoing"

Over the holidays I was reading Elle magazine. My magazine reading is generally food-skewed with a little home design and beauty thrown in. Fashion magazines are usually waiting room or hair color reading for me but I enjoy Elle and their relationship column called Ask E. Jean.

One reader wrote:
Dear E. Jean: I adore my boyfriend of six years. He’s intelligent, emotionally mature, kind, loving, and funny. But: He’s fat. When we first started dating, he was a very hot, muscular mountaineering guide. Now he’s a lawyer, and most of the muscle has turned into fat. When he gets home from work, he sits on the couch, drinking beer and watching bad TV. He’ll do that for an entire weekend if I don’t persuade him to get out and do things. Our sex life has almost always been thrilling, but the laziness and fatness are enormous turnoffs. I’m an athlete and go to the gym at 5 A.M. Though I’m still madly in love with him, I find myself looking at in-shape men. Superficial, I realize! I drop hints, and it never goes well. Is there a way to tell him to shape up? I work hard to stay sexy; shouldn’t he? I don’t want to make him feel bad, but he can’t let himself go indefinitely! —My Sexy Man’s Gone to Seed

I’ve heard this sentiment from men and women, married and dating about their partner’s eating or weight. E.Jean (strange name now that I think of it) called the girlfriend out for being turned off by an intelligent, kind, loving “fat dude” telling her “God help you if you ever grow old, gain a pound, get a wrinkle or your bottom sags.” So she basically felt superficiality has no place in romantic relationships. Can I give advice to an advice columnist? 

You may say I play for team shallow but I disagree for a couple of reasons. First, "plump partner's" change in appearance isn't simply due to the passage of time. He went from being active and outdoorsy to "lazy". I also think "it's what's on the inside" counts when we're talking about friends or coworkers but physical attraction hinges on aesthetics. For some a little extra is fine, even preferred, but maybe not for 5am girlfriend.

Later in her reply E. Jean loses me completely when she advises the woman to hire a male trainer with "buttocks that look like they've been blown up by a bicycle pump" and schedule sessions in their living room. To me, this is even more superficial than the original question. You don't make someone jealous or guilt them into make changes. Sure, girlfriend may be looking at in-shapre men but her objections with her man aren't solely based on buttocks. She calls herself an athlete and him lazy. IF someone wants to watch TV all weekend, the real issue is compatibility and I don't think fitness is one of those minor relationship issues like toilet seat consciousness. The axiom that you can't change someone generally holds. But what about when you're trying to nudge them in a direction they once were? You know the possibility exists.

I'm not a fan of dropping hints of downloading "couch to 5K" on stout steady's phone. 5AM girlfriend said her guy was emotionally mature. That's great. She needs to sit on the couch with him and present her wish list. Is it more time outside and active together? Is it watching shows they both like? And his response and subsequent actions will speak volumes. This isn't a married couple and these two may have "grown" apart. It's also important to think about these differences should these two co-parent one day (and if boyfriend would be ok with couch potato jr too). E. Jean says girlfriend should "grant him the freedom to live as he wants" agreed but if that means being glued to the couch and that doesn't work for her, she may have her answer.

Do you and your partner have similar views on exercise and eating? Do you think that's important in a relationship? What do you think is the best way to point out "slippage"? And what about physical attraction is it honest to say you're less attracted to a partner based on appearance or is this crossing the shallow line?

What to Do When You're Married to Mr Bagel

 

It was October 29^th, the day of the weirdly early snowstorm in NYC, my Blackberry buzzed indicating an email. The email was from a client but not just any client; this client was supremely driven to look fierce at her upcoming birthday bash. Our whittling work started months ago and momentum has been steadily building toward the 11-11-11 party date. We’ll nickname her B (for birthday). B has been mentally filed in my unstoppable category.  The email read, “I ended my run on 59th Street which just so happens to be the site of my husband's office.  Since he's slammed with work, I bought some coffee and surprised him.  While there, he offered me half a bagel."

My heart skipped a beat but it turns out that B resisted the bagel and reminded her man of her birthday plan. I congratulated B on her snowy run and bagel resistance. I then asked, “what are we going to do about Mr. Bagel?” She replied:

Mr. Bagel is 6'1" and has weighed within the same 5 lb. range for at least 20 years. What do you do when you're married to a handsome, rail thin man with the metabolism of a 25 year old who can eat whatever he wants?  It's like I'm married to the male version of Heidi Klum.  (And isn't it nice that I think of him that way?) To be fair to Mr. Bagel, he does do many things right.  He just can indulge when he wants without consequence.  Me, not so much.

I told B I could relate. My husband’s version of being good is skipping the second beer or the kids’ cookies. A few days of this sham stringency and I have to listen to “I feel really good.” Most men are metabolically superior to women and somehow our lack of noticeable nose hair or gender-based chance at a couple of extra years doesn’t seem like a fair trade. My advice:

• Remind Mr. Bagel  (all “misters” are forgetful) that love isn’t expressed in carbs but with green juice, salmon and calorie free jewelry. I have learned, the hard way, that men sometimes need the ground rules spelled out.

• Another tactic that works is to appeal to aesthetics. “Eating bagels may work for you but giving me a bagel is essentially giving me a muffin top.” It’s then his choice of a fierce of flabby wife. 

• For some men, a scientific explanation can be effective. Men like knowing how things work. “A bagel is equivalent to 6 pieces of white bread which breaks down to sugar which in high amounts predisposes you to diabetes and heart disease.” A little exaggeration never hurts. We’re women after all, right?

• And while I’m not suggesting this before Friday, sometimes it’s good to keep Mr. Bagel sated and surprised (and I’m not talking about that) so in rare circumstances I do suggest having the crappy bagel. It’s all about trade offs and in my experience that buys you about five healthy fish and vegetable meals.

B, I would be happy your Mr. Bagel is the male Heidi Klum and that “you feel that way”.  Other Mr. Bagel’s look this this.

Have a happy birthday and a great party.  You’ve worked hard and it shows and you can probably guess what I’m getting you for your birthday…

Do you have a Mr. Bagel in your life? It can be a friend, family member or coworker. How do you silence a saboteur? How do you manage food or metabolic differences in your relationship? Ever run in a snowstorm?

Why Men Want Women to Eat Mac and Cheese

                                   photo by Simon Mark Smith

Recently I applauded Kim Cattrall’s admission that she watches what she eats as a refreshing departure from teeny celebrities professing their love for burgers and big portions. And then yesterday I got a kick out of an article in the New York Times “ For Actresses, Is Big Appetite Part of the Show?“ on this exact subject.” In this article experts debate the reasons why actresses profess their love of fattening food and why we all want to read about it. It was noted that these declarations appear most often in men’s magazines. Padma Lakshmi, the host of Top Chef, went on to describe women eating a lot as a male fantasy after which the author wrote “two things we need to survive in life are food and sex or love. Food for our bodies, and love for our hearts. So what is better than the archetypical image of a woman eating succulent, dripping, greasy, comforting food?”

OK so let’s forget the words succulent, dripping and greasy (ew). The question I have is: do men find women eating a lot sexy or appealing? My first thought is that men, and by that I mean the stereotypical man who reads these male magazines, wouldn’t find it as sexy if the woman doing the eating was larger or older (see photo for confirmation). This is so hard to say in any remotely politically correct manner but the burger or rib eater’s perceived sexiness most likely determines that degree to which her hefty eating is sexy.

But aside from the idea of women’s eating as sexy or a fantasy, do men like their women to eat a lot? I wonder if you polled 100 men if they would prefer their partners to eat

a) a burger and fries

 b) a burger

c) a salad

d) nothing-

what the majority would say.  As a serious salad eater, it elicits surprise from my husband when I veer from my normal course. And yet I don’t sense any outpouring of desire when my food choices are “greasy.” I can, however, appreciate a good scotch (just one) and love to watch sports and I have a sense that my husband likes these less prissy qualities.  So maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe my salad eating is the equivalent of his toothpaste residue in the sink- something that’s not ideal but not worth making a fuss over. 

And what about the converse, what do women like their men to eat (which just came out so wrong)?  It would make some sense that females who eat healthy fare would like their men to also but I think there’s a fine line here. We want our men, at least I do, to be able to eat healthy food but we don’t want them ordering “dressing on the side.” Amenable but not high maintenance, that sounds about right.

Slender women chowing down (as if they do it daily) is no different from the super skinny woman with giant boobs or the actress shown waking up in the morning perfectly made up and coiffed. There’s something a little hard to believe about each of these examples. The irony is that hot-to-trot Kim Cattrall, was the most honest about all of this and who’s sexier that she is?

Does your partners food choices turn you on or off? Do you think a woman eating unhealthy food is sexy to men? What would you do (ladies) if your husband ordered “dressing on the side?”