Ten Things I Want My Boys To Know About Girls

"Get that body ready for your winter beach vacation!  Think about how you want to look at those holiday parties!  PICTURE HOW YOU’LL LOOK IN THAT DRESS!”

Those words don’t sound particularly offensive to me (I find them much better than the “earn your bagel” I heard recently in spin class) but they pissed another mom off. She was in a workout class and the instructor shouted them out. I’m sure the instructor was trying to motivate but Brynn Harrison thinks exercise, for herself and her daughter, should be for the love of it and not to fit in a dress. I say why do we have to choose?

My mother taught me how delicious homemade tomato sauce is, she enrolled me in tennis and swim lessons, she encouraged me to taste, see and do. My mother also worked really hard running her own business. She knew what matters (and still does) but when I close my eyes and picture my mother growing up she’s in white short shorts and a white top, with big round (white) sunglasses leaning against her sports car. My mom was a babe, I grew up aware of this but she was a babe who did it all.

Since when does delighting in what our bodies can do and what our senses can take in mean that feeling great in a dress or on the beach is off limits? It doesn’t. There is this trend in the blogosphere that holds that in order to shield young girls from all the body messaging they receive they need to solely focus on what their bodies can do.

As a mother of boys, I come across very little about boys and their bodies (thought I’m reading a great book now, more on that later) or the role boys can play in girls’ self esteem. I started thinking about what I wanted them to know about girls and later girlfriends and women:

10 things I want my boys to know about girls

1. Never think girls are either outdoorsy or glamorous. You have days you hang out in your PJs and nicer clothing for piano recitals.  A girl can love to go hiking and then want to feel pretty in a party dress.
2. If a girl asks you “how do I look” answer with “great” or “amazing” or if you don’t honestly think that find something to compliment…her outfit, her hair or her smile. Everyone likes compliments as long as they are truthful.
3. Watch how girls are with their friends, waiters and taxi drivers. Rude or mean isn’t ever cool or funny. And don’t ever be rude or mean to impress a girl.
4. People are not checklists.  You’re not looking for a certain look or a certain height you’re looking for a person that you think about when they’re not around.
5. When you’re with the right person you don’t have to choose between them and your friends.
6. You already have a shadow, look for someone who has things she likes to do. It’s even more fun if her hobbies aren’t the same as yours. If she doesn’t like to do anything…uh oh. And keep playing hockey and piano as long as you enjoy it.
7. You’re not a supermodel and chances are you will not date one. You’re handsome as can be but don’t have abs like the men’s magazines. Don’t expect any girl's body parts to look like Brooklyn Decker or Sophia Vergara (Myles wink, wink).
8. I know things move quickly these days but holding hands is never out of style, neither is holding the door open.
9. “I love you” is sacred but if you feel it always say it. 

And for the record, I liked most of what Brynn had to say to her daughter especially

"Nature rules.  And if you’re able to hike/run/bike/swim/ski/snowshoe, you can see more of it."

She would probably slap me but I’m putting on some tinted moisturizer and lip gloss before hitting the slopes today and I do care how my ski pants look and feel.

How did your parents inform you about your body growing up? Would you have been bothered by the fitness instructor’s words? Do you shy away from discussing the “outside” or looks with your daughter? What advice do you give your sons on all of this? 
I will be doing the amazing Sarah Stanley's Wellness Chat Thursday 12/12 at 8pm EST the topic is Breaking Old Holiday Habits, please join, ask questions etc.

It’s OK to talk to your daughter (and son) about weight

Over the summer a blog post “How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body” made its rounds on Facebook. Many friends posted it, others reposted or commented, “this is great” or  “loved this”. I understand it was a very sweet message encouraging parents to have their daughters climb mountains, embrace teamwork and cook with 6 sticks of butter. But the advice for talking to your daughter about her body came down to this “don’t talk to your daughter about her body except to teach her how it works.”

Hmn, this is actually good advice for very young girls. When I speak in preschools and Kindergartens children embrace how their bodies’ function- what helps to heal boo boos and what’s good for the sniffles. Sadly, children (girls and boys) leave the cocoon of boo boos and rainbows and receive messaging about their bodies. At a certain point, saying nothing or as the author advises telling your daughter she looks “healthy” or “strong” isn’t going to cut it. And there’s more, I often hear from mothers who say, “she gained some weight but I don’t want to say anything”.  And you know what? The adolescent or teen tells me “my mother thinks I’m fat.” So much for silence.

Talk less, listen more

It’s difficult to give blanket advice regarding children and weight. I recall a meeting at my older son’s school. It was the summer before many children went off to sleep away camp. I was advised to “have the sex talk with your son before he hears it from his peers”. I bought the suggested books, psyched myself up and started reading with him. Two pages in he said “mom, is it ok if I play basketball now?” He wasn’t ready. Trust your instincts. I find a great way to glean information is to ask, “what are your friends saying about” (fill in the blank). This is a way to take a pulse. “Are any of the girls talking about clothes?” “Do boys comment about who is good at sports.” “Do you agree?” You don’t have to say much.

Car rides a great place for these conversations. There are no distractions, it doesn’t feel forced like the dinner table (a terrible place for weight-talk) and if your children are young and in the backseat, they aren’t looking at you. “Do kids say anything about who’s taller or shorter or heavier or thinner?” “Do your friends focus on healthy eating”? Starting with easy to answer questions paves the way for more touchy subjects. Sometimes, you don’t even need to “go there” your children will if they want to talk about something.

Use the D word

I am a fan of realistic advice when it comes to both nutrition and parenting. I know there are parents who don’t curse in front of their children or don’t let them watch the news. Perhaps these same parents nodded along when they read the bloggers (credentials?) advice to avoid the “D” word (that would be diet) and to tell your children that their thick thighs are good for running marathons.

In my NYC office, parents are so scared about “creating eating disorders” that they fail to have important conversations. Tell your children what a diet is, whether it’s a “nut free” diet they may be familiar with from allergic friends or the silly diet someone on a tabloid may have been rumored to try. Show them images before and after airbrushing so they know that most of us, even models and celebrities, have parts that aren’t perfect. And if you’re concerned with eating disorders, shift your concern to connecting with your child. How are they doing socially, academically? In my younger son’s fourth grade class they interviewed each other “what are you scared of?” was one of the questions. Knowing the answer to this is way more valuable than any nutrition facts panel or calorie concerns.

Make Family Style Adjustments

In many families children lie on opposite ends of the weight spectrum. One mom told me she had a “bipolar pantry” with items for her super skinny son on one shelf and others for her newly pudgy pubescent daughter. While we shared a laugh and I understood the mom’s intentions, we need unified family rules. Less sugar, more greens, slower eating and better hydration, to name a few, should be goals for everyone.

None of this is easy. We can dumb it down all we want but kids are smart. They live in the same world we do. As parents or teachers or mentors, let’s guide them with honesty and information rather than glossing it all over.

Have you talked to your children about weight? How have you approached topics of body image, weight and the media? Do you think it's a taboo subject?