When it comes to kids and weight, is it always best to shut your mouth?

In the time I’ve been practicing nutrition I’ve become a mother twice (three times if we count Bronco). I’ve seen clients have children and younger children grow up. I’ve had clients refer their parents to me and of course parents “urge” children, of all different ages, to start Foodtraining. The weight dynamic within families is something Carolyn and I spend a lot of time sorting out.

Last week, I read a letter a father submitted to Social Q’s in the Times. His letter opened with “my 9-year-old daughter is fat” ouch, no mincing words with that sentence. The father felt his daughter was old enough for a dialog about making good choices and indicated that his wife disagreed. “She worries about the effect on our daughter’s self-esteem.” Philip Galanes blasted the father in his response. He pointed out the father’s bluntness, lack of apparent love and interest in how his daughter’s weight reflected on him. He warned this father that he would increase the chances of developing an eating disorder. While I cannot think of many things worse than telling a child they’re “fat” I feel many parents are so scared of “creating an eating disorder” that they often say nothing.  While cruel, critical parents can fuck children up – ignoring food and weight has its own consequences. 
Some advice:

You are likely “that kind of parent”

Every parent who calls my office opens with “I’m not one of those crazy parents”. Of course they are, we all are. Most parents worry and don’t always say things in the best way, our thoughts aren’t always pure.  Do some work (perhaps with your own expert) to sort out how your “stuff” around food affects your parenting. Did you have a parent that was weight obsessed? Or critical? Have you struggled with body image and want to shield your children from the same? Are you embarrassed to have a chubby child? You must be clear on this in order to really help your children.

Cook and teach your children to cook (or assemble)

There are few things better for kids and teens than home cooking. Not only is home-cooked food overall healthier, it’s less salty and sweet and doesn’t invite overeating as takeout or restaurant food does. And whether it’s putting peanut butter on a banana or making an omelet, simple cooking skills will encourage children reaching for healthier items versus packaged snacks. And do what you can, if this can only happen on the weekends, that’s a start. If the person cooking with your child is a babysitter or grandparent- that’s totally fine.

Outsource

The exact same advice will be interpreted differently depending on who it comes from. Whether it’s a nutritionist, psychologist or doctor (though I have to say many pediatricians are a bit too cut and dry when discussing weight for my taste), it’s best that someone else suggests steps to take. Parents can support the advice provided by an expert.

And finally, choose honesty over political correctness

With everything our children are exposed to do you really think you can avoid the weight/size topic?  If you’ve struggled with your weight, discuss this with your children. Ask your children how they feel about their size (height, weight etc.) and depending on their response ask if they want help making changes.

And, for the record, I have a weight issue in my midst. Bronco is overweight. And my babysitter gets upset with me with I call the Boston Terrier “fat”.

It’s OK to talk to your daughter (and son) about weight

Over the summer a blog post “How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body” made its rounds on Facebook. Many friends posted it, others reposted or commented, “this is great” or  “loved this”. I understand it was a very sweet message encouraging parents to have their daughters climb mountains, embrace teamwork and cook with 6 sticks of butter. But the advice for talking to your daughter about her body came down to this “don’t talk to your daughter about her body except to teach her how it works.”

Hmn, this is actually good advice for very young girls. When I speak in preschools and Kindergartens children embrace how their bodies’ function- what helps to heal boo boos and what’s good for the sniffles. Sadly, children (girls and boys) leave the cocoon of boo boos and rainbows and receive messaging about their bodies. At a certain point, saying nothing or as the author advises telling your daughter she looks “healthy” or “strong” isn’t going to cut it. And there’s more, I often hear from mothers who say, “she gained some weight but I don’t want to say anything”.  And you know what? The adolescent or teen tells me “my mother thinks I’m fat.” So much for silence.

Talk less, listen more

It’s difficult to give blanket advice regarding children and weight. I recall a meeting at my older son’s school. It was the summer before many children went off to sleep away camp. I was advised to “have the sex talk with your son before he hears it from his peers”. I bought the suggested books, psyched myself up and started reading with him. Two pages in he said “mom, is it ok if I play basketball now?” He wasn’t ready. Trust your instincts. I find a great way to glean information is to ask, “what are your friends saying about” (fill in the blank). This is a way to take a pulse. “Are any of the girls talking about clothes?” “Do boys comment about who is good at sports.” “Do you agree?” You don’t have to say much.

Car rides a great place for these conversations. There are no distractions, it doesn’t feel forced like the dinner table (a terrible place for weight-talk) and if your children are young and in the backseat, they aren’t looking at you. “Do kids say anything about who’s taller or shorter or heavier or thinner?” “Do your friends focus on healthy eating”? Starting with easy to answer questions paves the way for more touchy subjects. Sometimes, you don’t even need to “go there” your children will if they want to talk about something.

Use the D word

I am a fan of realistic advice when it comes to both nutrition and parenting. I know there are parents who don’t curse in front of their children or don’t let them watch the news. Perhaps these same parents nodded along when they read the bloggers (credentials?) advice to avoid the “D” word (that would be diet) and to tell your children that their thick thighs are good for running marathons.

In my NYC office, parents are so scared about “creating eating disorders” that they fail to have important conversations. Tell your children what a diet is, whether it’s a “nut free” diet they may be familiar with from allergic friends or the silly diet someone on a tabloid may have been rumored to try. Show them images before and after airbrushing so they know that most of us, even models and celebrities, have parts that aren’t perfect. And if you’re concerned with eating disorders, shift your concern to connecting with your child. How are they doing socially, academically? In my younger son’s fourth grade class they interviewed each other “what are you scared of?” was one of the questions. Knowing the answer to this is way more valuable than any nutrition facts panel or calorie concerns.

Make Family Style Adjustments

In many families children lie on opposite ends of the weight spectrum. One mom told me she had a “bipolar pantry” with items for her super skinny son on one shelf and others for her newly pudgy pubescent daughter. While we shared a laugh and I understood the mom’s intentions, we need unified family rules. Less sugar, more greens, slower eating and better hydration, to name a few, should be goals for everyone.

None of this is easy. We can dumb it down all we want but kids are smart. They live in the same world we do. As parents or teachers or mentors, let’s guide them with honesty and information rather than glossing it all over.

Have you talked to your children about weight? How have you approached topics of body image, weight and the media? Do you think it's a taboo subject?

Are Rail Thin Models a Problem?

Friday, on Facebook, a friend posted this ad from the JC Penny circular. This particular image comes from the company Joe Fresh. Her comment “jumping off the page is a young girl whose legs look like someone from a concentration camp. I AM APPALLED THAT COMPANIES ARE ADVERTISING WITH MODELS OF THIS SIZE. It sends an unhealthy message to our girls.”

My initial reaction was that she let the company know. As popular as shock value is, I cannot imagine that was Joe Fresh’s intention in their efforts to sell jeans. Throughout the day, as I thought more about this, my opinion changed and I reposted.  “While these women are super skinny, I wonder why we harp only on the weight of models sending the wrong message. What about the fact that they are gorgeous-er than us? These are not meant to be average women any more than an NHL star in an SI add is an average athlete, hmn.” Sure, being a professional athlete isn’t a dangerous aspiration but it’s still unrealistic. Yes, I like it when ads are relatable but a teenage, rail-thin, wrinkle less model isn’t relatable for more reasons than weight.

Someone else added:

Imagine if they were obese. Would we be irate? Probably not. We might be confused or surprised but not irate. And we should be because [and yes, I just watched Weight of the Nation] that is an equally unhealthy message to send to our kids.

We are undoubtedly influenced by the media; this has been confirmed by research. Images can stoke insecurity. I just don’t believe media messages “give” us eating disorders anymore than they give us obesity. Do I like a Coke commercial? No, I would much rather a “water” commercial. Fortunately, though many discussions, my kids now know all about soda, the awful ingredients and intentions via advertising to make us want to buy it. 

Eating disorders are yucky, scary and complicated. “Thinspiration” exits but it’s only one of dangerous arenas luring children. When I have sessions with eating disordered clients we spend way more time talking about their families and their friends, comments others make and emotional triggers than we do ads. I recently read the children are more receptive to conversations about weight and health when teenagers dole out the advice. I see that as a way to make inroads in this conversation with young people about body image and the media, about what's realistic and about what isn't. 

And there’s the other “modeling”, are we modeling healthy eating habits, positive self talk and balance to our daughters and sons? Are we asking them about print ads, billboards and commercials? The newspaper circular can be a teaching tool. Which photos do you like? What do young people see when they look at the image above (and others)? If they were making it or "the boss" would they change anything? And these questions are equally important for male and female children. Boys need to know that these girls above are not "average". We need to control what we can control because whether it’s a fast food commercial or a stick thin model, the images are here to stay.

What do you think about the ad above and others like it? What do you think is the answer to all of this?

What I Wish LeAnn Rimes Would Say

I first remember seeing LeAnn Rimes accepting an award for her rendition of Blue. She was 13 or 14 and wearing a white strapless dress. She looked so young, had yet to be made over and still had that “baby” fat I see in my photos from that age. Only I wasn’t getting up on any stage and only my family saw the pictures. Well that was a long time ago. Leann has grown up. She was married, had a well-publicized affair, divorced her first husband and remarried. She’s also lost a ton of weight.

Unlike many shrinking celebrities. LeAnn has been quick to defend herself.  She’s also fueled the fire a bit posting photos of herself in teeny bikinis via Twitter. I read a brief Q and A with her. I do not know which magazine it was but it was one of the “manicurial” titles even I will not pay money for. It may have been Life and Style. In this article LeAnn first said something to the effect of “I eat but I eat very cleanly”. She went on to say she at mostly protein and vegetables. Try a couple of days on fish, egg whites and greens and let me know if you feel this is “eating.”

There was also the requisite quote from LeAnn’s trainer.  He came to her defense (after all we know where his paycheck comes from) and said she was healthy and worked hard in the gym. I was about to dismiss this as the typical celebrity cover up for diets gone too far ala’ Nicole Richie or Calista Flockhart.  I then read something else. LeAnn said that people criticized her for being chubby all her life. She said now they’re criticizing her for being too thin.  It sounded honest.

LeAnn has responded to people’s tweets about her body.  Granted her replies have been defensive “they’re called abs not bones” was one I read. LeAnn also tweets a fair amount about food. I wish, perhaps naively, that Leann could say something to the effect of “I’ve always felt pressure to slim down and have finally done so” and “I may have gone a little far.” I’m not sure Leann realizes the last part yet.  Previously, LeAnn Rimes has not really been a role model in many peoples’ eyes but I think she has an opportunity here.

Do you think LeAnn should respond to people's comments about her weight? What do you think she could say that is honest? Do you think it's good that she now feels good about her body (as she's said) or is that just sad?

Ballet Brouhaha

Since Black Swan came out, there seems to be a bit of chatter about dancer's bodies and anorexia. Do you think the movie may encourage behavior associated with eating disorders? And of course, there is the NYT critic who made the comment that Jennifer Ringer, a dancer in the Nutcracker "ate one two many sugarplums".  So curious about your thoughts on all of this.

I should say that I haven’t seen the movie Black Swan. A lot has been made about the 2 main characters, Natalie Portman being one of them, losing a tremendous amount of weight for their roles as ballet dancers. Natalie Portman’s character has an eating disorder in the film and from what I’m heard looks gaunt, almost sickly in certain scenes. While the story line doesn’t glorify her eating disorder I will tell you, with certainty, that many will sadly emulate both her weight loss and physique.

Even if it’s mentioned that a certain character or celebrity “almost died” due to their restricting, there will be those taking notes on what they feel is a seminar which may as well be entitled “how to restrict (or binge) and purge.” This was the case with Portia de Rossi’s recent press and book. I cringed as I heard her describe eating 85 (not sure the exact number) calories per day as I new that disclosure would be someone else’s goal.

Black Swan has been picked up by “pro-ana” or pro anorexia sites referred to as “thinspiration” and “eating disorder porn.”  On one hand there are those with eating disorders or a proclivity to develop an eating disorder but I think many other people are unknowingly affected. I don’t think we can deny that images of super skinny women play with our perception of normal. Even hearing that an, already slim, actress loses 20 pounds suggests that she had 20 pounds to lose.

As for the NY Times critic, roles have been reversed and he’s been slammed by many. I’ve heard arguments about the need for diverse body types in ballet, Jennifer Ringer’s “past” eating disorder has been mentioned and the ballerina herself called herself “not fat but womanly.”

I’m really uninformed today because I haven’t seen the Nutcracker this year either. I did watch Jennifer Singer’s today show appearance and clips (like the photo above) of her dancing. I see to evidence of over “sugar pluming” or overweight. I don’t. However, I am going to have to side with Alastair Macaulay, the critic, on this one. Whether we’re paid for it or not, we all judge. We look over the bodies of fitness instructors, professional athletes and our peers. The other issue is that certain professions demand that you’re trim. I joke that if I gained 20 pounds I would be out of a job. If someone is judging their fully clothed nutritionist they are certainly picking apart a dancer in a tutu.

Jennifer Ringer is a grown woman, a mother who most likely has been critiqued her whole life. A part of me worries the message this brouhaha sends to young girls but sadly if girls are in ballet or gymnastics they are hearing a lot of this. If nothing else, the movie and Macaulay have provided the subject matter for us all to discuss these issues.

Have you seen Black Swan or NYC Ballet’s Nutcracker? Do you think that the movie or the critic crossed any lines? Are there sugarplums in real life?