What "you're perfect just the way you are" really means.

This blog was a big part of what prompted me to write a book and here I am focused on getting LBT out there neglecting my blog, what does that make me? I’ll be back to regular posting soon but one of my favorite things about blogging is when I come across something that compels me to post. These items never make it into my “blog topics” file. This morning I was doing my social media browsing and a friend posted the cover of my book “The Little Book of Thin” and mentioned she had enjoyed it so much she re-read it-nice. This friend is thin and beautiful as many of my clients and readers are. It was two comments below her post made me pause and I’ll try to paraphrase as my intention isn’t to call anyone out (directly).

The first basically said, “wait a minute- you’re already thin".  I think this is interesting and brings up the question of why we read diet or nutrition books. To this commenter I would say feeling good isn’t just about size. It never feels good to come home at the end of the day and order in because you haven’t food shopped, it doesn’t feel good when you’re bloated or knowing you have foods and ingredients you’re regularly eating that are probably harming way more than your weight.

And the second comment stated that the poster was perfect as is ok I’m going to quote “For what it is worth, you are beautiful inside and out. Just the way you are.” This type of statement isn’t as straightforward as it seems. It’s one thing to point out someone looks great, a compliment is always welcome. The message here is you don’t need to do anything and it strikes me as a little judgy. If I read a novel and post that I enjoyed it are you going to tell me “you don’t need to read that you’re smart already”. No, there’s the sense that learning has its merit. So why then is it wrong to read and learn about nutrition? It isn’t but I just had to say so.

What do you think about these two comments? Is reading about food and nutrition all about weight? And even if it is, anything wrong with wanting to drop a couple pounds even if you appear thin? And “perfect just the way you are” is that purely nice or a little more involved?”

In order to be beautiful cease all efforts to improve yourself

I am not writing about Gwyneth again but this story starts with her. Simon Doonan (perhaps you’ll recall his hilarious book Gay Men Don’t Get Fat) took issue with People calling Gwyneth the most beautiful woman in the world or “MBWITW” and it’s not because he doesn’t think she’s beautiful. Rather, Doonan suggests, via Slate,  that efforts to improve your looks actually detract from beauty.

Her strenuous efforts to achieve perfection—thrashing around a gym morning noon and night with Tracy Anderson and eating nothing but plankton and kale juice—leave us all shrieking, “What would she look like if you took away her battery of Pilates gurus and aura cleansers?

I’ll answer Doonan’s question, she’d still look great. Or let’s ask Doonan how he’d look without a shower, haircut or the great looks he puts together for Barney’s. Perhaps when women discuss their regimes, something I applaud, it takes away from the mystique but even if it doesn’t involve kale or exercise, most women have beauty rituals. Even Liz Taylor and Catherine Deneuve who Doonan feel were worthy of MBWITH status didn’t roll out of bed looking like that, please.

I’d argue that in order to be crowned the most beautiful woman in the world, you should be living your life full-throttle rather than tormenting yourself with some deranged, ascetic self-maintenance regimen. Non?

Part of me can see where Doonan is going with this. There is nothing more beautiful that someone, seemingly carefree, enjoying their life. However, why is it assumed that exercise involves torment? Personally, I feel more deranged when I’m off my “regimen” than on it. Is Doonan talking about his image of an ideal woman? It doesn’t seem he’s talking about real women, that’s for sure.

And Doonan doesn’t stop, for someone who feels beauty should be effortless, he sure has a lot of prerequisites. After fashion week he remarked:

But the most beautiful woman in the world should also have a cheeky demeanor and a decent rack. Sadly, these two attributes were in short supply.

The Slate article closes with Doonan’s request for entries into his MBWITW contest. I wish I was capable of illustration because the woman Doonan describes is a cartoon character with a rack and a smile, living her life full throttle. She’s not just beautiful but “the most beautiful” and achieving this status is effortless. She’s accepting the “pat on the head” and “goody bag” Doonan is offering as MBWITW.  I don’t know about you but all of this makes me want to go out for a run and if that makes me ugly and ascetic- awesome.

What do you think makes a woman beautiful? Why do you think exercise and food regimes, to the uninitiated, seem torturous? Do you think most women, even if they don't discuss it, have beauty or food systems?

Heidi's Habit

Perhaps you saw the January 25th cover of People magazine? C’mon you know you read People. If you do not have a subscription, as I do, chances are you saw the cover at the supermarket or the drug store. Anyway, you don’t have to come clean I’ll fill you in. The cover story featured Heidi Montag, a 23 year old actress, who had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day. I don’t know if this is a cover-worthy story but I did hear a fair amount of chatter over it.

We can all roll our eyes at an already beautiful girl having 10 surgical procedures. My question is, how many other women in their 20s would do the same thing given unlimited funds? As I read the laundry list of operations, I felt fearful for this young woman. I could never dream of doing something like this because I would worry about my nose ending up near my ear, looking like the cat woman or….dying. So funds and fear are barriers for most of us but are we immune from appearance tweaking? I color my hair monthly, go to a really mean Russian eyebrow lady (because she’s the best), will soon be like one of those hairless cats thanks to laser beams and spend the same amount of money it would take to fly to Florida on seasonal facials. So I devote time and money and energy to my appearance and chances are most of you do too.

So where is the line between acceptable and addictive? I was thinking of this when I received a TV clip in which my friend Michelle Yagoda was an expert for a segment on Heidi Montag. Dr. Michelle Yagoda is NYC Facial Plastic Surgeon and Co-Creator of BeautyScoop. For the record, I met Michelle through our second grade sons. I asked her what the red flags were in this situation. She said that “not knowing Heidi, I can only speculate that she has body dyspmorphic disorder (BDD). It is a type of chronic mental illness when you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance - a flaw that is either minor or imagined. Typically, patients with BDD have multiple surgeries and revisions and are ultimately never satisfied with any of the changes.”

BDD is not something to minimize but there is some overlap with run of the mill insecurity. Maybe the difference between a Heidi and the rest of us has to do with fixation. While I get my fair share of “tune-ups”, I do not think about them incessantly. Or perhaps it has to do with expectations. My goal is not to look like Giselle but I am not 23. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to look like Giselle (I mean c’mon) but that I’m old enough to know it’s not going to happen.