Would you tell someone they’re overweight?

Last week, I was bargaining with myself to get on the treadmill. I was sick of my playlists and glanced at my podcast roster. I saw a Dear Sugar podcast on body image. It was 40-something minutes on what sounded like a juicy topic. I chose this over Adele for the thousandth time. If you’re unfamiliar with Dear Sugar, it’s Cheryl Strayed (author of Wild and my favorite BraveEnough). Cheryl and her podcast partner Steve Almond (best last name ever) tackle all things interpersonal and touchy. If you’re not familiar with podcasts, I’d resolve to change that this year.

This podcast was called “The Weight of Love”. Cheryl opened by sharing about her own weight fluctuations. She admitted she felt better when her weight was toward the low end of her range but appreciated that her husband told her she was beautiful regardless of her weight.

I’m summarizing as the podcast really focused on two letters written by listeners. The first letter writer was a guy in his twenties. This guy was in a relationship with a “terrific woman”. He said she was a little overweight and this was an issue for him. He deliberated whether or not to say something. He ended up saying something in a casual, less than sensitive, way and “she didn’t take it well.” Cheryl reacted strongly, she didn’t feel he should’ve said anything and even suggested he break up with her if size mattered. Steve asked Cheryl if withholding his opinion was honest. My view is our words need to be chosen very carefully in these situations; however, they’re legit and shouldn’t be closeted.  

I’ve written before about a conversation I had with Marc. I was writing about couples and weight and said “if I gained 100 pounds would you still be attracted to me” or something like that. He, never one to be politically correct, said “no”. As we talked, he said that being active and in shape was a big part of our relationship.  I totally get that even if it’s not what I’d like him to think. And I think Cheryl’s advice for this young man is what she’d like men to think. While it’s nice to imagine our partners love us 100% as is, if you are in a relationship there are changes you’d like to see, whether they are physical or no.t As I discussed Monday, I’m pro change.

Why should we be open with conversations about sex, money, in-laws and children but bite our tongues about weight?. Our weight affects our confidence which affects how we interact with others and especially how you feel in an intimate relationship. There’s a shift in the ethos; it’s taboo to focus on weight. I was castigated in certain circles for the title The Little Book of Thin. The Little Book of Wellness would’ve been OK. I’m the last person to rank size above other, more meaningful topics like health and gratitude but it’s part of the picture and shouldn’t be ignored.

What advice would you give the letter writer? Would you talk to a partner about weight or be ok if they brought it up to you? And what are your favorite workout songs or podcasts?

Is food an issue in your relationship?

Sure you want to eat that?

What are you uncomfortable discussing? Sex? Money matters? I would normally add politics to this list but most of us have extinguished that fear this election season. Today I’m shooting a news segment on couples and food. The producer joked to me “it’s easier to get heroin users to talk to us.” I sent a few emails to clients and friends. We have two women and one man on board to open up about food differences in their relationships. However, the majority of the responses I received went something like “this is a huge issue for us but I’m not sure we want to air our dirty laundry.” Really? We weren’t asking people to strip naked. Rather “he’s a health nut and I’m not” that sort of thing.

When a client enters into a new relationship I always ask, “what kind of an eater are they?” While this may seem unimportant initially, while everyone is on good behavior, you eat three times a day, it will matter. If you love to stay home and cook and he wants to go out every night OR he is gluten free and you are “gluten full” you need a game plan.

No need to completely convert

“We need to work on his eating” a client told me last week referring to her boyfriend.

“No we don’t” I said. Let’s work on your eating. As long as your partner isn’t AGAINST your eating regime, you’re ok. We don’t expect our significant other so think the same way we do and so they don’t need to eat the same exact way either.

My husband loves golf, I promise you he spends more hours golfing than eating. I tried it and I don’t love golf (understatement alert). He doesn’t expect me to golf, we’re good.

Metabolism Matters

When it comes to eating, metabolism, gender and age affect how much you should or can eat.

A tiny woman shouldn’t match a big guy or you’ll have relationship weight gain.

Homemade Helps

Cooking at home allows you to share the experience of meal prep and menu selection. If one person likes fries or steak, you can make baked fries or sweet potato fries and grass-fed steak. Or, you can add a veg for the healthier eater. There’s usually that Venn diagram overlap or some common ground.

No Food Advice While Eating

This is the same advice I give to parents of teens.

“Are you sure you want to eat that?” is never going to be met with “oh you’re right, I don’t’ want to eat that.” If you’re going to say you’re worried about their health, I am sure but don’t worry about it at the table. There is nothing sexy about policing your mate.

Finally, as I said in my blog last week, let’s not be so shy about this. Whether you’re in a new relationship or a longstanding one you can discuss food and eating. Just don’t contact Foodtrainers for “couples Foodtraining” we don’t offer that service for a reason.

We're not on camera, tell me about your relationship food issues. Do you and your partner eat similarly? Was that always the case? If you do not, what do you do to compromise?
And finally, happy halloween...if you missed it here is a link to our "healthy sweets you can eat newsletter".

Your partner is putting on weight, should you go there?

Flipping through Fitness magazine an article entitled “Don’t Go There” drew me in.  In the piece, the author recounts seeing a nutritionist who made some rather rigid suggestions. The women shares the nutritionist’s recommendations and her concern over sticking to the plan with her husband. He roots her on, encourages her to give it a try and she flips out. Subtext to her was maybe you should try a little harder to lose weight. After the scuffle that ensues the husband declares weight an off limits topic in their relationship. He concludes that whatever he said was taken the wrong way. For them this was the right decision. She went on to build a healthy routine and lose some of wedding weight.

This got me thinking. I do not think there’s any place for harsh or critical weight commentary in a relationship but the notion of an off limits topic doesn’t sit well with me. I may fall too far in the “better to say it” camp but I think with weight it in can be just as damaging to say nothing. So how do you say something without wreaking havoc?

• First, don’t have this conversation when someone is getting dressed, about to leave the house etc. While there may be no perfect time, right before you leave for a night out or work isn’t best. It's also not best right before or right after sex unless of course you never want to have sex again (with that person).

• Second and I’ve said this before “how do I look?” isn’t really a question. “How do I look” is praise seeking. When faced with this request, whatever it is find something to compliment the other person on and move on.

• It’s crucial to make sure your wellness or weight commentary is about the other person even if it in turn affects you. Have you noticed your partner is more self-conscious? Dressing differently? Super stressed? So busy that workouts are marginalized? If so, these are great points of entry. You don’t have to say much, sometimes a question is enough to plant a seed or get a conversation started in a gentle manner.

Weight gain doesn’t exist in a vacuum and support, genuine concern and help when needed can make a big difference and I think a much better way to go than doing or saying nothing.

If faced with this situation, would you “go there” or steer clear? Do you think weight can be discussed in a nonthreatening manner? Has anyone/ a partner ever discussed your weight in a hurtful manner? Have you heard phrase mixed-weight relationship? I just did for first time.

In Fatness and In Health

My husband and I once had what seemed like a light-hearted conversation. I was getting dressed to go out and asked that totally loaded question “does this look good?” To which my husband intelligently answered “honey, everything looks good, I love it.” And out of my mouth came “so what if I gained 100 pounds would you still think I looked good?” Without pause my husband said “no.” I was shocked at his honesty but dug deeper and asked “so if I gained 100 pounds you wouldn’t be attracted to me?” My husband, not the least bit ashamed of his stance, said “being fit is part of who you are, it’s what I signed up for.” We talked a little further, he ended up acknowledging that if a medical condition led to weight gain it would be a little different but still.

I was reminded of this conversation this past Sunday. I was scanning the Weddings/Celebrations in the NYT. There was a time when it was fun to pick out the couples we knew or read about weddings of our colleagues or clients. Lately it seems as though most of the brides are a good 10 years younger than I am which is a little depressing but makes sense since, as of Sunday, I have been married 12 years. As I glanced at the child brides I saw an article entitled “For Better, for Worse, for B.M. I.”

The article focuses on the trend to gain weight after getting married. I started reading “call them happy pounds, love chub or the marriage 15. No matter what gaining weight during marriage is about as common as holding your breath under water.” With my research-minded head firmly on my shoulders, my first question was, says who? No sooner did I ask than a research study was quoted. My next assumption was that this must be some miniscule study done on 5 people. Maybe it’s just age that puts weight on us not necessarily our marital status. Turns out the study included 12,000 people (not so small). What’s more, the weight gain accounted for age. B.M.I (body mass index)  for married couples increased above and beyond what it would normally as couples aged.

It’s not just cohabitating that leads to weight gain. Cohabitating without marrying resulted in some weight gain but not as much as after saying “I do.” “If you’re married, the thinking goes, you’re somewhat settled. You don’t have to prove yourself; your spouse will ostensibly love you, muffin top not-withstanding.” I get the settled/not proving yourself part. My lingerie collection may as well have stayed on our honeymoon. As for my husband, he played tennis last night and crawled in bed when he got home. “Did you shower” I asked him. “No, I probably should, I guess.” As I mentioned above though, my husband admitted he’s not a "for muffin top, for cellulite” kind of groom. I now had 2 questions. First, what does it say about husband and I that we don’t have “happy pounds”? And second, is it superficial that, unlike Mr. Deans in the article, my husband may not love me “no matter what?”

As these questions sprinted around my brain, I kept reading, in search of some answers. I got an answer, from a professor (no PhD mentioned!) at UNC. With regard to the Slaytons status quo weight, “the less stable the relationship the less likely you’ll gain weight because the chance that you’ll be out there, back on the market is greater and thus, the need to be attractive once again is heightened.” Whoa now Penny Gordon-Larsen. Why does the need to be attractive not apply to your spouse or yourself? And what does the weight gain do to feelings of self esteem? Is weight gain really being used as an indicator of relationship stability?

More questions. I cannot argue with the results of the study. I will share them as a cautionary tale for my Bridal Foodtraining clients. All married people can become complacent and that’s never a good thing no matter how it manifests itself. As for me and my husband, “in fatness and in health” doesn’t work. Though it stung a little when he first said it, I wouldn’t be as attracted to him if he gained a huge amount of weight. We see eye to eye on this which is really what’s important for any couple.
Are you married? What has happened to your weight or your spouses’ weight? Would you have avoided marriage if it meant adding 15 pounds to your frame (remember cohabitating may only mean 5 pounds)? Do you think it’s superficial to be anti-muffin top when it comes to a mate?

Dude Food

My boys’ birthday party was winding down this past Friday when my friend’s husband pulled me aside. “You have to talk to S*” he said. “Is everything OK” I asked. “Not really, you need to talk to her about  all this healthy cooking I just need some dude food.” I promised friend’s husband that his wife and I would brainstorm some ideas. Bear in mind my friend S will not even consider moving to the UWS, despite her children attending school here, because her beloved yoga studio is on the East side. She is definitely nutrition-obsessed, which I mean only in the best way, and I’m sure she loves the meals she’s cooking and thinks they’re good for her husband.

Then yesterday, as I was going to bed, I noticed a collection of sorts near my husbands’ night stand. In this collection was his foam roller, those perfect push-up thingamajigs, a pair of dumbbells and an exercise band. I mentioned to husband that these things didn’t belong in our Zen-like bedroom (and also added that they were smelly and ugly and that the housekeeper had just come) to which, as he always does, he said “is it really such a big deal?” Though in retrospect it is not a big deal, the fact that he is regularly using those things as I frantically race to get the kids out of the house or try to sleep is cause for a little tension.

On one hand, eating well and exercising are things we all want our spouses to do. After all, if you love someone, don't you want them to be healthy? Few would argue with that and yet most couples have issues over each others’ pursuit of fitness. I hear it from clients all the time. “I would lose more weight if only my wife would cook a little.” Or, “my husband gives me a hard time if I don’t share a bottle of wine with him.” There are a few different variables at work here. One theme I see is that both men and women resent a sudden change. If your wife was always willing to share dessert and suddenly stops this can be cause for conflict. Problems can also arise when one person’s healthy habits result in increased responsibility for the other. If, for example, your husband is the one to get the kids up in the morning and then starts going to the gym at 7am- find me a wife that’s going to be totally ok with this. I think we want our partners to feel good as long as their regime or routine doesn’t affect us!
Have you ever argued with your significant other over eating or exercise? Do they have healthy habits that irritate you or vice versa?

*Not 100% sure my friend wants to be outed even though we’re only outing her as a healthy cook and yogi.
And for S’s husband, Rocco Dispririto has a great cookbook out called Now Eat This! where he tweaks comfort food favorites from jalapeno poppers to sloppy joes giving them a healthy twist.