Monday, November 28, 2011

Becoming An Optimist


I’ve been thinking a lot about Jen lately.  She and her husband Dave started Cycle for Survival and we have a mega-team, in the early stages, ready to ride in February. And last week, Jen’s parents posted on her You Fearless website and talked about Jen being driven and determined from the get go. In the time I knew Jen and ever since, when I am faced when a challenge I try to strap on my Jen mask of fearlessness and optimism. The problem is, I often feel like an imposter where underneath is the real Lauren. Not all of us can see the bright side as easily.  I came across a book called Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman and purchased it on audiobook. During my runs and a recent family car trip (Marc officially thinks I have lost it) I’ve been listening to passages from this book. To my relief, optimism and pessimism aren’t camps you’re permanently assigned to. There are tools to make you more optimistic.

I heard a lot of Jen while listening to this book. Optimists see bad things as temporary whereas pessimists fear it will last a long time. Optimists are able to put troubles in a box while pessimists give universal explanations. As a result of these patterns of thinking, pessimists are more likely to become depressed, they do worse in school, sports and most jobs than their talents would suggest. They also have rockier relationships. Optimists are said to live longer and though Jen’s passing comes to mind I tend to think she survived sarcoma for 7 years in part because of her optimism.

Midway through Learned Optimism, a hokey “diet” scenario is presented as a teaching tool. We're told of Katie who was two weeks into a diet and succumbed to chicken wings and nachos when out with friends. Katie does a number on her self feeling weak, gluttonous and defeated. A technique called disputation is suggested. Pessimistic thoughts can be disputed as you would likely dispute them if someone else said them. Katie could say, “I’m not a glutton and one slip doesn’t mean my diet is blown. Sure, nachos and wings aren’t healthy foods but one misstep in two weeks isn’t the end of the world.” By disputing the bad thoughts you can change your reactions.

Disputation is one technique another is distraction. It is very easy for negative thoughts to play on repeat in your mind. If you tell yourself not to think about something chances are that will not do much good. If you divert your attention to something else, even as simple as a pencil or other object and study it, your can redirect your attention. You can also plan a time to think about something, for example at 7pm I will give this more thought. Other suggestions were a rubber band around your wrist and to snap it when the destructive thought arises or keeping a card in your wallet with a certain phrase such as “enough” or “stop it.” In order to stop ruminating another suggestion is to write down negative thoughts. These techniques "ventilate" negativity.

There’s also an exercise called externalization of thoughts.  With someone you trust you role play the negative thought. I could say to you "it's all your fault you aren't doing well at work" and you would dispute my accusations. In certain ways- Jen did this with those on "team Jen".  It wasn’t that she was without doubt or the facts but that she was able to turn it around and wasn't shy about seeking out help. Whether it’s work, weight or health related your beliefs are not necessarily gospel and we have the choice to be dejected and depressed or energized and action-oriented. Speaking of actions, we’re just starting to fundraise for Cycle 2012. I am optimistic we’ll surpass our team goal of $10,000. I am fearlessly asking you to click over and help us stomp on cancer.
Do you consider yourself an optimist or a pessimist? Does it give you hope that your beliefs and self-beliefs are subject to change? Have you ever listened to an audiobook? Are you going to donate to Cycle?

26 comments:

  1. I remember the dance video you posted of Jen, and after watching it (w/ tears ), I thought, Wow! Fortunately I do consider myself a glass is half full kind of person. The technique of distration works pretty well for me, or it may be that as I've gotten older, and gotten past some "hard" stuff, I realize that "this too can pass.". I also thank my mom because I have realized as an adult that she's probably one of the most optimistic people I know. I will be heading over to donate today (after I take the kids to school and walk the dog.). I can't wait to see your dance video Lauren :-)

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  2. I'm more of an optimist... I've listened to a few audiobooks... one was about being assertive vs. aggressive.
    It's a beautiful thing that friends and family are keeping Jen's memory alive =)

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  3. Thanks EA, that dance video was a classic. It's interesting you mention your mom because so much of our thought patterns are fixed in childhood. Though Jen may have been born determined I can't help but think her parents helped her channel her energy. Thank you in advance.

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  4. And Lisa, with Cycle Jen is kept alive. If you knew her or knew of her she cannot be forgotten.

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  5. What a nice way to remember Jen! I'm looking forward to donating to your team again.

    I struggle with being overly pessimistic and cynical, which I try to temper when I'm working with kids. I've had more than one parent call me a "dream-killer" when I think I'm being realistic. I know that my idea of "realism" is often seen as pessimism. Something to consider. I need to find optimism, but often life experiences tell me otherwise.

    Two great audio books: Bossy Pants by Tina Fey (because she reads it, which makes it a million times funnier) and the entire David Sedaris collection, again because he and his sister read the books. The Sedaris collection is 14 hours long, almost as long as the drive from St. Louis to Denver. C and I listened to the whole thing on a road trip. Totally worth it.

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  6. LOVE audiobooks. This sounds like one I would like to give to a lot of people :) I'm an optimist for sure; I think I unknowningly grew up using "externalization of thoughts" technique - My mom always says "what's the worst thing that could happen?". Verbalizing worst case scenarios helps me see I'm being ridiculous, or it's not that big a deal. And Of course donating; I'm so excited for Cycle/team FT!

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  7. Carolyn- agree that verbalizing and role playing can neutralize thoughts. Excited for Cycle too. Ooh Marie dream killer, harsh. Maybe better to let the colleges kill the dreams vrs you.

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  8. I decided to donate and then come back and comment. If I knew how to leave a proper comment - one that said everything I wanted to say without being a novella - I would tell you that as young as 22, I was a nervous wreck. I was sick, I couldn't eat and I couldn't see my way through into adulthood. I've learned a lot since then. These techniques work, you can change the way you view life, it's worth any effort you can put into it, I'm still a work in progress and although I'm not sure I can kill the lousy jerk in the back of my head, I AM sure I know how to shout him down these days!

    Also, audiobooks not so much. I have listened to two on vacations. Otherwise, my commute is 9 minutes long. I don't listen to anything when I run, either. I've never figured out when to listen. I do try to listen to The Cinnamon Bear at Christmas, though.

    Hey, Lauren, don't forget our November teaching ourselves something challenge. I still have another dish to make: kugel this time!

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  9. What a great post Lauren. Not only do I see a way to change my own attitude about a situation, I see how to better parent my children. There are so many opportunities to help them learn to accept and move on from the bad (or perceived bad). Thanks!

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  10. I think I'm stuck in between an optimist and pessimist. With my kids I try to be the eternal optimist but, I definitely find myself looking at my items in my life with the glass half empty when I should really be embracing it as half full! I dole out the best glass half full advice to my friends and family but, for myself, not so much. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes MAJOR events in my life (like the death of my Mom) to remind myself that LIFE IS TOO SHORT and LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING. you only have one chance to carpe the diem so, you might as well try to do it all the time!

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  11. I'm an optimist. Usually. But I have moments when I get really harsh with myself, usually having to do with a lack of organization. When I feel like I can't get anything DONE, despite having all the time in the world, I can get really unkind with myself. Still, overall, I consider myself to be an optimist.

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  12. Interesting Stephanie, maybe their is a way to reframe "all the time in the world" that's kinder to yourself. Shari- interesting I am optimistic for others too. Health/loss puts things in perspective but for me doesn't always improve self-talk.

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  13. I go thru waves but at times I definitely take after my dad's pessimism. It's nice to be reminded of this. Thanks, Lauren.

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  14. I am most definitely an optimist. I really believe that we're able to set the tone for the day and almost predict our future by expecting it to go great!

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  15. I think this is a wonderful post. It's actually funny I would have thought I was a pessimist and then when life was really hard I learned that I was the optimist in my family. I learned more about myself during the hard period then any other time in my life. And even when the things turned out differently then I had thought they would I found hope to be the most powerful tool in my arsenal.

    As for audiobooks, not my thing I like to imagine the different voices and accents but appreciate anytime someone wants to consume good literature.

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  16. Interesting, I think perhaps there are different situations where we can be more optimistic or hopeful and those where pessimism dominates.
    Paige- love "predict our future by expectiing it to go great". Trish- I think we're either like a parent or the polar opposite.

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  17. Good morning!

    I think this book sounds fascinating! I love audio books. I went through an oovie-groovy audio book phase and listened to a lot of Eckhart Tolle and Wayne Dyer...and come to think of it...I think the messages actually sunk in because I do credit both of those books with helping me to reframe my thoughts and to become a little less fearful and a little more compassionate in my day to day. Of course, nothing sinks in without there being a willingness on the listeners end...hence why the books would probably not work for my boyfriend or your husband :)

    People think of me as an optimist. I believe that intrinsically I am. But I can get depressed, too. I had to unlearn depression, that's for sure! But yeah, I agree, you can train yourself to be more optimistic. And it's pretty worthwhile when you think about it. Sadly, many people "enjoy" being pessimists. Some people like to complain...

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  18. Cameo- you're so right, if you want to be more optimistic that's a big part. Some people do not.

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  19. This sounds like a good read.
    I would like to have thought I was an optimist but there are a times when those pessimistic thoughts get in there as well. As you mentioned, it is difficult for me to just put thoughts in a box..I am the queen of explanations.

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  20. I used to be a total pessimist until I realized that nobody wanted to be around me. So I'm proud to say that I've done a 180...most of the time. :)

    Sorry I didn't get to meet up with you last week...things were so hectic with the holiday. I hope to be back soon though!

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  21. Ameena hope you had a good trip, I can see the pessimist in you but I think that's what makes your writing so good. Don't get too happy. Hope you had a good trip.

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  22. Wow, this is simple yet powerful! I like to think of myself as an optimist, but I'm definitely more optimistic about other people's situations than my own. Instead, I tend to dwell on bad things or my own mistakes way more than I should.

    I'll try some of these techniques out, especially the "disputation" -- you're right. I'd give these responses to someone else, but I'm harder on myself. Time to turn it around!

    Have a happy day =)

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  23. Thanks Meredith. Try it and let me know. If we all can treat ourselves as we do our buddies and kids we'd be better for it. Easier said than done.

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  24. I don't think I could classify myself as either an optimist or a pessimist. There are some things that I'm really pessimistic about, like schoolwork. I always think that I'm going to do horribly on a test even though I usually do just fine. Maybe that's more perfectionism that than pessimism? On the other hand, I tend to have a somewhat positive outlook on the rest of my life...as long as I'm not feeling tired or hungry! :)

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  25. Definitely an optimist. There is nothing to fear but fear itself right? Why worry? It's going to happen so don't try to control the uncontrollable and focus on the good.

    Life goes up and down but I believe if you walk thru life confidently then it will be more fulfilling. Hard to do at times? Of course, but that too shall pass.

    Wake up eveyday and when you stretch you should smile. That will set the tone for the entire day.

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  26. I would sa I'm an optimist. My husband's the eternal pessimist so it keeps things interesting!
    I have never read an audiobook. I would get too distracted by other sights and sounds!

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