Do you have “the demon voice” as Amy Poehler calls it?

We have a questionnaire new clients complete before coming in. We ask all the basic, annoying questions name, address, height and age. Buried in the list is my favorite question, “on a scale of 1 to 10 how content are you with your physique?” The answer to this question has little to do with what you weigh (something we don’t ask) but it says a lot. It’s important to revisit that question as sessions progress because that number, despite progress, can be stubborn.

Last week, I had a client in my office. She’s incorporated all sorts of healthy foods into her day, her energy and mood swings are better but she told me about something that happened recently that concerned me. She saw some friends she hadn’t seen in a while. This is a somewhat competitive group of friends as she described them. Despite her improvements and weight loss she felt insecure in their company. In that moment on a scale of 1-10 she’d be lucky to give herself a 5.

For years with clients I’ve call these modes we have our angel and devil voices.

Our angel voice tells us “keep going you’re making progress", our angel voice says “you look great” and encourages us to stand tall and proud. There’s also the devil voice. This nasty voice says “who are you kidding you look like crap. I don’t care if you’re successful or evolved.” With food the devil voice can say, “you may as well have one you’re never going to stick to this plan, you never do.”

As I read Amy Poehler’s Yes Please this weekend I loved when she talked about the demon voice. “You are six or twelve or fifteen and you look in the mirror and you hear a voice so awful and mean that it takes your breath away.” It tells you that you are fat and ugly. The voice that talks badly to you is a demon voice. And the scary part is the demon is your voice.”

One of the surprising thing about getting a little older, out of your teens and twenties (and thirties in my and Amy’s case) is that the demon voice still makes appearances. As she says

“If you are lucky, you can live a life where the demon is generally forgotten, relegated to a back shelf in your closet next to your old field hockey equipment. You may have days or years when you think the demon is gone. But it is not. It is sitting very quietly waiting for you. This motherfucker is patient.”

So what do you do? What do you do if “you should know better” and are still listening to this demon? With my client who continued to listen to this devil/demon despite numerous positive changes, I knew we had to give the angel voice more clout. Every day I suggested she note (via email to me) when she had a demonic thought (sounds so evil) and how she could counter the thought. Also, daily she was to find something about her body she felt genuinely good about. Just as your make an effort to eat a healthy breakfast, you need to make an effort to silence this sabotaging sentiment.

When the demon starts to slither my way and say bad shit about me I turn around and say “Hey. Cool it. Amy is my friend. Don’t talk about her like that.” Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works.

Even demons gotta sleep.

Do you have a demon voice? Is it quieter as you get older? When does it pop up? What do you do? Have you read this book?
*The winner of Slim by Design is The Spicy RD, we will be in touch to arrange your delivery copy. 

Fox News calls Adele fat, her response more newsworthy

Surprisingly, the dress is not Chanel

About a year ago, Karl Lagerfeld was blasted for calling Adele fat. In a conversation about pop stars he said “the thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face.” The outcry after this comment should’ve served as a warning but Fox news didn’t seem to care (or they were hoping for a controversy of their own). The day after this year’s Grammy Awards they ran a five-minute “news” segment with a nutritionist about Adele and Kelly Clarkson’s weight.

I understand a discussion about celebrities or other public figures and weight. I recently wrote about Governor Chris Christy and whether weight should affect his potential presidential run. And I have posted about Kelly Clarkson as her songs and quotes have given the virtual middle finger to critics and their comments. What I don’t have any patience for are unfounded assumptions about people based on their weight.

The Fox segment’s nutritionist Keren Gilbert mentioned “if these women walked into my office and said they wanted to lose weight I wouldn’t kick them out.” First, the difference, as we discussed last week, is that these women as far as I know have not walked into Ms Gilbert’s Great Neck office. And if Adele did seek out a nutritionist, she may wish to discuss postnatal nutrition (helloooo). Ms. Gilbert then pointed her skinny finger saying “we’re a nation of excuses” their weight sends message “I don’t need to address these issues; I could be overweight like her.” I could dissect these comments all day long but Adele’s commentary is much more profound and definitely classier than anything I could say.

I recalled an interview Anderson Cooper did for 60 Minutes with Adele last year. I was so impressed with her as she offered the most sincere responses to tough, personal questions. She said she never looked at magazines and thought “I have to look like her to be a success”.  She also mentioned, as advice for young girls “if you want to change something about yourself, learn to appreciate yourself first.” She wasn’t standing on a soapbox for loving yourself no matter what. Rather, she said it’s ok if you want to make changes but the key, something Adele seems to have in spades, is caring for yourself.

How do we imbue young girls with that? Or adult women for that matter? How do you become immune to all the "body" stuff surrounding you?

And there’s more, Adele also takes on the issue of sexiness. She has said even if she had a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit figure, she would still wear "elegant clothing". In another magazine she was quoted saying, “'I don't want to be some skinny mini with my t*** out. I really don't want to do it and I don't want people confusing what it is that I'm about. “ In a time where JLo’s dress is slit up to her cha cha (sexy or slutty?) and Kate Upton is pretty much topless (in Antarctica!) on the cover of SI, isn’t modesty the most refreshing message of all?

And because I couldn’t resist, the expert in the Fox segment has this photo on her website? I wonder what she’s offering in that nutrition office she mentioned.

Does this photo say "let's talk about fiber?" Um no.

Do you think being in the public eye automatically makes you a role model? Do you think, as Fox suggested, overweight celebrities give others excuses to remain overweight? Would you feel differently if it were a rail thin pop star? Would to go to a health professional where "sexy" is part of their appeal? What is your favorite Adele song?

I love this song so much, Adele the pop world needs more "Someones Like You". 

Do you love who you are (in a bathing suit)?

So, if things had gone according to plan, I would be writing this post from the beach in Turks and Caicos where I was supposed to be as of yesterday. We had coverage from Granny and the nanny, a few days off from work and credit from a trip we postponed in July. This time, it wasn’t a tragic event but a mishap on skis by my 9 year old that led to our decision to stay put.

He has since graduated to a brace (better/less smelly) and has the Tom Brady injury, a fact he loves.

Although I didn’t have the beach experience, I did have the pre beach experience or anticipation. What works from a body and body hair standpoint in ski clothes doesn’t cut it on the beach. I followed some pre-beach protocol and for the most part cut out the 3 C’s.

There are times I draw inspiration from articles in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal or The New England Journal of Medicine. This time, with the beach on my mind, I was moved by something in the scholarly US Weekly issue 884. It wasn’t the thought provoking cover question “Do Cheaters Ever Change” (I say they do not) rather it was one of the “Hot Pics”.  The photos that caught my eye were of  Julianne Hough, the girlfriend of American Idol host Ryan Seacrest, jumping off a big boat  humongous yacht. In the photo above she’s doing an impressively  graceful dive. In the other images she was being goofy and jumping into the water like a child would off a diving board (like my son would if not sidelined L).  There is nothing self-conscious about her despite the tiny swimsuit and paparazzi lurking that I assume she new about.  The caption read, “I love who I am and I’m going to go for it and have that confidence”.

I know nothing about this woman but I know a statement like that, regardless of abdominal prowess, is unusual. It’s very different from the way I think or many clients think. If nothing else, don’t we worry that teeny swimsuits will not stay in “their positions” during water sports? I was with a few friends after a workout class today and we were talking about weight. One fit friend said, “when I mention gaining weight my husband says he doesn't even notice what I'm talking about.” We all remarked it would be nice if we didn’t notice when a few pesky pounds creep on and that her husband is very well trained. So what to do to "love who you are" more?

• Use Affirmations- when that negative talk starts counter it with something positive. When I’m running I often say “I’m lucky my body works” or “lucky to be able to run”. Sometimes saying I love my ________ (fill in body part of choice) can work nicely too. 
• Weight train- feeling strong is a great confidence booster. Whether it’s actual weight training or barre classes make sure you’re not just doing cardio.
• Give a compliment. It should be honest but you never know the boost saying some positive can give someone else. I think women are too stingy with giving other women props. 
• And when all else fails, grab a big cozy sweater as I do at the end of many ski weekends, anything could be lurking under there. That's one nice thing about being in New York versus Turks.

It's one thing to change your body but another to change how you feel about your body and that's totally within your control.

Do you think Julianne's confidence is unusual (for a female)? What do you do to love yourself more? And do you think cheaters change?
*Many of you have asked how to know when a new piece is posted, check out the new Subscribe button on the top right of this page. Thanks Carolyn!

Do We Know if Kelly Clarkson is Proud in Her Own Skin?

Curvy and Proud? Or just curvy?

We have The New York Times delivered on the weekends. Sure, we could use the Ipad or Kindle but the Sunday paper needs to be the real, paper, deal.  Growing up, my parents slept late on Sundays (in retrospect that sounds impossible) and I remember going to the front door and grabbing the thick newspaper.  Before you think I was an impressively intellectual child sitting down with the New York Times, I’ll have you know I read and still do read the Style section first. A couple of weekends ago an article in Sunday Styles on Kelly Clarkson and its title “A Pop Star Proud in Her Own Skin” caught my eye. The article profiles the singer, discussing her persona, new album and recent VH1 unplugged performance that premieres this Friday, November 18th.

In the piece Kelly is portrayed as relatable and not afraid to speak her mind. I have a few Kelly Clarkson songs on running playlists but no not know that much about her.  She has released a new album called Stronger.  I watched the video for one track "Mr. Know it All". Kelly sings in front of a wall covered in headlines about her weight, image and sexual orientation. At one point Kelly also appears to scan blog comments about her (uh oh).  At the end she makes a hole in this wall, destroying the criticism and leaving it behind. The Times quotes another song “if you’re thin/Poor little walking disease/If you’re not/They’re all screaming obese.” From this I gather Kelly isn’t ignoring the growing elephant in the room, she’s talking about issues in in an honest, somewhat rebellious manner.

However, is she comfortable or “fed” up? They said Jennifer Hudson “comfortable” then she lost weight. Do they expect those who gain weight to be publically sad or embarrassed and if they’re not we assume they are content?  The article says Taylor swift isn’t the girl next door because she’s blonde and tall but Kelly is the girl next-door “for any woman to own her body size at an average woman’s weight is amazing”.  Perhaps this requires further research but just because Kelly is average-sized what constitutes “owning” your weight? Or does Kelly's average weight simply help others own theirs? Later in the article Kelly is quoted joking about spanx and her “giant” backside. Self-deprecating comments don’t lead me to believe she is proud, annoyed and open maybe. Talking back doesn’t mean you embrace your back fat.

Do you think outspoken implies confidence or body confidence? And self-deprecating comments, when you talk about your weight, are you “owning” it? Are you a Kelly Clarkson fan?

Does Slimming Down Make You Shallow?

I love reading other blogs and the corresponding comments. One of my favorite blogs is Ivy League Insecurities. Aidan, who writes ILI, recently had a baby, her third. Although she had the baby just six weeks ago, she’s eager to get her body back and posted about this. In my line of work, this is totally normal. At the 6 week mark, most women are cleared for exercise by their doctors and starting to emerge from the new baby fog. Yet, Aidan was somewhat reluctant to share her desire to downsize. In her words “I feel a bit embarrassed and ashamed that I am writing about something that is admittedly so much more superficial than other things I could write about.”

I chimed in and told Aidan she’s shouldn’t apologize for her interest in “losing it.” How we feel about our bodies influences how we feel in general. Taking control of your body, after carrying a baby, or after gaining weight for other reasons often has a carryover effect. Taking the reigns, as I see it, is a good thing and about more than simply fitting in your “reference jeans”. If Aidan had been writing about confidence or carving out time for herself she might feel it was less superficial. Weight loss is as much about that as it is getting physically smaller.

Another commenter had a very different opinion of the post. Someone named Mary said “when I saw the title my heart dropped a bit and I was saddened… sad because with a newborn and 2 littles you were already dissatisfied with yourself.” Now I (vaguely) recall those early days after each of my boys were born. I remember staring at them amazed that they had been inside me for nine months. Yet, this infant adoration didn’t blind me to my post baby pooch. I don't know if I was "dissatisfied" with myself, it was more like I wasn't my, physical, self.

Aidan closed her post indicating she should honor her body more. She asked readers “when it comes to your body and your own appearance, are you forgiving or exacting?” I don’t think these qualities are mutually exclusive. There isn’t a day I go for a run that I’m not grateful that my body works. Having lived with a parent who was an amputee later in life, I do not take health for granted. I would say I absolutely honor my body AND like my jeans to fit.

Do you think it’s sad to want to lose weight? Should we be thinking and writing about more “important” topics? What would be your answer to Aidan’s question, are you “forgiving” or “exacting” when it comes to your body?

"Don't be so hard on yourself" doesn't always work

I keep a notebook on my desk during client sessions. Here and there I jot down tidbits that strike a chord with me and I feel others can relate to. Today I was in session with a client we’ll call C because C was confused. C had a history of beating herself up when it comes to food. Recently I wrote about the importance of self-compassion something C didn’t have a whole lot of in the past. Prior to coming to see me though, C decided not to be so hard on herself and she was succeeding. The problem is she wasn’t feeling very well. In her words (the words I wrote in my notebook) “I decided not to be hard on myself and now I’m not accomplishing anything.” C’s clothes weren’t fitting well and the problem wasn’t isolated to food. She was having a hard time organizing her day in general. It’s as though “don’t be so hard on yourself” in some ways wasn’t working or was working too well. For the record, C looks great, unlike the stock photo above, but she doesn’t feel great.

I think many of us can relate to this. Whether it’s the runner who goes from marathon training to rarely running or the person who goes and vacation and decides they will eat whatever then want while away and continues to do so once home. It’s very hard to find the correct balance when it comes to guilt and goals. This isn’t just about being on or off or black and white. This is about finding a way to be productive without punitive measures we all know end up backfiring.

So how does one do this? I have a couple of ideas:

The first I call negative splits a term runners will recognize. In a long training run or race the goal is to be conservative in the first half of the race so that the second half can be run faster than the first and a better overall time is achieved. I apply this to food behaviors. In my first session with clients I find many are surprised. If a client isn’t already exercising I may suggest 60 minutes of exercise over 2 days. Or, if a client never cooks I may recommend cooking (or “assembling”) one dinner a week. This is generally met with a “this is supposed to be harder, I want to lose weight” look. I assure clients we will ratchet things up but encourage them to trust me, lowering the bar initially will lead to confidence and feelings of success. It will also eventually lead to better long-term results.

The second tool is called a victory list. A victory list is the direct opposite of beating yourself up. At the end of the day, think of one thing you did well and record it. My professional world is food-centric and so examples would be “hydrated well” or “skipped bagels at the meeting” or “ate lots of vegetables.” If you think this sounds hokey, chances are you would really benefit from trying it.

I will let you know how it goes for C. I really hope C soon stands for “confident” instead of “confused”.

Do you think it’s possible to be too easy on yourself? How do you strike the balance between self-critical and self-control?

No Issues Naked or Exposure-phobe?

You know those naked people in the locker room at the gym? I am not one of those. Nor am I the girl running down the beach totally at ease in her bikini. I may have the bikini on but I’ll have my cover-up du jour on for more of the time. When we were in France last summer I was amazed at the women young and my mother’s age, thin and no so thin totally at ease with their physiques and teeny swim suits. I tried to act like I was like that, while we were there, but who am I kidding?

I notice this modesty at yoga. I’ve now been doing yoga for a year and declared 2011 the year of the inversion. This year my body will do upside down. Truth be told, I can do a headstand and even a handstand (at home). What’s holding me back from unveiling my poses in class? It’s the fear of my shirt going upside down with me. I am a thin person, this I know. I wear a small size and work out a bunch. I also know that I don’t love the idea of my “I’ve had 2 kids” abs being on display for all of Pure Yoga to see, upside-down no less.

I tweeted about this to my favorite workout-clothing maker Lululemon. I asked, “is there a way of inverting without exposing?” Lululemon, always responsive, suggested their Power Y, Get Focused or Pure Focus tops. While I’m liking the band at the bottom of the Pure Focus, it’s a little too loose looking, even for an exposure-phobe like me. The owner of Nuttzo (amazingly addictive nut butters) suggested I try Yummie Tummie. Yummie Tummie chimed in and thought I’d like their Skinny Tank. Although the photo looks a little sexy for yoga, they promise it’ll do the drink.  I am not usually a fan of “shape wear”. I feel it sucks you in and I end up with a tummy ache from the sucking (not so yummy). We’ll see, I’m willing to test drive these and most likely will.

In yoga this week something happened that may do more for me than any new shirt. We were in class and the teacher led us though a sequence of poses where some people go into headstand and others hang out with their hands and feet on the ground. In this pose I don’t know the name of you are peering through your legs behind you. As the show-offs  people worked their way into headstand, something happened. I looked those in headstand. One of these head standers was a girl I’ve been in class with many times. She’s fit and friendly and can pretty much twist her body into any shape imaginable (hate her, sorry that’s not yogi).  Anyway, I looked over and her top (neither “yummie” nor “focused”) went over along with her. And you know what? Hanging over her yoga pants was a little extra. Love handles or “hatha” handles call them what you will. It somehow made me feel better like cellulite on supermodels. My reaction wasn’t critical but more of a feeling that we all have something.  You’ll never find me at a nudist colony or applying make-up sans clothes but before the end of the year I’ll be going upside down in yoga.

Are you the naked girl in the locker room or an exposure-phobe? Any inversion tips or clothing suggestions? Is there hope I can be a 65-year-old woman prancing down the beach? Do I have to wait that long?