Monday, May 7, 2012

Kelly Bensimon Can Make You Hot


For those of you with better taste in TV shows than I do, Kelly Bensimon was one of Bravo's Real Housewives of NYC. She’s probably best known for an episode, taped on a girls’ trip to the Caribbean, where she really appeared to have lost her marbles. I’m not talking tipsy or ditzy but full-blown seemingly mentally ill behavior for us all to see. That was a couple of years ago and now model Kelly, the original tanorexic, 

or as one commenter on a message board said, who looks like she rolled around in a bag of Cheetos, has a diet book.

What’s that? Is everyone’s a nutrition expert?
Not to worry, on page 1- yes I did waste $11.00 on the kindle book, Kelly clears it up. “I’m not a doctor or an expert of any kind. I’m just a mom who was a teenage competitive swimmer and a model who has lost 50 pounds twice.”
Let’s dissect. She’s not an expert of any kind  she’s a mom (there are many mothers, how is that relevant?) who was a teenage competitive swimmer (bragging trying to justify authorship with athleticism) and a model (because they’re known for stellar eating habits) who has lost 50 pounds twice (um pregnancy doesn’t count). It gets worse she adds Playboy to her resume and plays the pity card because she was never “one of those tiny, blonde girls who guys named their hamsters after” OK so I didn’t waste my $11, page one and Kelly the Kookoo Krispy is in full bloom…hamsters?

Exercise Advice
Kelly  defends her RHONY running in the streets of NYC habit. See, on the sidewalk “you can get snacked by a shopping bag, a stroller, an even an oversized purse. Sidewalks are really obstacle courses. Beware!” So we’ll avoid the oh-so-dangerous Fairway bag and get hit by a Fresh Direct truck, that will be HOT. And there’s a suggested playlist, for when you’re running in traffic, it includes “Skinny Love” by Bon Iver and “Beautiful People” by Chris Brown. And in case you think running down Broadway listening to “Beautiful People” will make you look tranny hot like Kelly, she cautions “unfortunately I can’t give you my legs but I can help you be the best you can be.” Kumbaya.


What doesn’t work
  Kelly turns reveals her tricks by first  clearing up what doesn’t work. There’s a long list but for a taste:
  • The tapeworm diet does work because “instead of making you thin, it makes you dead”. 
  • Eating nothing but an apple a day does not work (“though it does save you money”)
  • One I had never heard, though I think it’s part of the eating disorder Pica, “eating Kleenex to make you feel full does not work.”

If anyone reading this book needs this list, they need psychotherapy not a lunatic model taking you down diet memory road.

What works
Want to know what really works? Drumroll please. OK, Kelly discovered that “really eating is the key.” After that insight, Kelly transitions into a supermarket section and gets a little bossy. First “dress to look good when you hit the supermarket, if you look good you’ll feel good and buy food that’s food for you. No sweats.” I checked PubMed and couldn’t find studies showing that people who look good bought food that’s good for you. And do yoga pants count as sweats? If so, I clearly don’t look good when I shop. Next, Kelly says it’s not hot to snack while you shop.  So much for the motivational speak, I am not hot either. As someone who's genetically predisposed to snack while shopping, my mother said the doorman always knew her groceries because the baguette had the end torn off, I resent this.  Plus, Kelly insulted my mother too. Grrrrrr.

Here’s a sampling of the staples on Kelly’s suggested shopping list:
  1. Cornbread Mix- I love good cornbread but it’s not the next superfood.
  2. Organic Fruit Snacks- Kelly falls for the health halo, “fruit snacks” = candy
  3. Yogurt covered goji berries- someone should tell Kelly “fauxgurt” isn’t hot.
  4. Olives- olives may be little balls of fat, but they're full of health-promoting, omega-9 monounsaturated fatty acids as well as vitamin E and flavonoids, which are potent antioxidants. Plus, black olives have more iron than any other food and there is research to show that olives and olive oil may be effective in the prevention and treatment of arthritis, asthma, and some types of cancer. They also satisfy your need for salt and combat cravings. Aside from the “ball of fat” part someone needs to call the plagiarism department, I will bet my business on the fact that Kelly wouldn’t know a flavonoid if it hit her in her hallow head. Sorry if this sounds defensive, I like olives.
So this book is a total waste of time but like reality TV it’s the variety of time wasting that’s so unintelligent, self-serving and “off” it kind of sucks you in. I’m sure Kelly is proud of herself for writing a book (her 2nd actually) but Kelly I have advice for you, reading a book- that’s smokin' hot. And because I couldn’t resist
Circa 1983, her name is Lauren
Do you think anyone is justified in writing a diet book? Have you seen Kelly on RHONY? Do you like olives?

32 comments:

  1. Oh man, so....I think I'll keep my $11 and not get the book, what do you think?! Ugh, I hate how all of these reality women think they are qualified to write nutrition/health/weight loss books. Of course, people (ahem...) do buy them, so why wouldn't they?! But you're right, does she even know what a flavanoid is?! And to put cornbread and fruit snacks on the list of "Staples" is flat out funny. I really can't name one benefit of either of those foods.
    Blah, I am not a RH fan. Period. I'm a fan of the other reality shows; like Amazing Race and Big Brother! These people are on for one seasons, then I rarely see them again :)

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    1. So yeah, keep your $11. At the very least Bethenny was a chef/knows something about food and is smart. You cited the examples the whole thing is like listening to someone talk about their workout and eating routine. Many people have some nice habits but a book...And as you said maybe 1 season of anyone is enough.

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  2. haha okay I saw her introduce this book on E! entertainment (obviously...and hopefully...the Today show passed her up haha). She sounded like such a moron introducing her HOT book that I didn't give it a second thought! I'm glad you reviewed it though because WHAT A JOKE!
    I don't think that any old celebrity has the right to give diet advice. They are all extremists whether they admit it or not (ok, most of them). Like, did you ever read bethenny frankel's book naturally thin? Talk about writing a book for how to have an eating disorder! I was really turned off by her and her recent fame after writing such nonsense! Thanks for pointing this out!

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    1. Didn't read Naturally Thin, I did participate in an ABC special about fad diets and in one segment Juju Chen asked Bethenny what her credentials were to do yoga videos and diet books, I enjoyed that. People have to realize that one person giving their take isn't the same as an expert giving advice that can work for many people. And there's the question of causality. Kelly's diet didn't produce her legs so people eating cornbread and coated goji's will not get them.

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  3. LOL...I love how she tells us up front that she's not an expert of any kind. Um, enough said. Buyer beware! I'm not sure if that's more funny or you admitting you bought this book! I have a few of those on my bookshelf as well! I really am laughing as I type. There should be a disclaimer (warning?) at the bottom, "This book is for entertainment purposes only" and from your description, it's quite entertaining!! I don't think people would actually take her advice seriously. Would they? ;-)

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    1. You know, as part of my "research" I read reviews and some people said "advice so sensible" and really pro-Kelly. Is that "starstruck" or just not knowing better? I thought it was funny but I also encourage everyone to see where info coming from and where it is, as you said "for entertainment purposes only." OMG love the warning label "this person has been known to run in the streets and eat jellybeans incessantly, buyer beware".

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  4. This is funny! Thanks for my morning laugh. I am slightly tempted to check it out at the library. I have no idea who this woman is, I don't watch reality tv and I don't read diet books (I'm simply to lazy to get past the M*A*S*H reruns on the t.v.), but I love a funny story. I don't mind getting sucked into someone's bizarro as long as I know in advance that I'm there for the laughs. Do I sound snotty? ;)
    P.S. Let's all have a moment of silence for anyone who reads this book and takes the advice.

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    1. Caron, if you or anyone finds this book in a real library, I want a photo. That would be funny. I guess there's no harm if someone reads this book, assuming they don't eat tissues.

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    2. ha! i had to look and success at NYPL but seriously disturbing: 14/16 copies are checked out http://nypl.bibliocommons.com/search?t=smart&q=kelly%20bensimon&commit=Search&searchOpt=catalogue

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    3. I am horrified but not surprised. The venn diagram of RHONY/pro kelly people and library card holders can't show a big overlap.

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  5. Thanks for my Monday morning dose of celebrity humor! I did recognize Kelly's name, but didn't know she was one of the RHONY, nor that she was an expert in fitness and nutrition :-). "Celebrities" writing books about things they know nothing about drives me crazy. Why not, at least, endorse the help of a real expert so at least the information is accurate. This drives me crazy too with all the celebrity endorsements of the gluten-free diet as the most wonderful weigh to lose weight. Argh!! I do like olives too though, as you saw them in my pasta dish. No melted cheese sounds a little crazy to me, but it can be done-just make sure to sauté the onion first if you won't be baking the dish in the oven :-)

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    1. EA I ham sad you've heard her name. I always think of you when I write the celeb posts. I take pleasure in lowering your blog reading standards. Exactly, find a nutritionist to give you some credibility not just "I've learned so much and will share this." And as far as the cheese, it distresses me that I have a son who picks cheese off his pizza BUT I used to do that too as a child and now? I dream of cheese. Thanks for the tip.

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  6. hilarious. i hate rh, i get second-hand embarrassment for everyone involved. But i have to admit i kind of want to read more, at least of the what doesnt work list. curious what else she's tried, maybe can explain missing brain cells.

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    1. second hand embarrassment for sure (and great term). Oh no, did I actually make you want to read more? Not to worry I picked the jewels from the don't try this 2 PAGE list.

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  7. I can't reply to my post (?), but I wanted to add that I did buy "This is Why You're Fat." I can't be misrepresentin' my lazy self.

    I will search all my library catalogs today!

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  8. I've never seen RHONY...just can't do it. I realize this is blasphemous seeing as I work in reality TV! But I'm not judging..I watch my fair share of trashy TV.

    Love your sarcasm Lauren...and I love olives too.

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    1. oh you can judge, at least my food network reality tv is slightly more acceptable.

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  9. I don't watch reality tv (unless it's the amazing race). But some celeb diet books may be OK...like they consult with a dietitian and personal trainer, and write about specifically what worked for them. So I don't mind if a celeb authors a book and cites her sources. Or if they write about what worked for them, and a dietitian signs off on "yea, it's healthy" after reading it. I can't think of any examples right now, but I'm sure there are some out there.

    But there's also the lol entertainment value of it. Come on, you had to have had a few moments, right? Pica doesn't work???? YOU DON'T SAY????

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    1. TS I agree, if she leaned on an expert or used a co-writer it would acknowledge that she doesn't have expertise and she knows it. On the other hand, this made me laugh out loud do I don't regret it.

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  10. When I saw your tweet this AM I thought you were promoting this book. And that scared me ;).

    Having watched RHONY, I could not be less interested in what Kelly B had to say about weight loss, being thin, or being "hot" for that matter!

    Thanks for taking the bullet for the rest of us ;).

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    1. Beth I'm so sad you ever thought I would promote this. It makes me feel better though that someone as smart as you has watched RHONY. This was a really funny "bullet", happy to take it if makes us all realize that so much of our information comes from Kelly-like sources even when not as obviously Kelly-like.

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  11. This review was hilarious. Her book sounds like it's destined for the bargain bin in no time.

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    1. you'd think but many libraries have a waiting list

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  12. I lost 40 pounds after having a baby. Maybe I too should pen my words of weightloss wisdom? (being facetious here).

    I do watch RHONY and that season when Kelly went bananas was the absolute best one. That was the same one where Jill went a little cuckoo also, right?

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    1. Well Sam I would read an exercise review book if you ever write one and Kelly would die for your MD degree. I think that season everyone went crazy, "good" TV.

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  13. This is the best book review ever...thanks so much! There is such a difference between personal experience and expertise. As I've said to parents when they try to out-knowledge me in the college process, your anecdote is evidence only of your anecdote.

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    1. "difference between personal experience and expertise" that's what I was trying to say. Personal experience is a one-dimensional approach. Expertise can help steer you to what would work best for you. OMG parents of college bound kids must be a crazy mess. I will not be that way ha ha.

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    2. It's going to be fun helping you and your boys with college (many years from now)! And you've navigated the NYC private school admissions process...college will be a breeze in comparison.

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  14. i just blogged about this too!

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    1. I will read, normally I'd quip "great minds think alike" but may not be the case with this subject.

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  15. Laughing out loud! Thanks for this highly entertaining post. I love your writing, Lauren

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  16. Catty, Lauren!  Me likes!

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