Does “you look healthy” really mean fat?

Earlier this week our team was in a business meeting. The discussion turned to image and how people judge you based on that, it was fairly benign. Then, the person we were talking to mentioned a nutrition colleague of ours and stated “she looks too thin. You guys, on the other hand, look healthy.” I couldn’t resist “so you’re saying we look fat?”

Trust me, I have no desire to look too thin, that’s not the goal. And too thin for women over 35 equals more wrinkly. But I like thin (even like the word thin thus The Little Book of Thin even though some do not). The person went on to clarify that we look like we eat healthfully (I like that). She was lumping us into one category and I know One Smart Brownie and Snack Queen look great…so why then does that type of comment sit the wrong way? I started to feel nuts that this lingered in my head so I emailed Carolyn expecting her to quell my mental spiral and she said “funny I’ve been thinking about that too.”

I think this goes to show you that, even for nutritionists, weight is a touchy subject and comparisons probably not a good idea even if they aren’t mean-spirited.

What you do thin of this exchange? Would it have sat the wrong way with you? Is there a right way to comment on someone's weight? Or is it a subject best avoided?

What Not To Say To Someone Who Has Lost Weight

So you're NEVER going to have cake again?

As nutrition clients make progress with their eating and weight loss inevitably people start to notice. At times, these clients come in delighted with the changes in their bodies and the feedback they are getting. Occasionally, remarks by others can sting or leave them puzzled.

A classic careless comment is “you look soooooo much better”. The subtext here is you really looked like crap before. This type of statement results in people feeling “I must’ve looked worse than I thought.” There’s no need to feel poorly when you’re making positive changes.

Motivation: Nasty

If you want to know which friend is not really your friend, lose some weight. When you really start to look fit and feel fantastic the “friend” who utters, “you better not lose any more weight” is completely jealous, cannot be happy for you and secretly hopes you’ll gain it back. These faux friends can also say things like “how are you going to keep the weight off?”

Motivation: Jealous

And just because someone has lost weight doesn’t make their food choices open for evaluation. If someone is having success, chances are they have some system they are using to assure sound selections. “Are you allowed to have that” never leads to the person saying, “oh you’re right I am going to throw it out.”  Instead, it makes them feel scrutinized and sometimes guilt-ridden. Well-meaning mothers voice their opinions in this manner. It’s far better to ask about food choices when someone isn’t eating their meal. As annoying as food policing is, enticing is just as bad. “Don’t be so rigid, just have a little” (insert treat food of choice) insinuates that the person is overly rigid. The last time I checked, skipping cake or pizza isn’t all that rigid.

Motivation: Controlling

Finally, there are the amount observations. You know, “I didn’t realize you had than much weight to lose.” Or, you’ve lost a lot of weight, how much 30, 40 pounds?”

Motivation: Clueless or Insensitive

As tempting as it is to match thoughtless comments with a snide comeback, there’s another option. There’s a chance, with some of these examples, that the person making the remark has no idea it’s hurtful. If you can say “asking if I’m allowed to eat that makes me uncomfortable when I’m trying to enjoy a meal.” Or, “when you tell me I look better it seems to suggest I didn’t look well before” you then have the opportunity to explain yourself. This may prevent the person from saying such things in the future.

If you have a friend, coworker or family member who’s losing weight and want to encourage them “you look great” always works.

What’s the most upsetting thing anyone has said to you about your weight? Any classic “what not to say” comments I omitted? Do you think the motivation is jealousy, malice or ignorance here?
PS Did you see Xbox's childhood obesity commercial during the Super Bowl, that made me almost as excited as the Giant's exciting WIN!