I'm not a hugger (and how this can help you)

Call her my girl crush, idol or obsession; whichever word you use- I love Nora Ephron. I love her writing and movies, how much she loved NYC and, most importantly, her feelings about egg white omelets. I admire her so much I felt “bad about my neck” years before I needed to (and silently thank her when I apply night cream below my chin). So, when I read a review of Richard Cohen's new Nora Ephron biography She Made Me Laugh, I immediately headed to Barnes and Noble. Amazon prime would not do.

I've always felt some sort of connection to Nora; I'm sure many feel this way but as I read this fantastic book a few things stood out:

Nora abhorred religion

She didn’t like dancing

And she wasn’t much of a hugger

Why does this matter? It matters because you're supposed to like each of these things. And each of these things I've kind of fudged liking for a long time. And so now I feel I can be out.

I will never dance like nobody is watching and can't relate to that sentiment. I found another non-dancer (and married him) and we saunter over to the bar when the band begins. Or we watch other people dance and prove my dance theory and that is that being a good dancer isn’t a prerequisite for liking to dance. 

As for religion, I grew up Jewish-ish. There was no Hebrew school or bat mitzvah. We didn’t have seders...we had dinners.  We only had a rabbi at our wedding because I felt we had to.

And hugging, hugging confuses me. I don't mind a kiss hello but a hug is reserved for my kids…on visiting day when they’ve been away for three weeks.  I especially hate those awkward moments where you don’t know if you’re expected to hug or not.

As of today, I am going to own my feelings on these topics. My guess is that you have something you've been pretending to like too. If it's something as silly as dancing or hugging there's no reason to fake it. However, there are some areas where I’ll make effort to change such as bringing by reusable shopping bags, tracking my finances (I’d rather dance) and ending my delightful, summer fling with rosé.

Are you vegan, vegetarian, paleo? Shush….

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief. ~ Gerry Spence

Last week I sat in a new doctor’s waiting room filling out paperwork. It was standard stuff past medical history, family history, medication information (none for me) etc. Then there was a section about exercise and eating. I described my exercise routine, vitamin regime and then stopped at a question you would think was up my alley. The question asked “are you a ” and then listed various dietary regimes such as vegetarian, vegan, kosher and a few others. I settled on something to the effect of balanced eater.

The truth is I don’t subscribe to any particular dietary camp. I’m allergic to wheat, seek out organic produce and wild fish, love certain things paleo (but also like legumes and dairy) and I enjoy perusing raw food blogs and juice daily.  I was reminded of the blogger previously known as The Blonde Vegan whose story received a lot of attention this summer.  For serious personal reasons, this blogger transitioned away from a strictly vegan diet and switched the name of her platform to the Balanced Blonde. She received criticism and threats in the process for not being strictly vegan. 

 Last month a study and corresponding article in the New York Times about low carb versus lowfat made the rounds and I cringed again. The term low carb seems as outdated as low fat. Shouldn’t the conversation be about which carbs are best to eat and the right fats? 

My friend and colleague Ashley Koff has a term “qualitarian” which resonates with me but all of this segregation reminds me a little of why I am a more spiritual person than a religious one. Both religion and nutrition should be about improvement and for me it’s individual with aspects from various faiths and dietary regimes resonating with me.  And let's be clear you can have someone who's a junky gluten free eater subsisting on potato starch-laden products or a vegan mainlining white, bready items.

Why do we need the labels? I can only think the descriptions make sense when someone else is preparing your food. I go to a restaurant and mention my allergy or "gluten free", I can imagine “vegan” makes things cut and dry as well. Although I am fine with eating fish, meat and dairy I understand the desire to exclude all animal products. The second we’re judging someone as not vegan enough or devout enough we’re focusing on exclusion and that to me isn’t healthy.
How do you describe your eating? Are you a ________? Why do you think these camps or terms have become so popular? 

When it comes to food, does guilt help?

from knockknockstuff.com, I can think of a few people this is perfect for

I didn’t grow up with guilt. I should say I didn’t grow up with parents who used guilt as a means to motivate. For whatever reason, we did our homework and wanted to do well in school….because we did. As an adult, I have friends, clients and family members who “lay guilt”. I see it as a roundabout attempt to get you to do something or think something that the other person sees as important. Since all roads lead to food for me I started thinking about food and guilt. Religion aside, no arena has more references to guilt than diets and eating. My question, with food and in life, is does guilt help?

One study in the journal of Health Education and Behavior divided women into groups based on their attitude regarding food. Those who were “guilt-ridden dieters” scored the highest in measures of body fat, BMI and body weight. In this case those with the highest guilt were the most likely to be all or nothing with weight loss efforts.  Once these women ate poorly, their self-talk led them to continue this behavior. This is similar to the study on self-compassion I’ve written about before in Treat Training.

 I was drawn to why one person feels guilt over food and another may not. For all I think about food, there isn’t a sense of negativity if I veer (oh not to worry there are plenty of other unproductive emotions I have to work on). My goal, in general, is to put the best foods in my body. This comes from a good place and creates the impetus to eat wholesome foods the majority of the time. So some of this is about framing. And some guilt is good. People “who do not exhibit a sense of remorse in the face of guilt are labeled psychopaths,” says one psychology site. So guilt and a sense of right and wrong can nudge us all to do the right thing in many different situations.  Some guilt is ok. It seems overwhelming or disproportionate guilt is where people are stifled.

A 20/20 episode suggested an interesting comparison. “High-guilt people often do shoulds”. There was an example of the college student who never missed class, wanted to achieve and give back. The also mentioned “low-guilt people often do wants”.  I want this or I want that, they are more concerned with what they would like to do than with what is expected of them.

Experts pointed out bad parenting produces too much guilt. It’s important to separate an incident from more global assessments. Getting a bad grade or eating a cookie doesn’t make you a bad, weak or unintelligent person. Rather it makes you someone who could have studied differently or perhaps was hungry. Analyzing or troubleshooting will produce a better result, in both children and adults, than attacking.

With clients, I see where people fall on the guilt spectrum. We have an exercise called “food stalking” where Foodtrainees email their food journal daily. Some clients love this, they like the commentary and feel the accountability encourages them to eat better.  The perceived feedback leads to better eating. This is not for everyone. One client, in particular, came in for her session and said “I hated that, it make me anxious, I feel I do better when I decide when to be strict.” She joked she grew up Catholic. There are so many articles about “losing the guilt” with eating. I don’t know if it’s guilt they are referring to or the mental flogging that is associated with it.

Consider where you are on the guilt spectrum. If you’re someone who can take imperfection in stride or use it to drive you that’s good to know. If you tend to beat yourself up, have plans in place. You will mess up whether it’s at work, in your relationships or with food. We all do. It’s how you react and regroup that matters more.

What do you think about guilt and food? Do you think there's a difference between internal guilt and feelings of guilt or "guilt trips" from others? Did you grow up in a "guilt heavy" environment? Was your family religious? Curious

Non-Religious Lent for All

I love Lent. This sounds odd with good reason. First, as I’ve mentioned before, with the exception of culinary traditions, I am areligious. Second, my birth religion was not Catholicism but even I know that Lent is a time of sacrifice. So why the love? I love Lent because I am a nutritionist and for a chunk of time each year my clients do not waiver in their commitments. They choose something to give up for some it’s sugar, for others alcohol or even taxis.  Clients forego their area of sacrifice without need for a pep talk or modification or anything. Religion aside, I love this idea of giving up one thing. It’s not giving up all your favorite things, living on juices or canceling social plans. Its just one thing but one thing can make a difference.

Today is Ash Wednesday and I propose Lent For All. Your  “church” is this blog (or your church if you’d prefer), the comment section is your written commitment and the criteria from my friend C (16 years of Catholic school backing her up) is that what you give up should be a challenge. For example, if you don’t eat cookies giving up cookies isn’t meaningful. Whatever you give up, you will skip for the duration of lent or 40 days until Easter, which is April 24^th.

If you’re unsure what to give up, here are a few ideas:

Booze –if your alcohol intake is in double digits per week a vino vacation may be in order.  Some clients go cold turkey (or sans wild turkey) and others skip alcohol during the week.

Eating After Dinner-we suggested a Dessert Detox in a recent post and have received terrific feedback.

 Restaurant and Take Out Meals- no matter how you slice it restaurant meals are higher in salt and fat and cost more than home cooked meals. If you use your oven for storing clothes or have fewer than 5 ingredients in your refrigerator this would be a good one for you.

Meat- during lent Catholics skip meat of Fridays. I’ve received a few explanations for this tradition none of which made that much sense (as I said I’m not one for religion). While I’m so not a vegan, I do love cheese and eggs and fish, a month without beef and poultry would be doable.

Packaged food- even healthy eaters can consume their fair share of packaged food. From cold cereal to salad dressing there are many foods that aren’t horrible for you but aren’t healthy either. Skip all foods with more than a few ingredients. For example eggs in a package (or carton) are ok but pretzels are not.

          Wheat- while may of us don’t suffer from celiac disease or even gluten intolerance, I hear from clients all the time that they feel better: fewer GI issues, improved skin and mood when wheat-less. In forty days you’ll have a sense whether wheat is an issue for you or not.  Wheat includes bread, pasta, crackers, dumplings, breaded items, waffles, pancakes and flour tortillas.

      

      Days off from Exercise-if your indulgence is the snooze button use the next 50 days as an excuse-free zone. Exercise daily for the duration of Lent. It doesn’t have to be an hour a day or super-intense but do something each day for 15 minutes or more.

Second Helpings- giving up sweets or bread is not for everyone. If you can’t bear the thought of parting with something for 40 days try changing how you eat. Whether it’s cookies or your dinner meal adopt the 1 plate rule. Denying yourself the second helping allows you to appreciate the first one.

Elevators- even if you workout regularly, there are many hours in the day most of us spend sedentary, tush to chair. Trade out elevators or escalators for stairs and you have the opportunity to seriously jack up your activity level. Automation isn’t an asset to the overweight.

Nuts or Cheese – these are two healthy foods that many people overeat. Whether you’re a nutaholic or a cheese lover call yourself on your habit, after all admitting you have a problem is the first step.

     

      So, what's it going to be? Pick your challenge of choice and we'll do this together. One more thing C suggested during my Lent lesion. She said, “during Lent, I make more of an effort (this is where I sound like a born-again) to act more "Christian", kinder, tolerant, giving, more forgiving.” Regardless of religion, that’s not a bad idea either.

What do you think of Lent for all? Catholic or not, do you see yourself giving anything up? Is it guilt, why do you think some people can do things in the name of religion we wouldn’t otherwise?

Culinary Jew

Let's play a little game. If you're atoning chances are you will not be reading this post anyway. When I say religion, what's the first thing you think of? If church, temple or services came to mind, you and I are different (and that's ok). If matzoh balls, Christmas cookies or kugel popped into your head, give me a virtual high five. For us, religion is pretty much all about the food. We're secular but connected to our roots enough to carry on, in my opinion, the most important traditions of all and that's the food. I grew up in a house devoid of organized religion. Though I didn't think it possible, I married someone even less religious and on this day of atonement, my boys are playing ice hockey.  I read a fantastic post on my friend Rebecca's blog that summed up all of this in a far more eloquent manner that I ever could have. Read  "finding my religion in a bowl of matzoh ball soup" and enjoy or don't enjoy because today is solemn. She's deserves the credit for "Culinary Jew" though I don't think this is limited to any one religion.
On another related note, I spoke to many clients this week who will fast and then break fast at the end of the day. These are not Culinary Jews what I"ll call Level 2 (or above) Jews. Anyway,  it's easy to go overboard after not eating all day. I asked one client about this meal and he said "I think it defeats the purpose to gorge at break fast." I asked him to explain and he said, and I paraphrase, after spending the day reflecting on my sins, some of which have to do with my health, it makes no sense to splurge in an unhealthy manner the second it is over. Just a little food for thought today, this type of food is allowed, I think.