Maybe you'll never "love your body" (and that's OK)

Monday, I admitted to a major meltdown. I joked (or bitched) about being kitchen-less before a beach vacation. The subtext was that I like to clean things up with my diet before the whole bathing suit situation. That same day, a colleague’s Instagram post caught my eye. I should preface this by saying this person is awesome. I had the pleasure of meeting her during our recent California/Expo West trip and she’s funny and smart and none of what I’m writing is about her…just about something she wrote.

Let me set this up:

The photo I referred to shows this nutritionist in a jog bra. What’s interesting was her commentary on showing your stomach. The stated intent was to show her followers she understood this was a thing (showing your stomach).

I’ll stop for a minute and say while abs may be the ultimate reveal, many women don’t like “showing” in general. It could be insecurity about a certain body part (arms, thighs or abs are common) and it’s also possible it stems from personal preference. In my case, I have way more A-line items in my closet than body hugging ones.  And if I’m being totally honest my Instagram feed is never going to be filled with photos of me especially not sexy photos. And this is not a judgement about people who have  a ton of selfies (OK minor judgement).

The RD I referred to explains she loves her body and is unfazed by bathing suiting but didn’t always feel that way. In her effort to diffuse body anxiety she assures readers “it gets better with age, you will evolve, mature…three will come a day where you don’t care if you ate pizza the night before you get into a bathing suit.”

I think things struck a chord as I had just articulated my pre-beach mindset. I am over a decade older than this person;  I think I've evolved and matured but wearing a bathing suit isn’t "thoughtless" to me. From counseling clients all these years, I know that sometimes body stuff fades with age, we can laugh at it more, be more accepting. Other times, with aging bodies, previously body confident women (or men) get more self critical.  I watched an episode of The View yesterday and the gorgeous, ageless, super fit J-Lo saw a photo of herself and uttered, “I was chubby there.” They gave her major shit for that comment but it came out.

I wholeheartedly agree with the author of the post that we need to be kind to ourselves. But I want to point out that it’s not a failing if you’re 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80 (I have an 80-something client who is very mature and still pinches her body fat and grimaces) and think about being in a bathing suit or wouldn’t rate your body a 10 on a 1-10 scale…it may just be who you are. I can say I’m a thin person, I like who I am and there are many days I feel great in my clothes. But I will note when I feel distended in the same way I’ll watch a clip for work and think about things I could’ve done better. Maybe self-acceptance comes in all different flavors.

What do you think about this? Are you more the happy naked flavor or semi-sweet on the whole thing?  Do you think it's ok not to love your body (by this I mean be 100% in love with every part)? 

*I love that my body works and every time I go for a walk or a run thank God I am capable of this...that's not what I'm referring to.

Is Age a Blessing or a Bitch?

My sister recently had a “big” birthday. Leading up to her birthday, I pressed my mother, sisters and sister’s boyfriend to make plans. Should we have a party? Go away? Chip in for a present? Compulsive planners need to know.  Word was that she wasn't thrilled about her birthday and didn't didn’t want a fuss made. I found that so silly; birthdays are blessings.We are all lucky just to be here.  My sister and I both have friends we have lost who haven’t made it to celebrate these days. I joked with my sister’s boyfriend, “so you guys are old, what’s the big deal?” He said he’d check in with me with my time came and we could talk further.

I’m still in my 30s and though I’ve seen those changes that everyone warned me happen at that 35 mark (seems previously "good" parts become cause for concern and "bad" parts remain trouble areas) until recently age wasn’t something I worried about. Perhaps one can only stress and overthink so many things. I have always felt it’s not so much age but the place you are in. I have a career I enjoy, a loving family and I’m healthy (knocking desk).

Well that uncharacteristically grounded thinking was shattered last weekend. We went to dinner at Marble Lane at the Dream Hotel. 

After a delicious meal, we stepped outside to get a taxi.  We stood on the curb as my friend’s husband hailed a cab. After a couple of minutes, three 20-something girls in napkin-sized dresses charged in front (regretfully no photo snapped). Presuming “innocence” he said, “we’re already waiting but you can grab the next taxi.” They weren’t happy, rolled their eyes and said something to the effect of “whatever”.  At first I didn’t react; I was too busy taking in the outfit choices. 

 My Friend: “Is there a problem? Why the comments?”

Napkin Dress: “Oh my god, why don’t you act your age.”

 My Friend: “Excuse me, did you say act your age, not a problem if you can act over 3.”

Neon Yellow Napkin Dress:  “Seriously- you guys are too old to be here.”

That was it, I couldn’t hold back, she called me old and I had a martini in my system.

Me: “Even when I was 20, I wouldn’t go out with my titties on full display. Plus, there's something called manners.”

There were a few more comments, in a desperate attempt to prove she wasn’t a whore, yellow napkin told us she worked in finance. I may have inquired if she interviewed in that dress, fortunately we were soon in the taxi. We joked about what transpired but I looked at my friends and said, “do you think we were too old to be there?”

I wish I could say I forgot about the Saturday night skirmish but I woke up thinking about it. I went to workout and afterward walked down the street fair on Columbus.  A large sign “Organic Skincare” caught my eye. I chatted up the owner of the company about ingredients and such and asked, “What product would you suggest I start with?” She handed me this

“Mature Serum?” I asked.

“Don’t mind the name” she replied detecting my disappointment “it’s great at any age.”

And so I did what any insulted and panicked person would do, I said “oh sure, I understand, I’ll take it.”

We ended up having a “non birthday” dinner and chipping in for a special present for my sister. Despite her misgivings she was really touched.  I realize we all view age in different ways and you never know when it’ll seem like a blessing or when it’ll be a bitch.

Do you see age as a blessing or a bitch? What would you have done if confronted by the napkin trio? Have you ever been hurt by anyone commenting on your age? 
Congratulations to our Indian Cookbook winners Kristen "swankydietitian" and Marie

I can see the future and you'll still hate exercise and broccoli

It's 20 years from now and Lauren still has that pile on her desk

Many new nutrition clients come in ready to make changes. In our initial meeting, I ask a series of questions in order to get a sense of their current habits. Then, I’ll devise an eating an exercise plan. With exercise, for example, if someone isn’t exercising I may suggest they find two 30-minute intervals to work out. Most clients balk at this allotment, I’ll hear comments such as “don’t I need to do more than that?” Or (you know I love a food expression) something to the effect of  “piece of cake” even though, prior to the meeting, there was zero exercise. My next step is to help clients schedule these new exercise sessions. If we’re meeting on a Monday, I’ll ask on which days the workouts will happen. Nobody says Tuesday, In fact Friday or Saturday would likely be the most common responses. We like to think we want to make changes but when pressed we’ll postpone or put the onus on ourselves later.

The New York Times reviewed a book entitled “The Willpower Instinct” explaining what’s at work in my example above.  Much of this comes down to something referred to as “our future self.” I know this sounds new-agey, stay with me. People differ in how connected they are to their future selves and this impacts decision-making. Less connection with this future self can manifest in less saving, flossing or eating well. With brain scans it’s shown that different parts of the brain are utilized when we think about ourselves than about others. For those disconnected from their future selves the brain activates as though it is thinking about another person. In my example, the client would expect someone else to be able to exercise more than 60 minutes a week.

The article explains ways our future self concept can be adjusted. Showing research subjects age-enhanced images of themselves changed responses to questions about spending and saving. Those who saw the older versions of themselves said they would allocate twice as much toward retirement. I think this is the same principle at work with diagnoses. When you receive a diagnosis, or even the threat of a diagnosis, it makes decisions feel more urgent and impactful. Before that, for some, health can be a vague, faraway concept.

So we can ignore our future self but we can also have unrealistic expectations. I can envision Lauren in the future with neat handwriting, no piles of papers and patience. This future Lauren will never be rushed because “next week things will calm down.” As the article said “I’ve been putting off eating better for some future time when somehow I’ll want to eat bulgur wheat rather than chocolate cake.” This is similar to the client who isn’t working out who wants to work out a ton “later in the week.” In one study, students were asked to donate time to a good cause. When they were told they had to do it in the current semester they signed up for 27 minutes. When they were given the option of next semester their volunteering increased to 85 min. Next semester they'll be more altruistic, right.

So what to do? If you’re disconnected from your future self, there are times when you will feel yourself relegating things to the future.  Whether it’s “next week” or “when I have a new job” under the assumption things will be different. When you feel that pull, do something in the instant.

• I’m a fan of 15-minute intervals. We can all find 15 minutes to clean out one drawer, walk around the block or pay a few pills. Chip away rather than trying to conquer.
• In terms of a visual there are websites to see older images of yourself such as in20years. To me this is a scare tactic. I’d suggest really think about the health issues your parents or grandparents face. Learn one new thing to minimize your risk.
• Instead of assuming you’ll love exercise, saving money and doing charitable work in the future, try to sort out why you’re not doing what you think you should now…. chances are the future will be similar.

Are you someone who thinks about your future or not? What type of beneficial behavior do you postpone? What do you think you’ll be doing in 20 years?