I’ll admit, I didn’t realize today was the anniversary. I hate using the word anniversary for something sad but I’m not sure how else to put it. On Instagram, Jen’s best friend and soul sister Alicia posted a silly photo of her (I wish I knew the two of them in those silly, carefree days) and 1971-2011. I paused, gulped some air and tried to take that in. I realized I couldn’t sit down at my desk to work. I grabbed my headphones and went out the door to run.
The image I always revert back to, and I’ve written about this before, is you in my waiting room. When I open my office door, some clients are emailing, others half asleep but not you. I actually think you were reading when I came to the door, on this day, but you stopped and looked my way with a smile that was spellbinding. We all throw around the term energy but five years later I still get the chills thinking about your energy and effect on me. Your force was so strong.
Five years, have I done things with these five years you’d be proud of? I know that sounds pitiful but you had high standards and weren’t shy about that. I feel some weird pressure to improve and enjoy myself because you aren’t able to. I don’t know if I can say I’m fearless, as you were, but I’ve made my way through some rough times, during these five years, and come out the other side. I’ve written a book and bungee jumped too but it’s when I’m running or listening to music and fully appreciating those things that I think of you most.
It will always feel wrong that you’re not here. I wish you had more time to smile and I wish you had turned 45 this year. I miss you.