Fat on Facebook

I received the following email from a loyal Foodtrainers’ reader:

Just last night I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I came across a photo of my friend’s child, above the photo she had captioned "My Big Guy".  My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets because she had this child only 2 years ago and he is GIGANTIC, and by gigantic I mean OBESE.  This isn't like a home-grown, strapping, Midwestern farm kid who has been drinking natural cow's milk and eating kale grown outside in the garden, this is a Brooklyn kid who must be raised on ALL processed foods.  I immediately texted my best friend who is really close with this friend. She wrote back to say, "I know!  I am thinking about what to say to her now because something has to be said!!!"

What would Lauren do?  Do you have the conversation, or do you avoid it and watch your friend's kid get diabetes and asthma?  

What I would do, as a nutritionist, may be different from what you choose to do. I do not offer unsolicited nutrition advice, as professionally, I feel readiness is everything. Advice is taken much more seriously in my office than it is at a dinner table or schoolyard. I think your question is a great one for a few reasons. First, early childhood weight is often ignored or dismissed as “baby fat” while babies and toddlers, like the rest of our country, have been getting larger. One in 10 children under 2 years old is overweight. Additionally, many friends and relatives reading this struggle with the same “do I say something” question.

I reached out to Dara-Lynn Weiss, a parent and the author of the thought-provoking new book The Heavy, for her opinion on this. The Heavy documents Dara’s efforts to help her 7 year old lose weight. Last year I blogged about a Vogue article profiling Dara and her daughter Bea.

Dara’s response:

I am no expert on childhood obesity, pediatric nutrition, or child psychology. But as a mother who went through the trial of having an obese child, I do have an opinion about what you and other parents in your situation should do: nothing.

In my memoir about helping my child overcome obesity at a young age (The Heavy: A Mother, A Daughter, A Diet -- A Memoir), I consider various reasons why parents' job of helping a severely overweight child is so unexpectedly difficult. Some of those reasons are:

1. We're scared to talk to kids about their weight, and to intervene in a very sensitive and challenging area of their lives. 
2. While we are subject to the judgments and criticisms of our peers for having an overweight or obese child, we fear the backlash that may accompany our decision to help a young child lose weight. 
3. The information provided by experts on how to help our child often has little or nothing to do with our individual child's situation, making us feel like we're doing something wrong when we fail to heed that advice or find it doesn't work for our families.

I can see that you care about your friend, and are operating out of genuine concern for her child. I think you are worried she's guilty of issue #1 (afraid to intervene), but I would suggest you try to avoid being one of the people contributing to issue #2 (judgment by peers). I respect that Lauren, who does have actual expertise in the area of nutrition, doesn't provide unsolicited advice to people without understanding the specifics of their bodies and lifestyle. It is all too easy to criticize others -- I know from having been on both sides of the judgment coin -- and to feel you know what's best for them without having a full understanding of their situation.

In this case, you are making judgments about a two-year-old child's diet ("he must be raised on ALL processed foods") and health prospects (taking "diabetes and asthma" as a given in this child's future) based only on a Facebook post. There may be medical issue or a reasonable developmental explanation around this child's weight. Perhaps the mother is already concerned about or even addressing her child's weight, and she is merely expressing her love for her baby on Facebook, not making a public declaration of obesity acceptance.

I appreciate that you want to help. As the mother of a child who suffered from obesity and still works hard to maintain a healthy weight, I strongly believe that the only person who should tell a parent that his or her child needs intervention with weight is a medical professional who has an ongoing relationship to the family. As a friend to the parent of an overweight or obese child, the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is support your friend's efforts to help her child -- whenever and however she decides to do so -- and spare her any unsolicited judgments and advice. I'm sure she's getting enough of those as it is.

 Wow, thank you Dara. I have a few additional thoughts. While we both agree saying something isn’t necessarily the right move, you mentioned support. If you are to support someone you have to be in contact with them. Perhaps open the door with “how is everything going? Your photo made me realize we haven’t been in touch”. If someone is looking to spew, that’s all they need to hear. I also thought a lot about Dara’s opinion of “expert’s advice” and it’s something I often think when I read books on children’s nutrition or parenting. I feel like screaming, “it’s not that easy.” And talking about weight and food is far from easy.

Thank you for this question, if any of you have articles or questions you’d like me to cover, send them my way.What would you do if faced with a similar situation? Have you ever addressed a friend or family member’s weight before they broached the subject? Would it be different if this were an adult?

Happy Valentine's Day, Dave Linn (Jen Linn's husband) wrote the most beautiful piece about her. This is love and a must read (with tissues ready). Miss you Jen and your dancing always.

Giveaway news: the winner of the Chocolate giveaway is Kathy (from beautypalatte blog) and the winner of Sex Again is Meg. 

What's worse putting an obese child on a diet or doing nothing?

Not a "Vogue" photo I realize

I love being tipped off to provocative nutrition articles. On Friday I received this:

I HAD to write to ask if you have read the article about the Mom who put her 7 year old daughter on a diet in this month’s Vogue (J-Lo is on the cover) If you haven’t please, please, please go get it. Would LOVE to know your thoughts even though I think I already know what you would say.

At the time I hadn’t read the article but I was on my way for a pre-trip pedi. Prior to reading, a 7 year old on a diet, in a fashion magazine, sounded like an open and closed case for scary parenting. Once at Cindy's Nails,  I spotted the J-Lo Vogue, sat back in the squishy pedicure chair and started in. Dara-Lynn Weiss opens the article describing a situation where she was at a friend’s house and made a little bit of a scene when a her daughter is served salad nicoise. I felt myself cringe but read on.

Bea, we learn, was normal weight early on and started putting on weight as a toddler. Her mother explains that Bea always seemed to be hungry and a preschool teacher even mentioned she had trouble self-regulating at a snack table. As she watched her daughter gaining weight, Weiss says she initially ignored the problem. By the time Bea was 7, the doctor classified her as obese and her parents took action.

In a very honest account, Weiss recaps her own weight issues growing up. As an adult her weight stabilized she writes, “I felt pretty normal. And I looked pretty normal. But, like many women, I wasn’t really normal.” Many parents, specifically mothers, have their own weight “stuff” that they bring to the parenting table. Some women were pressured to lose weight by their own mothers and are determined to do things differently.  Others may have grown up heavy and looking back wish their parents intervened more so that they didn’t have to be taunted or unhealthy. It’s very easy to pat yourself on the back and feel successful in the nutrition department when you have average weight children. It doesn’t mean you are exempt from family food issues.

There were some things I felt this mother got right:

• She enlisted an expert
• She tried to make this a family affair, she brought her son to the doctor to be weighed in and she ate the same lunches as Bea
• She increased her daughter’s physical activity, enrolling her in karate
• She referred to things as “a nutrition regimen” versus a diet (though I’m not sure "diet" if handled properly is the end of the world).

Other things I didn’t agree with:

• With either children or adults I don’t feel public situations are the time for lesson teaching or scene making (except when it’s my children and they are using bad table manners). The goal is always to control what you can control and snacks at a friend’s house aren’t for a 7 year old to refuse.
• Health is the best platform. Yes, children are aware of their size but losing weight should be in order to be healthy, for life, and not to get new clothing, especially at 7. Health and healthy foods aren’t highlighted in this article and Weiss admits “we became connoisseurs of anything in a 100-calorie pack and bought enough diet soda to horrify any Whole Foods-shopping mom.”

As I read this account, I found myself thinking of children with dangerous food allergies. Weiss mentions this comparison “should she (Bea) attempt to walk through the door (at school) with an almond in her pocket, she’d practically be swarmed by a SWAT team.  But who is protecting the obese kids when 350-calorie cupcakes are handed out on every kid’s birthday?” And if we get our children extra help with speech or reading, should we not have them assisted when needed with nutrition? “The same Tiger Moms who press their kids into private school test prep at four or force them to devote countless hours to piano or dance or sports find it unthinkable to coax a child to lose weight.” The word “coax” rubs me the wrong way but point well taken.

The truth is many will take issue with this mother’s methods. If I recorded some of my boys’ piano practice sessions I would bet you wouldn’t award me patient parent of the year either. This article references a 2011 survey where parents find weight the single most difficult topic to discuss with their kids ahead of drugs and sex. Maybe this Vogue piece is a tool parents can use to open the discussion. And I think this is a discussion we should have with obese and non-obese children. After all, we can work on weight but we also need to work on sensitivity. 

I don’t think this is what the person who emailed expected me to say but I’m so glad she told me to look into this and in case you’re wondering I asked the proprietor of the nail salon for the article (no magazine swiping).

Have you read "Weight Watcher" in Vogue? Do you think 7 year olds should be put one weight loss regimes? Do you think it's worse to take action for an obese child or do nothing?