 |
| Not a "Vogue" photo I realize |
I love being tipped off to provocative nutrition articles. On Friday I received this:
I HAD to write to ask if you have read the article about the Mom who put her 7 year old daughter on a diet in this month’s Vogue (J-Lo is on the cover) If you haven’t please, please, please go get it. Would LOVE to know your thoughts even though I think I already know what you would say.
At the time I hadn’t read the article but I was on my way for a pre-trip pedi. Prior to reading, a 7 year old on a diet, in a fashion magazine, sounded like an open and closed case for scary parenting. Once at Cindy's Nails, I spotted the J-Lo Vogue, sat back in the squishy pedicure chair and started in. Dara-Lynn Weiss opens the article describing a situation where she was at a friend’s house and made a little bit of a scene when a her daughter is served salad nicoise. I felt myself cringe but read on.
Bea, we learn, was normal weight early on and started putting on weight as a toddler. Her mother explains that Bea always seemed to be hungry and a preschool teacher even mentioned she had trouble self-regulating at a snack table. As she watched her daughter gaining weight, Weiss says she initially ignored the problem. By the time Bea was 7, the doctor classified her as obese and her parents took action.
In a very honest account, Weiss recaps her own weight issues growing up. As an adult her weight stabilized she writes, “I felt pretty normal. And I looked pretty normal. But, like many women, I wasn’t really normal.” Many parents, specifically mothers, have their own weight “stuff” that they bring to the parenting table. Some women were pressured to lose weight by their own mothers and are determined to do things differently. Others may have grown up heavy and looking back wish their parents intervened more so that they didn’t have to be taunted or unhealthy. It’s very easy to pat yourself on the back and feel successful in the nutrition department when you have average weight children. It doesn’t mean you are exempt from family food issues.
There were some things I felt this mother got right:
- She enlisted an expert
- She tried to make this a family affair, she brought her son to the doctor to be weighed in and she ate the same lunches as Bea
- She increased her daughter’s physical activity, enrolling her in karate
- She referred to things as “a nutrition regimen” versus a diet (though I’m not sure "diet" if handled properly is the end of the world).
Other things I didn’t agree with:
- With either children or adults I don’t feel public situations are the time for lesson teaching or scene making (except when it’s my children and they are using bad table manners). The goal is always to control what you can control and snacks at a friend’s house aren’t for a 7 year old to refuse.
- Health is the best platform. Yes, children are aware of their size but losing weight should be in order to be healthy, for life, and not to get new clothing, especially at 7. Health and healthy foods aren’t highlighted in this article and Weiss admits “we became connoisseurs of anything in a 100-calorie pack and bought enough diet soda to horrify any Whole Foods-shopping mom.”
As I read this account, I found myself thinking of children with dangerous food allergies. Weiss mentions this comparison “should she (Bea) attempt to walk through the door (at school) with an almond in her pocket, she’d practically be swarmed by a SWAT team. But who is protecting the obese kids when 350-calorie cupcakes are handed out on every kid’s birthday?” And if we get our children extra help with speech or reading, should we not have them assisted when needed with nutrition? “The same Tiger Moms who press their kids into private school test prep at four or force them to devote countless hours to piano or dance or sports find it unthinkable to coax a child to lose weight.” The word “coax” rubs me the wrong way but point well taken.
The truth is many will take issue with this mother’s methods. If I recorded some of my boys’ piano practice sessions I would bet you wouldn’t award me patient parent of the year either. This article references a 2011 survey where parents find weight the single most difficult topic to discuss with their kids ahead of drugs and sex. Maybe this Vogue piece is a tool parents can use to open the discussion. And I think this is a discussion we should have with obese and non-obese children. After all, we can work on weight but we also need to work on sensitivity.
I don’t think this is what the person who emailed expected me to say but I’m so glad she told me to look into this and in case you’re wondering I asked the proprietor of the nail salon for the article (no magazine swiping).
Have you read "Weight Watcher" in Vogue? Do you think 7 year olds should be put one weight loss regimes? Do you think it's worse to take action for an obese child or do nothing?
I saw this yesterday on The Talk (CBS). The way they described it this women was basically becoming a food Natzi. She wouldn't let her daughter eat anything with her friends at parties and one day she also wouldn't allow her to have dinner. Sure, I disagree with that, but I whole-heartedly disagree MORE with those parents who completely ignore the fact that their child is overweight/obese. Sure, she may have gone about it the wrong way, but I applaud her for actually doing something about it and not ignoring it.
ReplyDeleteGREAT post Lauren.
Interesting Gina, I'm away and purposefully didn't read the other articles about this. I think we miss the point if we dismiss this as crazy parenting. The truth is there is no easy answer. You can say this type of restriction will harm her daughter down the road. I see plenty of children who have grown up obese who aren't exactly issue-less. My kids and I talked about this as I was typing the post and we discussed what a diet was, what obese meant etc. Funny, we hadn't until this came up.
DeleteI watched this on GMA and this lady sounded strict and almost mean spirited but I can understand that she wanted to do what's best for her child. I always believe in balance...balance is key.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if balance is enough when it comes to obesity. My children have organic meals at home high in fruits and vegetables and also cupcakes and pizza at parties. Would my approach be the same exact one with an obese child? It may not be. However, kindness, love and dialog are the keys in my book. Mean spirited not good.
DeleteI agree with you on what she did right and wrong. What I most strongly agree with are your comments on kindness and love. When done in a loving way we can teach and not criticize. We can support and not judge. In my experience when parents own ideals of beauty and thinness get confused with wanting their children to be healthy and well, children end up feeling badly about themselves, criminalized for every bite, and judged harshly for imperfect bodies. That doesn't work for anyone!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully put Michele. This was one article but what came across to me was that the mother initially did nothing, didn't know what to do (normal). And then I think admittedly the mother's history and desire to help may not have been communicated perfectly. If this were a client of mine my questions would be does the child have a desire to make changes with her eating, does she understand why she is embarking on these changes, does she understand that sometime what we want and what our body needs are different. And most importantly support because it isn't alway fun to say no to things. It cannot be about thinness at this age.
DeleteDrives me crazy that we can't send peanut butter to school but junk foods that contribute to obesity and disease get a pass.
ReplyDeleteI think that in this situation the mom is bringing way too much attention to the issue. Her control and criticism could backfire and result in her daughter having an eating disorder down the road.
IMO, her role as a mother is to model what it means to eat healthy. Not make her 7-year-old daughter feel bad about her body or what she is eating. Makes me so sad!!
Agree and disagree. I think with an obese child you have to bring attention to it. It can't be just about eating healthy. My husband has brothers and one of them always had inclination (from birth!) to eat more. So in a way you can't parent the same way as a child who self regulates (as most children do). I agree that the tone can't be critical. As for whether this paves the way for an eating disorder it's a double edged sword. Thirty percent of children in this country are overweight, more than half of those obese. We can't afford to life in fear of eating disorders and not act on this issue. However, nobody needs to feel bad in an effort to feel good. Complicated.
DeleteI think the parents do need to do something. Their job is to teach the kids about what a healthy diet is, and make sure (to the extent they can) that the kids eat mostly healthy foods. My mom taught me from a young age how to read a nutrition label, and this was in the 1980s, I think before they were even mandated. I remember being able to choose any cereal I wanted, as long as the sugar content was below a certain cutoff (I'm thinking a honey-nut-cheerios level maybe). As a result, I now know how to read a nutrition label, and I know what foods are healthy and what foods are not. My husband has no clue, although he's learning.
ReplyDeleteMy son is 6 and I am going to start doing this kind of thing with him around now. He already asks for things like pop tarts and gets answers like "no, they are not good for you because they have a lot of sugar and no vitamins or other healthy stuff." But he's old enough now to get more quantifiable answers about that, and to know how many times a day he should eat fruits and vegetables, for example. My husband thinks I obsess about his diet too much. I disagree. He's normal weight, for the record, and very active, plays a lot of sports.
Well done Jen. I really think this should be taught in schools. Where does our food come from. What is in it? How does our body use it? I love that my children are old enough to understand food and I don't have to police as much. And yes, they love ice cream and chocolate and I know I'd have to curtail these items more if weight was an issue.
DeleteI thank my lucky stars that my 7-year-old daughter has no weight issues. But I am really diligent about making sure she eats well and gets a ton of exercise. Still, I can tell she has a fast metabolism. I feel sad for the poor kids that don't! And while I don't agree with everything this mother did, I really admire her for taking action.
ReplyDeletePS: So sick of school celebrations that involve sugar. It seems like it's an every day thing!
Agree Ameena, it's hard for children and families who have to confront weight head on as it is for families who have to live in fear of allergens or any other health issue. The school celebrations are insane and at least notify parents that kids had cookies at a book fair, cupcakes at a birthday etc. It's overkill.
DeleteGreat article Lauren!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the mom and I feel sorry for her that she has to justify her child's diet. My daughter did not inherit my fast metabolism so we taught her early on (5-6 yo) to watch what she was eating. She is 9 now and knows more about nutrition than most adults. The great thing is that I don't have to do anything now, she is fully independent. She is not super skinny, like her brother, but she is not overweight either. I find it crucial to discuss nutrition with our children, not just weight. Everybody, even kids, should have the right to know (pesticides, GMO, hormones, antibiotics...) and decide for themselves. BTW, we watched the online premiere of the Hungry For Change movie and the kids loved it. They felt like they already knew a lot of things and reinforce their food choices. It is very well done.
I don't know hungry for change, what is it about. What a success story with your daughter. It sounds as if you empowered her to make good decisions and positive changes. And yes, it's about food and really our world to learn about all the food decisions we all make. We are away and on a boat saw coke (gross) made with sugar. We had a conversation about why the US makes it with HFCS and Mexico and Central America use real sugar. The more kids and everyone know about food the better.
DeleteExactly.
DeleteMore about the movie here: http://www.hungryforchange.tv/ You can watch it online for free until the end of the month.
Forget about it, enjoy your vacation! :)
Lauren, I agree with everything you said and I did think you would come at it from these angles. I so wish she would have been more compassionate and kind to her child, too! The article ends in the most depressing way--would love to see a follow up when the daughter is 16. Thanks for posting!!!
ReplyDeleteI think the mom has a book deal so chances are we'll all be hearing more. Perhaps with the exposure the mother with gain information about how to relay this information and hopeful Bea will have someone more than an MD working on all of this with her. Any other articles I need to read?
DeleteWell I am reading EATING ANIMALS by Jonathan Safran Foer now, can't wait to let you know where I end up with that one.
DeleteI don't have children, so no personal stories to share, but I whole-heartedly feel it is worse to do nothing about an obese child.
ReplyDeleteAs do I Tanya, that's why we can't rip this mother apart for methods that aren't perfect.
DeleteAs someone who was moderately overweight as a child (pretty tall, pretty round) there was nothing more crushing than one time when my dad told me to "watch what you are taking in, dear" at a birthday party. I know he meant it in a nice way, sort of as a friendly reminder to slow down, but I had never been more humiliated or embarrassed. That was over 20 years ago, and I still get a sharp pain when I think about it. I can't imagine that this girl went through that on a regular basis! These kind of watching-over-you-shoulder and humiliation tactics, which this mother employed, are bound to set up an unhealthy relationship with food (not to mention the parent or guardian enforcing them).
ReplyDeleteI think writing this mother off as "just not perfect" is doing her a favour, when children are still SO much more likely to have an eating disorder than they are to develop Type II diabetes. Can't we teach children to be healthy without making them feel humiliated or ashamed of their bodies? How many adults do you know who hate their bodies and are disgusted when they look in the mirror? Do we want to assign children to this destiny?
I think the "fix obesity no matter what the cost" attitude is very damaging to our relationship with food, eating, and body image as a society. If you don't love yourself and think that you are a valuable human being who has the ability to function, no matter what you look like, than why would you even want to lose weight in the first place? The headless, soulless pictures of obese people completely dehumanizes them, as does the media, so why should they care if we are not going to listen to them until they lose a few pounds? What's the point if we don't treat children with equal love and kindness? Can you imagine if a parent treated a normal-weight child with this level of disrespect and disregard for their feelings? Why is it excusable if it is "for the greater good"?
I appreciate what you did in analyzing this as a way to get the conversation flowing, and I really, really hope a lot of good, long chats come out of this. But I think that there is no way to justify what this mother does as "good" or respectful. There is "doing nothing", "doing something", and then "doing damage". This women did the latter.
Jenna, thank you for this feedback. I am entirely anti humiliation (public or private) and think/hope we can do something without doing damage. I love what Natalie said (above) can we not teach children about food and choices without shame? Can we love our bodies, our minds and food and at the same time work on our weight? My main point here was that doing something isn't bad, addressing a weight issue isn't bad but I in no way mean "no matter what the cost" I just feel there's a cost in not addressing. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeletePutting an obese kid on a diet is one thing -- and I agree with your analysis of it, Lauren. Telling the story, with your name and your kids' name, is quite another issue.
ReplyDeleteThe diet may be for the kids' benefit. The publicity is self serving for mom.
I don't think parents own their kids intimate stories and have the right to share those.
Ayala, I didn't address this but you are right. Why couldn't this have been done anonymously? And even my 10 year old said "why do they have to be dressed like fashion models?" He has no idea what Vogue is or where article came from. Great point and important consideration.
ReplyDeleteI am extremely uncomfortable with the public nature of the whole article. There will be emotional repercussions for this little girl...and once something is published, it never goes away. I absolutely think that parents should address obesity in children, but it should be done privately, respectfully and from a place of love, not publicly (both in terms of telling her what to eat AND in terms of publishing the whole thing for the world to see) and without shame or humiliation.
ReplyDeleteDo I think that it would be better to do nothing or to do what this woman is doing? Honestly, I can't choose between the two.
The little girl was 93 pounds and just over 4 feet getting clothing altered so it would fit, I would say intervention necessary but I hear you.
DeleteOh, and have a great trip, Lauren.
ReplyDeleteReally great commentary on this issue Lauren, and I agree it is a complicated one. I do agree that teaching and modeling healthy eating is absolutely important for this age group, but dieting is not. It sounds to me that this mother has a lot of unresolved issues with her own childhood and weight issues, that even though she may have her child's best interests at hand, if she does not resolve her own issues first, she may do more harm in the long run than good. I am all for a good homemade cupcake every now and then, but agree that the food celebrations at school have gotten way out of hand!
ReplyDeleteDo you think most mothers can "resolve" their childhood issues to an extent them don't surface anymore? What should we do about celebrations at school?
DeleteI haven't read the article, but from your account it seems that the mother did many things right. Working with children who are overweight, my BIGGEST pet peeve is when the other child can still eat unhealthy cause they are "skinny." It is definitely frustrating that some parents don't view health from the inside out.
ReplyDeleteI do like that her brother ate the same as she did.
I haven't read the article yet but I will soon. I don't know about putting kids on diets. I think the focus should be on changing the quality of their diets, not the quantity. Wholesome nutritious food and plenty of exercise sure beats any diet. It can become a slippery slope and so I definitely want to try as much as I can to instill good eating habits in my little one as early as possible.
ReplyDeleteI have yet to meet a parent who thinks they are doing/have done things perfectly, but this woman may come to deeply regret publicizing her daughter's journey. I wish the family the best of luck.
ReplyDeleteNice article.
ReplyDeleteDietary Supplement Ru-21