It didn't shrink in the wash (and it isn't the dry cleaner's fault)

Yesterday, as my boys (sons, husband, dog) set up their man cave for an afternoon of football (not even football but Redzone which is pretty much ADD football), I saw my opening and left the apartment. I could've left without any of them noticing but I said goodbye. "Where are you going" my husband asked in the way you ask a question when you don't really care if there's an answer. I said "I'm not sure".  While the possibilities were endless, I opted for a manicure and pedicure with a friend. Can I really critique my guys when I pretty much did the female version of Sunday football? Sure I can.

Anyway, we picked our colors "don't pretzel my buttons" and "partner in crime" in case you're like me and select colors based on names. Truth be told, I am only at the nail salon for the massage (15 additional minutes on both feet and hands). My friend and I started catching up. My anonymous friend mentioned an equally anonymous family member who upon trying on her jeans remarked "these shrunk in the wash." As she recounted this, anony friend rolls her eyes and we both cracked up. "It's never really the wash" said friend "or the dry cleaner" I added. Yes, yes clothing shrinks and if your dry fit tee looks like it can fit a first grader- dryer culpa. But the five minutes most of us have our jeans on "dewrinkle" doesn't make them tight.  OK?

Post pedi I realized the first football game wasn't even over. I can't even dawdle when I try. So anony (and fun) friend said, "they're watching football, let's get a beer". I agreed to a gluten free (Estrella) beer and we sat outside a cafe. This was such a nice break from kitchen cleaning, week planning and all the other sucky Sunday stuff I typically do. I could've been on vacation and yet I was 2 blocks from home. Friend, so you know she isn't just honest to her family members, says "as I sit here with you I can feel my jeans pushing into my fat." My advice to her "you have to keep wearing those jeans, not as a torture device, but the second you give up on the fat-pushing pants it's pretty much game over." Another laugh and because I had zero confidence my three guys would remember that even though they had no need to go out, the dog (Bronco- like the Denver Broncos) did, I went home.
P.S. Nothing makes me feel more full and gross than beer.
Have you blamed the wash or the cleaners? Think you should wear clothing even if it's borderline? What would you have done with a free afternoon?

Top 10 Signs You Are An Instaslave

Off the bat I’ll say that I carefully consider my smoothie and juice ingredients so that the finished product will not only taste good but also so that it’s pretty. Greens in a carroty juice? Looks like sludge. And while I could lie and say I just like my food to be attractive, oftentimes I want it photogenic. And I’m not alone. I know this is the case because I read about a “tie dye smoothie” on Well and Good where you rinse the blender in order to make a multicolor final product hmn. Read the questions below to see if you are an “instaslave”:

1. Do you find yourself hoarding reclaimed wood so that you can rest your edible creations on it?
2.  Even though smoothies are consumed with a straw do you decorate the surface with gojis, kiwis and other camera-friendly foods?
3. Do you get manicures so that those paws grasping your green juice or smoothie bowl will not detract from your pictures? Carolyn’s friend says the hashtag to used in these cases is #nailed it
4. Do you request cappuccino art from your barista and snap coffee photos?
5. Do you take selfies?  I mean do you take more than a few or who are we kidding more than 10 selfies until you get one you like? At an event when Snack Queen and I tried to selfie she told me she had the best "selfie "arms". 
6. It actually seems the “shoefie” is the new selfie but true instaslaves probably know that up and coming is the “shelfie” for new book releases (for LBT we had the #lbtlookbook, I’ll admit shelfie more catchy).
7. Do you race with friends to be the first to post something insta-worthy? OR are you like one of our fabulous Foodtrainers’ interns and make a pact with friends to stagger posts so that you’re not all duplicating each other?
8. Do you strategically wait for those key times to post when you think you’ll get the most likes (Steph the  instaslave savvy intern informed me this was definitely a thing)
9. Do you sulk when you start eating before capturing the “before” image of your meal?
10. And finally, do you speak in #hashtags. Perhaps you even caught the Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake hashtag skit

Someone told me they had life envy for me I told them it definitely isn’t real life they were envying. I just hope I’m not guilty of #instabrag, I have to have good #instamanners.

Are you on instagram? Twitter or Facebook? How many on this list are you guilty of? Do you find this all silly or a little scary?