I'm not a hugger (and how this can help you)

Call her my girl crush, idol or obsession; whichever word you use- I love Nora Ephron. I love her writing and movies, how much she loved NYC and, most importantly, her feelings about egg white omelets. I admire her so much I felt “bad about my neck” years before I needed to (and silently thank her when I apply night cream below my chin). So, when I read a review of Richard Cohen's new Nora Ephron biography She Made Me Laugh, I immediately headed to Barnes and Noble. Amazon prime would not do.

I've always felt some sort of connection to Nora; I'm sure many feel this way but as I read this fantastic book a few things stood out:

Nora abhorred religion

She didn’t like dancing

And she wasn’t much of a hugger

Why does this matter? It matters because you're supposed to like each of these things. And each of these things I've kind of fudged liking for a long time. And so now I feel I can be out.

I will never dance like nobody is watching and can't relate to that sentiment. I found another non-dancer (and married him) and we saunter over to the bar when the band begins. Or we watch other people dance and prove my dance theory and that is that being a good dancer isn’t a prerequisite for liking to dance. 

As for religion, I grew up Jewish-ish. There was no Hebrew school or bat mitzvah. We didn’t have seders...we had dinners.  We only had a rabbi at our wedding because I felt we had to.

And hugging, hugging confuses me. I don't mind a kiss hello but a hug is reserved for my kids…on visiting day when they’ve been away for three weeks.  I especially hate those awkward moments where you don’t know if you’re expected to hug or not.

As of today, I am going to own my feelings on these topics. My guess is that you have something you've been pretending to like too. If it's something as silly as dancing or hugging there's no reason to fake it. However, there are some areas where I’ll make effort to change such as bringing by reusable shopping bags, tracking my finances (I’d rather dance) and ending my delightful, summer fling with rosé.

Where is self-acceptance in this whole weight loss discussion?

Recently I saw a client* I hadn’t met with in some time. We first connected years ago; she was single and traveling a lot for work. In fact, our very first session was the day before she was leaving for a 3-week trip.  I devised a plan but would be lying if I said I had confidence she would make many of the changes while away. At our next meeting she proved me wrong. She had left my office that first day and picked up the non-perishable items we discussed. While away she found a pool to swim in for exercise and had the hotel prepare food for her long workdays and erratic schedule. She proved to me that when you’re ready you can do “healthy” anywhere.

Our check-ins continued for years. She faced challenges and loss, had professional twists and turns and more recently got married and had a baby. Though every stage even if she was diverted she returned to her wellness, to the habits and systems she created. And yes, though there were fluctuations the weight she lost when she first started stayed off.

So at our last meeting, I tried to get a sense of where she was at. It didn’t take long for me to realize she was overwhelmed with motherhood and trying to “get it together”. I knew any changes I would suggest needed to be subtle. As she half-listened to me she looked up and said, “I’m just wondering maybe this is just how it is” and gestured to her body. This wasn’t about body size or weight; her gusto was gone.She left the office and I checked in yesterday. I read her response as I walked down the street and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

There's a part of me that saying- just be ok with how I am right now. There's a lot going on. It may be time to work on a little self-acceptance at this moment.

It wasn’t that this go getter client was daunted that shook me.  No, it was when I thought for a moment that making changes or working on our health or weight implied we didn’t accept ourselves. I resumed my walk and thought about this and what to say to this client. My mind went back to another client I worked with when I was first counseling. He had an ill family member and was balancing work with hospital visits. He wanted to check in and I said something to the effect of “you have a lot going on, focus on your family and we’ll resume nutrition visits in the future.” Sounds a lot like my client’s email, right?

My client with the ill parent lost that parent and he did come back for visits. He taught me a lesson I’ll never forget when he said “I know you didn’t mean to but you let me off the hook. I needed to focus on myself despite the stress and instead I’ve gained weight and feel worse.”

There are times when we’re gung ho to make changes and set goals and other times our expectations need to be lower.  But if feeling confident and healthy is the goal we can’t “think about this later”.  Self-acceptance is a good thing but that has to include self-care.

Do you think self-acceptance and weight loss can coexist? Do you focus on self-care when you’re going through stressful times or does that suffer? What do you do when you don’t really want to take care of yourself (but know you should)?

*Any client mentions are anonymous and never provide specific details

The Balance Project

Is this balance? If so I'm super balanced, you?

I don't remember my reply when Susie asked to interview me for The Balance Project but it was something to the effect of "get ready for your first mom who knows nothing about the subject". The series of emails showed me who this Susie is and she's awesome. Fortunately for me, the fact that I'm unapologetically out of balance wasn't a problem.  I really enjoyed answering this series of questions.

A little about the project in Susie's words:
 I’ve always been curious—and maybe a little obsessed—about how women I admire do “it all” (or at least try to). So I asked them. And as I suspected, no one really does. Or even really wants to. Every Friday I’ll feature a new interview. Here’s what Lauren Slayton had to say…

Here is the rest of the interview:
Lauren Slayton, Nutritionist
Age: 40
Where I live: NYC
Job: Nutritionist (founder of Foodtrainers) and author of The Little Book of Thin
Ages/genders of kids: 2 boys ages 9 and 11

Is the job you have now the same one you had before kids? If not, how and why did you change directions?
I opened Foodtrainers in 2001 when I was pregnant with my older son (what was I thinking?). Fortunately, it worked out. As the boys got older, I started the blog. And the book sort of fell into place.

Do you think having “it all” is realistic or overrated and why?
I believe in juggling. Having it all sounds off-putting. I want to throw darts at having it all. At the same time I’m grateful for my family, for my business, and now for my book.

What part of “balance” can you just not seem to figure out?
I think part of having your own business sort of means you’re always at work. I envy those people who don’t email on the weekend or who can put their phones away when they get home to their children. I have a hard time turning that mental to-do list off. I also wish I read more, other than the newspaper or Facebook links.

What part of “balance” are you getting better at?
I am getting better at enjoying things. I am getting better at patience. Let’s be real though, I am basically an impatient perfectionist. My mother once said the second you feel you have a good marriage or sing your husband’s praises you will go home and get in a fight, so I’m hesitant to remark on what’s better because all of a sudden it’s not.

What was the best advice you ever heard on balance…
From a mentor/co-worker? I worked with another nutritionist when I was just out of grad school. I was ready to show the world how much I knew, and she pointed out how much people want to be listened to and supported. Despite all the money paid for nutritional biochemistry, you can’t replace support.

From your mother? From my mother and my grandmother I learned what it feels like to be fiercely loved. My mom and I are very different. I love lists and plans but my mom has taught me to “just go.” When I was younger she’d rent out our apartment and rent a house in Spain. When I was contemplating having kids she said “don’t wait until you’re ready or you’ll be waiting a long time.”

From your kids? My kids have shown me what it’s like to love someone so much it hurts and how valuable it is to spend real time. Being at their piano lessons, helping with the homework, those snowy days when we freeze on the way to school—I am cherishing them all.

I should add I cannot stand “it goes by so fast” because that seems so hopeless to me. One client said “every stage is great” and that’s how I approach parenting. Sure, my kids are less adorable at 9 and 11 than they were at 4 and 6 but we can go places and eat anywhere, and I refuse to mourn for the time when they were little—the truth is that was exhausting and horrible at times.

If you had one extra hour in each day and you couldn’t work or be with your family, how would you spend that hour?
An hour? I’d take 15 minutes. I love a bath, I love a book, but I want a whole afternoon with a book. I also love the time to be able to leisurely get somewhere; it feels luxurious.

What would you have told yourself…
20 years ago? To appreciate and protect my skin.

20 years from now? I can’t say but I do hope I don’t let aging and the fear of aging take up too much mind time.

What one part of your home life do you wish you could outsource?
I outsource it all, ha. Really though, I can cook and all of that, I am just not a good cleaner, I swear I’m not.

Whose job do you wish you had?
Travel writing seems sexy.

Whose job are you glad you don’t have?
I almost went to med school, and I’m glad I did not.

Favorite book?
I have so much trouble answering this question; I can never recall my favorites. My favorite writing is usually a little snarky. I love Nora Ephron everything.

What are you reading right now?
Just finished Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell, and I adored it.

Biggest vices…
Activity? Are we talking reality TV? Taxi taking? Yelling?

Food? I am pretty much a nutrition nerd but also love great food. If life had no rules, there would be more cheese, more cocktails, and chocolate that wasn’t always 70% dark.

Website? Oh god, I can get sucked in. I am reformed, but I have spent hours on Reality Steve, there I said it.

How many hours do you generally sleep at night during the week?
I get up at 5-something but I’m usually asleep by 11 if not before. So that’s 6-7, 7 being what I suggest others shoot for.

What do you read every morning?
Instagram. I read the New York Times and The Post daily, but not necessarily in the morning.

Complete the following sentences:
I think I: make myself crazy.

I wish I: could feel proud more often.

My kids: are amazing and I’m not just saying that because they’re mine (or maybe I am).

Do you have a personal motto or favorite saying?
My friend Jen Linn’s passion was fearlessness. I am not there but in moments where anxiety is taking over I try to remove it. I try to enjoy. I try, and I’m not there yet.

Anything else you’d like to add?
Very random anecdote but let me say this… In our 20s we lived across the hall from this couple. She was gorgeous and had a great job and he was gorgeous, had the job, etc. The “perfect” couple, right? My husband and I are both feisty, and astrologers say we’re a nightmare combo, but we’ve been together since ‘93. So we go to dinner with the “perfect” couple and minutes in, she looks at us and says, “Okay guys, admit it, do you hear us fight all the time?” She wasn’t saying they were miserable, but they thought we heard their “imperfection” and we, of course, were convinced they heard ours. Couples fight, kids have issues. I have arrived at the office with one of my puppies’ poop bags in my purse (yup). Someone I met said “I have life envy after looking at your Instagram.” Maybe I should post poop pics.

Be sure to check out the balance project and because I understand the importance of supporting authors and preorders, Susie's book On Grace (I did).

PS I really took this to heart. I had a trip for the book to Chicago this week and rather than picking apart how I did or how successful it was I enjoyed the opportunities and tried to be proud...tried.
Where do you feel you could be more balanced? What's the best advice you received from your mother or family member? Favorite book? Isn't this fun?

Thanksgiving Teams, You a Ripa or an IJOD?

Happy Thanksgiving. I am thankful for clients who come to our offices throughout the year. I am also thankful for this blog and especially the dialog that we often have in the comments section. As you know, I welcome a good debate and so for those of you who disagree or offer a divergent view, thankful for you all too.

Yesterday, I did a quick segment on Thanksgiving. It was specifically about gluten free Thanksgiving options but the producer opened with “What do you tell clients when it comes to Thanksgiving, is it a day to enjoy everything and put your diet on hold or should they (and we) make an effort to keep it healthy?”

As I see it, there are two camps on Thanksgiving. On her show Kelly Ripa lightheartedly said, “I’m going to sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and eat like it’s any other day because when you don’t you get into trouble.” On the other hand, after the CBS segment ran with me and other chefs and experts explain how to tame Thanksgiving the anchor concluded with the flipside “I don’t know, it’s one day, I plan on enjoying myself.” And Clinton Kelly, of The Chew, on a funny segment on table etiquette said whatever you do “don’t say the D-word at the table.” D here refers to diet.

I don’t think these camps or viewpoints are as polarizing as it may seem. The “it’s one day” folks really don’t want to end an evening seeking antacids and elastic clothing. And the “Ripa’s” probably will not be in a corner eating white meat turkey, crudité, peeling marshmallows from their sweet potatoes. And I concur with Clinton whether you are gluten-free, paleo or just run of the mill neurotic, nobody (except the host well beforehand in the case of an allergy) needs to know your eating rules.

“It’s one day” sounds innocuous if it were really one day. One of the things that work against Thanksgiving is its occurrence on a Thursday. Many could recover from having two days (3500-5000 whopping calories)  of food at one pop if it was sandwiched by regular consumption on other days. What typically happens is that Thanksgiving acts as the starting gun for “it’s one day” folks that ends up being 35 days and Thanksgiving is early this year, make that 40 until the new year.

Some advice?

Thursday, stick to the One Plate Rule- you wouldn’t ask for seconds at a restaurant and this food beats restaurant food in butter and sugar content.

And Focus on Friday. If you have stuffing or pie or candied (apt description) yams today, leave them today. Tomorrow turkey in a salad, turkey soup…you get the idea.

Most importantly, relax and enjoy all you have to be thankful for.

Which camp are you in? Ripas or IJODS (it’s just one day-ers)?  Are you a leftover person? Do you think it’s possible to keep treats to just one day?