Fat on Facebook

I received the following email from a loyal Foodtrainers’ reader:

Just last night I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and I came across a photo of my friend’s child, above the photo she had captioned "My Big Guy".  My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets because she had this child only 2 years ago and he is GIGANTIC, and by gigantic I mean OBESE.  This isn't like a home-grown, strapping, Midwestern farm kid who has been drinking natural cow's milk and eating kale grown outside in the garden, this is a Brooklyn kid who must be raised on ALL processed foods.  I immediately texted my best friend who is really close with this friend. She wrote back to say, "I know!  I am thinking about what to say to her now because something has to be said!!!"

What would Lauren do?  Do you have the conversation, or do you avoid it and watch your friend's kid get diabetes and asthma?  

What I would do, as a nutritionist, may be different from what you choose to do. I do not offer unsolicited nutrition advice, as professionally, I feel readiness is everything. Advice is taken much more seriously in my office than it is at a dinner table or schoolyard. I think your question is a great one for a few reasons. First, early childhood weight is often ignored or dismissed as “baby fat” while babies and toddlers, like the rest of our country, have been getting larger. One in 10 children under 2 years old is overweight. Additionally, many friends and relatives reading this struggle with the same “do I say something” question.

I reached out to Dara-Lynn Weiss, a parent and the author of the thought-provoking new book The Heavy, for her opinion on this. The Heavy documents Dara’s efforts to help her 7 year old lose weight. Last year I blogged about a Vogue article profiling Dara and her daughter Bea.

Dara’s response:

I am no expert on childhood obesity, pediatric nutrition, or child psychology. But as a mother who went through the trial of having an obese child, I do have an opinion about what you and other parents in your situation should do: nothing.

In my memoir about helping my child overcome obesity at a young age (The Heavy: A Mother, A Daughter, A Diet -- A Memoir), I consider various reasons why parents' job of helping a severely overweight child is so unexpectedly difficult. Some of those reasons are:

1. We're scared to talk to kids about their weight, and to intervene in a very sensitive and challenging area of their lives. 
2. While we are subject to the judgments and criticisms of our peers for having an overweight or obese child, we fear the backlash that may accompany our decision to help a young child lose weight. 
3. The information provided by experts on how to help our child often has little or nothing to do with our individual child's situation, making us feel like we're doing something wrong when we fail to heed that advice or find it doesn't work for our families.

I can see that you care about your friend, and are operating out of genuine concern for her child. I think you are worried she's guilty of issue #1 (afraid to intervene), but I would suggest you try to avoid being one of the people contributing to issue #2 (judgment by peers). I respect that Lauren, who does have actual expertise in the area of nutrition, doesn't provide unsolicited advice to people without understanding the specifics of their bodies and lifestyle. It is all too easy to criticize others -- I know from having been on both sides of the judgment coin -- and to feel you know what's best for them without having a full understanding of their situation.

In this case, you are making judgments about a two-year-old child's diet ("he must be raised on ALL processed foods") and health prospects (taking "diabetes and asthma" as a given in this child's future) based only on a Facebook post. There may be medical issue or a reasonable developmental explanation around this child's weight. Perhaps the mother is already concerned about or even addressing her child's weight, and she is merely expressing her love for her baby on Facebook, not making a public declaration of obesity acceptance.

I appreciate that you want to help. As the mother of a child who suffered from obesity and still works hard to maintain a healthy weight, I strongly believe that the only person who should tell a parent that his or her child needs intervention with weight is a medical professional who has an ongoing relationship to the family. As a friend to the parent of an overweight or obese child, the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is support your friend's efforts to help her child -- whenever and however she decides to do so -- and spare her any unsolicited judgments and advice. I'm sure she's getting enough of those as it is.

 Wow, thank you Dara. I have a few additional thoughts. While we both agree saying something isn’t necessarily the right move, you mentioned support. If you are to support someone you have to be in contact with them. Perhaps open the door with “how is everything going? Your photo made me realize we haven’t been in touch”. If someone is looking to spew, that’s all they need to hear. I also thought a lot about Dara’s opinion of “expert’s advice” and it’s something I often think when I read books on children’s nutrition or parenting. I feel like screaming, “it’s not that easy.” And talking about weight and food is far from easy.

Thank you for this question, if any of you have articles or questions you’d like me to cover, send them my way.What would you do if faced with a similar situation? Have you ever addressed a friend or family member’s weight before they broached the subject? Would it be different if this were an adult?

Happy Valentine's Day, Dave Linn (Jen Linn's husband) wrote the most beautiful piece about her. This is love and a must read (with tissues ready). Miss you Jen and your dancing always.

Giveaway news: the winner of the Chocolate giveaway is Kathy (from beautypalatte blog) and the winner of Sex Again is Meg. 

Is Blunt Better?

I have a friend who has been spinning a lot lately at a local studio.  She told me about a pal of hers who has lost a significant amount of weight; I believe it was 100 pounds. We’ll call my friend B and B’s friend N (I’ll explain reasoning later). Before a recent workout, B reached into her bag and took out a banana. N, as in Nazi, looked at B and said, “if you’re going to eat that you may as well not spin.” B relayed the story to me and asked, “isn’t that the meanest thing you’ve ever heard?” It’s not but before I gave my two cents I asked, “so what do you say or do?” B told me she switched her pre-workout snack to an apple.

So let’s first look at the accuracy of Fruit Nazi’s comment. While the banana is a higher carbohydrate fruit, let’s bear in mind it’s still a fruit. One medium banana is around 105 calories. Forty-five minutes of spinning will burn four to five bananas. So even if ¼ of B’s class was spent burning off her banana she still has over 300 net calories burned, endorphins pumping and a great start to her day. N may have cut bananas out on her road to weight loss, she may work out on an empty stomach but her advice to B wasn’t correct and, as mentioned, B found it hurtful.

Due to my profession, I rarely offer face-to-face unsolicited advice. Even when asked or when I have a strong opinion, I’m usually pretty diplomatic (real life is different than the blog). At the end of the day you don’t want to discourage anyone from trying to get fit or eat better. I feel differently when it comes to food companies and organizations I feel don’t have consumers’ health in mind.  I also have trouble being tactful when it comes to processed food, sweeteners and the “s” word, soda. The interesting tidbit with the banana example is that B, though offended, was impacted enough to make a change.  She switched her pre-workout ritual and I would bet will not eat many bananas going forward.

Sometimes blunt is better and certainly sticks with us. I sat in a lecture on organic food once and the speaker said, “I would never, ever eat a conventional grape.” I don’t think I have knowingly consumed one since. I would bet many of you reading have your own habits you can trace to someone who told you something about food or exercise with such conviction that you followed suit. For the record, I bet that if I were to inspect what Fruit Nazi ate in a typical day we’d find some things tweak-worthy, maybe even sweeteners or soda (blech).

Do you think blunt is better? Any behaviors you recall changing based on directness? Do you eat bananas?  

Unsolicited Nutrition Advice, Is It Ever OK? Who asked you?

I have an acquaintance who, in the past couple of years, has completely revamped her eating and exercise routine and become very interested in nutrition. She sent me the query below in an email.

I am very aware of what people eat around me, especially my family members. I find myself critiquing their poor habits. This is obviously out of love because I want them to live the healthiest lives they can so when my dad reached for the fifth biscotti on the dinner table I moved the plate away. You can only live your own life but is there ever a time where you feel it is important to step in to help? Some may argue it is none of your business but I see it as an obligation at times. I would be interested to know your opinion.

I’ll call this person B.R. (for biscotti remover). I can’t imagine why but she asked to remain anonymous.

BR, as strange as this is going to sound I am not that aware of what people eat around me. With my line of work, I’m aware people expect me to be aware of their eating and in response to that I almost tune out. I don’t want my friends to feel as though they are getting graded based on their menu selections or portion sizes. The truth is, I don’t need to have to say too much because inevitably someone will say something to the effect of “how bad is this?” usually while pointing to something on their plate that they have every intention of eating. Or, they’ll ask about a supplement they are taking or their current workouts. I do not offer advice unless asked and even then I know people still don't necessarily want the bitter truth.

My feeling is that if someone is in my office, on some level they want my honest two cents about what they’re eating and how they can vary or improve it. I have a friend who’s a facialist and another a dermatologist. I wouldn’t respond well if they lectured me about sunblock outside their offices unless, of course, I inquired. One post I read contained a list of reasons not to offer unsolicited advice of any type. I was drawn to this item "people don't value advice unless they seek it out. And even then, they don't really value advice all that much unless they PAY for it." 

 Having said all this, if I were to put an asterisk after “do not provide nutrition advice unless asked”. Next to the asterisk it would say *except when it comes to family members. There’s a comfort level with family members and with that comes an ability to say things you might not ever utter to friends or coworkers. I have found “shoulds” are better received than “shouldn’ts” and when you can praise instead of pontificate. It’s better to suggest to my mother she should consider organic produce versus saying is shouldn’t pour an inch of olive oil in the sauté’ pan. And just because it’s easier to advise family members, I don’t know if it’s all that effective. My family doesn’t necessarily heed my advice. I have never heard “that’s a good point.” Or, “you’re right maybe I’ve had enough.”

B. R.  I have to say some of what you describe reminds me of me when I first started studying nutrition. I was busting at the seams with my new knowledge. I wanted to cook healthy food, eat as well as I possibly could, take vitamins and hydrate. It was unfathomable that others didn’t share my enthusiasm or foodcentric viewpoint. My healthy bubble burst rather quickly and I learned to share less and less. It’s not the information people need by also the intention to change. I knew my stuff and didn’t need to force it down anyone’s throat, there’s not always room with 5 biscotti in there.

Is it ever appropriate to give unsolicited nutrition advice? Is it acceptable when it comes to family? What’s the worst unsolicited advice you’ve ever received? Do you think a blog is sort of unsolicited advice? Hmn.