Are you thinking about food at the expense of other things

You can be successful in every area of your life and fucked up with food. Oftentimes, you can’t even take in that success if “food stuff” is casting a pall. I recently watched an interview Oprah did with songwriter/composer Carole Bayer Sager (pictured above with the "That's What Friends Are For" crew). Carole described the semi-spiritual way she approaches writing. She spoke of her desire is to help people feel less alone via her songs. There’s a universality to her lyrics that always made her seem like someone who got it. But you can “get it” and not internalize it. 

As the interview moved along Oprah, as Oprah tends to do, delved into Carole’s personal history. In her words, she was a cubby child born to a narcissistic mother. Carole shared a memory where her mother said “fatty, walk behind me”. As we know, those comments sting and stick. I watched his (almost 70 year old?) accomplished, beautiful woman say she had never solved her relationship with food. That chatter over what to eat when to eat and whether she’s eating correctly lingered. That residue of being the “fatty” accompanied her to the Oscars and the songwriters’ hall of fame.

The next day, a story about figure skater Gracie Gold circulated. The first bits I read were that Gracie Gold attributed recent, poor performances to weight gain. Now, Gold is an athlete and her body plays an important role in her results. But when I looked at her performance video I saw a slender, graceful woman. Nobody knows if a couple of pounds on a small frame affected her balance or skills. I don’t know the details about her weight history. What I do know is that one of the top skaters in the world was giving a press conference about her weight.

There are no easy answers here. The more body and weight issues are discussed openly, the more they can be addressed. Many of these issues are traceable to a comment or a crisis (Gold also mentioned she had been depressed) and I can assure you most people have them. New clients often talk about “food noise”. My reply and feeling is that having a system for our nutrition can displace some emotion, can quiet things. But I’ve learned that body image and weight issues do not necessarily fade with age. Like our mental state, there’s a range . We don’t expect to 100% happy and I don’t think we can expect to 100% at peace with our food or bodies either.

Do you guilt eat?

 I’ve written about peer pressure before and “bossy bosses”.  Guilt eating is similar but generally speaking in this case the person gifting or offering food has good intentions. I hear instances of guilt eating all the time. Just this week “My mom left this morning! After she left, I filled a trash bag with all of the English muffins, chips and dessert she had so graciously bought me :)”

Good that the “trash” was tossed. I’m not 100% convinced bringing these foods to an adult “child” is the best idea but you see the pull. Mom thought of me and arrived with these foods, it was so nice of her.  Yes, to an extent it was, feel that gesture.

Or, this one is even more tricky and loaded, “my kids had made cinnamon chip cookies which my daughter "invented” she had to make up a recipe for school...how could I not have one?”

Are you ready? Neither mom’s kindness nor this child’s creativity are ignored if we don’t consume the food. Acknowledge the emotion “thank you so much for taking time to bring these” OR “tell me what you put in these cookies”. It will not create an eating disorder in your children if you say “let’s put this in a container, I’m going to have it tomorrow as my treat” or “those look amazing but I’m not hungry right now.” You see, show enthusiasm and graciousness but only eat the said food if you really want to. It's your choice and your guilt or lack thereof. Make sense?

Do you guilt eat? In what situations? 

Ten Things I Want My Boys To Know About Girls

"Get that body ready for your winter beach vacation!  Think about how you want to look at those holiday parties!  PICTURE HOW YOU’LL LOOK IN THAT DRESS!”

Those words don’t sound particularly offensive to me (I find them much better than the “earn your bagel” I heard recently in spin class) but they pissed another mom off. She was in a workout class and the instructor shouted them out. I’m sure the instructor was trying to motivate but Brynn Harrison thinks exercise, for herself and her daughter, should be for the love of it and not to fit in a dress. I say why do we have to choose?

My mother taught me how delicious homemade tomato sauce is, she enrolled me in tennis and swim lessons, she encouraged me to taste, see and do. My mother also worked really hard running her own business. She knew what matters (and still does) but when I close my eyes and picture my mother growing up she’s in white short shorts and a white top, with big round (white) sunglasses leaning against her sports car. My mom was a babe, I grew up aware of this but she was a babe who did it all.

Since when does delighting in what our bodies can do and what our senses can take in mean that feeling great in a dress or on the beach is off limits? It doesn’t. There is this trend in the blogosphere that holds that in order to shield young girls from all the body messaging they receive they need to solely focus on what their bodies can do.

As a mother of boys, I come across very little about boys and their bodies (thought I’m reading a great book now, more on that later) or the role boys can play in girls’ self esteem. I started thinking about what I wanted them to know about girls and later girlfriends and women:

10 things I want my boys to know about girls

1. Never think girls are either outdoorsy or glamorous. You have days you hang out in your PJs and nicer clothing for piano recitals.  A girl can love to go hiking and then want to feel pretty in a party dress.
2. If a girl asks you “how do I look” answer with “great” or “amazing” or if you don’t honestly think that find something to compliment…her outfit, her hair or her smile. Everyone likes compliments as long as they are truthful.
3. Watch how girls are with their friends, waiters and taxi drivers. Rude or mean isn’t ever cool or funny. And don’t ever be rude or mean to impress a girl.
4. People are not checklists.  You’re not looking for a certain look or a certain height you’re looking for a person that you think about when they’re not around.
5. When you’re with the right person you don’t have to choose between them and your friends.
6. You already have a shadow, look for someone who has things she likes to do. It’s even more fun if her hobbies aren’t the same as yours. If she doesn’t like to do anything…uh oh. And keep playing hockey and piano as long as you enjoy it.
7. You’re not a supermodel and chances are you will not date one. You’re handsome as can be but don’t have abs like the men’s magazines. Don’t expect any girl's body parts to look like Brooklyn Decker or Sophia Vergara (Myles wink, wink).
8. I know things move quickly these days but holding hands is never out of style, neither is holding the door open.
9. “I love you” is sacred but if you feel it always say it. 

And for the record, I liked most of what Brynn had to say to her daughter especially

"Nature rules.  And if you’re able to hike/run/bike/swim/ski/snowshoe, you can see more of it."

She would probably slap me but I’m putting on some tinted moisturizer and lip gloss before hitting the slopes today and I do care how my ski pants look and feel.

How did your parents inform you about your body growing up? Would you have been bothered by the fitness instructor’s words? Do you shy away from discussing the “outside” or looks with your daughter? What advice do you give your sons on all of this? 
I will be doing the amazing Sarah Stanley's Wellness Chat Thursday 12/12 at 8pm EST the topic is Breaking Old Holiday Habits, please join, ask questions etc.

What's Your Excuse (for not looking like me)?

 The photo above made its virtual rounds a month or two ago. I thought about blogging about it but didn’t. There was a part of me didn’t feel Maria Kang needed more attention. Then this weekend I received this from a reader.

Hi Lauren - hope you had an amazing Thanksgiving! After a day (ok 2 days) of indulgences, I stumbled across this story in the Daily News. It's definitely a touchy subject but I actually don't disagree with the woman who originally posted "what's your excuse”.  I hear a lot of excuses from friends and family about why they can't eat healthy, can't find time to exercise and after a certain point, it annoys me. A lot. Then guilt kicks in because I feel I'm being judgmental. It's complicated, but I do believe it's not difficult to make small changes that make a big difference! I find the whole thing rather interesting and thought it would be nice to hear your opinion a la blog post.

So here it goes. This woman, Maria Kang, has three young children and looks great. What she doesn’t look is relatable and the whole photo and tagline makes her seem like the mean girl. Her shtick, if you will, is shock. When I was choosing an author photo for the back of my book my publicist said, “if you are attractive and telling others what to eat you better be smiling and sound approachable or you’ll turn people off.” If “What’s your excuse” had a photo of a make-up less mom cooking a healthy dinner with kids carrying on OR had (as in the Nike ad) someone exerting themselves or showing their commitment, it would be different. However, when “what’s your excuse” has a nearly-naked gorgeous young mom, with three cute kids there’s no way I’m feeling inspired, I’m not calling myself on my excuses, instead I’m feeling defensive and angry.

When I heard Maria Kang interviewed she explained a rigorous routine and a difficult back-story. If it were just about the story, I know women would be curious. So this comes down to a matter of messaging. If you want to motivate friends or family members, as the reader above mentioned or simply are seeking motivation yourself, we need to check negativity, shame and our personal habits at the door. You cannot motivate others by saying "look what I do". 

I’ve talked about the importance of positivity and compassion before.

Some other ingredients for behavior change:

Accountability and support: In one Stanford study 1 phone call every 3 weeks resulted in 78% more exercise. Goal setting also helps; Carolyn enlisted me for the Runner’s WorldHoliday Running streak

after first checking to find out if this appealed to me which is key.

Sorting out "why" also matters. We don’t exercise or loose weight “because we should” we have to figure out what’s the reward or connection for each of us. One person’s skinny jeans s another person’s avoiding medication. Sure enough, in a study where women wrote down the things that were important to them they tended to eating less of the tempting but unhealthful foods that were offered in the lab after the exercise than those who did not. After two and a half months, they also weighed less, and had smaller waistlines than the other participants. The difference in the groups applied to both those with normal weight and those who were overweight.

We’re all tempted to judge and label, I know I’ve had moments of that on this blog and many more in real life. It’s OK for the reader and all of us to get judgy or annoyed when others don’t take care of themselves but if our goal is to help them the key is making it about them and keeping it kind. Nothing Maria Kang has said is designed to help others. “I want this to happen for you” or “we all make excuses” would've  been completely different. As for walking around in a sports bra…I have many excuses why I will never don the one black boob, one red if Maria wants to hear.

What motivates you to make health-related changes? Can you think of a person, ad or event that gave you a positive nudge? What do you think of what’s your excuse?”

Moms Work More, Kids Weigh More?

I love a good lead.  I was sitting at my desk early one morning, preparing for clients, when I received an email with the following in the subject line “I look forward to you debunking this (because I think it’s crap).” Now if I love a good lead, I love a good debate even more. I clicked through and found a story that has caused quite a commotion in the blogosphere. A study published in the Journal of Child Development found that there’s a correlation between mothers working and higher BMI for their children. Translation working mothers have heavier kids.

Patience isn’t a virtue I naturally possess and when irritated I have difficulty disguising it but my first reaction to this wasn’t anger or even surprise. I have an unusual schedule in that some days I work early and I’m home to make dinner and do homework. Other nights, I am in the office until 7:30pm. There is a distinct difference in the 2 scenarios when it comes to my children (similar ages to the children studied by the Cornell team).  On the nights I’m home, I am there to make dinner. I have time to make sure the kids start homework early enough and get to bed on time. On my late nights, it’s all a rush. Dinner (though we’re talking Applegate or Amy’s) may include a convenience item and bedtime can easily be delayed.  My children are far from obese and I’m a nutritionist but I get it.

Much of the outrage stemming from this story had to do with finger pointing. After all, children’s weight is affected by many factors: activity level, food choices, sleep, and genetics to name a few. So why “blame” mothers when this is likely a more complicated issue? This reminded me of a conversation I had when my 8 year old was a baby. I called my mother for advice, I was upset and complained, “why is everything on my shoulders? I work but still have to grocery shop and organize Louise [babysitter] and put Myles to sleep, Marc just has to go to work.” I happen to have a very helpful husband but when it came down to childcare, things weren’t even-Stephen. My mother said “you’re lucky, Marc is hands-on but there is only one Mother.” As Oprah would say, it was a “light bulb moment”.   The reason a father’s working status isn’t mentioned is because feeding children and all that goes along with it continues to be more the mother’s “job”.

With slightly over 70 percent of mothers working, the question is what to do with this statistically significant link.  Mothers need tools for timesaving meals they can perhaps make on the weekend. Additionally, perhaps kids can sign some sort of pledge limiting TV or video games when their parents are at work. And parents, mothers and fathers, need to get home whenever possible so as not to disrupt bedtime.  In my eyes it comes down to time and not neglect or guilt or blame. Anything you’d like to “debunk” in this study?What emotions does it evoke in you? Did the bulk of “feeding” responsibility fall on your mother growing up? Is that different from your current situation? Does the 70% statistic surprise you? Let the debate begin.